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Old 10-04-2016, 12:01 PM
 
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I guess the question here is pretty straightforward: How do you feel about those who disappointed you during your time of loss?

Today, we give people a lot of leeway, I think, in terms of lack of social graces or formerly established ways of being. And it seems that grief has become part and parcel of this new-day calamity, though I'm sure what I'm describing has always been.

However, as I approach one year since losing my brother, I can't stop but at times reflect on who I heard from during that time and who said nothing. Neighbors who knew about it but never mentioned it. Those who have my contact information but who never reached out. Others who implicitly seem to think my grief is lessened because I am a sibling rather than the mother or father of the departed.

Part of me feels like I now know where I stand with certain people based on how they reacted or didn't in light of what occurred. Part of me also feels that these people have no idea what I think of where they stand with me based on their inaction or laissez faire attitude in the aftermath.

I think of myself - how, if I knew only someone very casually but heard of the passing of one of their relatives - how I'd say something about it, offer some kind of acknowledgement upon seeing them the next time, at the very least.

Am I being irrational, or is this common among those of us who experience loss? Is the disappointment we feel with certain people recoverable, or is it a lost cause?
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Old 10-05-2016, 12:08 AM
 
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I don't really feel the way you do. That's OK - you have the right to feel how you feel. There are lots of folks who did not reach out to me after my husband's death (and during his illness.) I really don't mind, because there were a lot who did reach out and who supported me mightily. I remember that before experiencing a loss, I really didn't understand it, and I was probably one of those who said nothing because I didn't know what to say. So I forgive people who don't know what to do or say. (I hope people forgave me when, in my youth, I was rather thoughtless.)

I have an old friend who didn't contact me until a year after my loss. She apologized. I don't know why she waited so long, and I don't really care. I can't hold it against her because I really do care for her, and since we were out of contact during that time, I don't know what was going on in her life. But I can't judge her and decide she was a bad friend. I'm just glad that we are communicating again. So no, getting past your resentful feelings is not a lost cause. Friendships can be rekindled if that is what you want.

My advice is to forgive anyone you think has slighted you and just move forward. The more you harbor resentment and anger over this, the harder it will be on YOU. If you bring forgiveness and kindness to those who didn't bring it to you, it will make it easier for you to heal from your loss. Friends are not always perfect, but friendship is precious.

One of the few good things that can come from grief is increase compassion for others. I see this as a tribute to those we have lost.

I'm sorry about the loss of your brother. I'm sure it has been very hard for you.

Last edited by G Grasshopper; 10-05-2016 at 12:25 AM..
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Old 10-05-2016, 09:37 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
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I'm along similar lines as Grasshopper. It has been a chance to see who the true deep friends that I have are, and those who were only those of my wife, or were sunny day friends. If anything, it is a winnowing, where the chaff can fall away giving more meaning to real relationships. I see no reason to resent people, they are who they are. But then, I'm asocial, so I don't place the value on casual acquaintances that others might.
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Old 10-05-2016, 11:49 AM
 
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When my father died in a car accident, I was only about 19. Many friends told me later that they "didn't know what to say" so didn't call or contact me in any way, and couldn't "handle" a funeral either. I do appreciate those who did call and we just said we loved each other and cried together.

It really doesn't matter what words you say, just acknowledging the grief of a friend in any way is what's important and I'm glad I learned that at an early age.
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Old 10-05-2016, 02:33 PM
 
994 posts, read 1,108,609 times
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Thanks for the replies. I don't see myself holding any long-term grudges or disappointment so deep and so lasting that it becomes an impediment to my own well being. It's just the unfortunate sense of seeing some people for who or how they may really be in one of the most high-stakes situations ever.
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Old 10-05-2016, 07:29 PM
 
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I'm flipping FLOORED things even run for this country still with how STUPID the average person functions!

Watched a friend keep bothering a casual relationship who found out her cheat's husband was terminal and did not have long. Had to harass the poor lady on Facebook until she canceled her account. Friend cried over loving the lady BAD, BAD, BAD but wouldn't leave her alone. Never seen ANYTHING like that. Kept just telling her to please leave the lady alone as poor lady's mother had terminal cancer within a couple of weeks too plus two adult children (one male) who won't even take their Dad to the bathroom much less work. I guess I didn't know my friend very well....Still associate with the lady but I know I don't hear very much from behind my back and must be a TON the way she runs.

I am so sorry for your loss. It would be easier for you to accept a lot of people have gone stupid or raised to be wolves. Better NOT to get much attention from them.
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Old 10-05-2016, 09:33 PM
 
4,840 posts, read 2,145,909 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hautemomma View Post
Thanks for the replies. I don't see myself holding any long-term grudges or disappointment so deep and so lasting that it becomes an impediment to my own well being. It's just the unfortunate sense of seeing some people for who or how they may really be in one of the most high-stakes situations ever.
Firstly I am sorry for your loss. Then to awaken to the realization of which persons shared in comfort.
The drapery of disillusionment is cast back, and we see the results. Yet another loss to come to terms with. If there can be goodness from this..it's to not go that way. I often learned from them how not to be. I hope you can turn this into a stepping stone .. and grieve with others and garner some leniency til such. Peace and strength be with you....
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Old 10-09-2016, 01:00 PM
 
Location: In the house we finally own!
369 posts, read 176,897 times
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I am a person who is probably considered by my best friend as not being there enough in her time of need. We were friends for many years. When we started out, we were young, unmarried, childless and full of energy. We both got married, had kids, etc. As our kids grew up, mine became disabled and hers was your typical teenager. I was divorced raising two kids. She was married, had several business ventures (had money to spare), and we started drifting apart in many ways. When I eventually became disabled and was not no longer able to ;do a lot of the things we did together, she developed new interests and friends. She did not include me in these, and that was okay. I didn't have money for trips and craft seminars. I had my kids and my granddaughter. We still saw each other now and then, but were not as close as we had been for so many years.

I met my new husband a couple of months before my daughter's wedding. She and her husband and daughter were there to help us celebrate. I remember sitting and talking with her husband at the reception. A couple of weeks later, he was killed in an accident. As much as I loved my friend, I did not know how to help her, or what I could possibly do to help her through this tragedy. I spent time with her, cried with her, listened to her. Her grief was deep, and seemed to overtake her life for awhile. It was hard to be around her, even a couple of years later. Two years after he died, my life fell apart for awhile, and I was basically useless to anyone for quite some time.

There were many others that stepped up to help her, and I do believe that she got the best of what she needed, even though my part in it was minimal. It's been several years, and I believe she has forgiven me for my lack of support. We will always love each other, even though our lives are so very different.
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Old 10-09-2016, 05:45 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,577 posts, read 4,782,672 times
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Whenever a loved one dies there will be a person that disappoints you and a person that surprises you.

I am sure most people saw people at the funeral that you never expected to show up and others that you expected to be there never came. It's not just funeral attendance. I just used that as an example.
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Old 10-09-2016, 05:51 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,802,296 times
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Many humans are not comfortable with death and they do not react to death well.
The fact that you are disappointed or hurt or feel they are fairweather friends is merely because you have placed high expectations on them that they are/were more than likely unaware of. That in itself is your issue not theirs.
You have suffered a loss that means more to you than anyone else yet it appears you believe the loss should mean as much to everyone else as it did/does to you. That is not the reality of life and death.


Our sympathies for your loss.
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