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Old 10-31-2016, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Neptune
124 posts, read 74,556 times
Reputation: 193

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A short background: I had to make the heartbreaking decision to take my poor husband off life support recently and he passed away five days after that. I'm still struggling with the guilt of making that decision even though I know in my heart that he wouldn't have wanted to continue living on life support with tubes running out of him.

He didn't have life insurance when he died, so his second cousin (I'll call him Red) who works for a funeral home made the offer to handle everything. What a big mistake.

I had to apply for long term Medicaid while my husband was in the nursing home and the application was still pending when he died, however, the caseworker assured me that the application would go through and everything would get paid retroactive to the date I put in the application. Red wanted to bill Medicaid for an "indigent funeral". I told him the status of the regular Medicaid application and he said, "Oh, that's a different department, don't worry about it."

The day of the funeral comes and I arrive at the church a little early to make sure the flowers had come in and I wanted to see my husband alone for a few minutes. Red comes up to me and says, "I got an email last night. The funeral Medicaid application didn't go through." He had a real attitude when he said it. I didn't even know how to react. Here I was standing there over my poor husband's dead body. It was a Saturday, and I just mumbled something to him about I would take care of it first thing on Monday. He stood by the door of the church and took all the sympathy cards. One of the church ladies was able to get one for me that had money in it.

The funeral ended and everyone followed the hearse to the cemetery. After everyone gathered around the casket, Red announced "First of all, he's not getting buried today and he's not getting buried where we're standing. Where he's getting buried the ground is too soft." Once again, with a real nasty attitude in his voice. Everyone was in a state of shock. It was all I could do to walk back to the car. I was on the verge of hysteria.

Fast forward two days, and Red puts this picture on Facebook with the caption, "This is where my cousin is buried." Mind you, he never called to let me know they had buried him. I called him and told him I wanted to put a plaque or some sort of gravestone because a pile of flowers weren't going to last long and he said I would have to wait several months for the ground to settle, but I could put up something temporary. I made a makeshift cross and bought some garden fence to put around it and when I went back, the whole area was bulldozed and flattened over. The flowers were gone and everything.

Now I don't know where my poor husband is buried, if at all. I am beyond sick with grief.
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Old 10-31-2016, 04:00 PM
 
3,428 posts, read 2,130,598 times
Reputation: 7129
I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. Call the cemetery. They will know where your husband is buried even if there is no marker.
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Old 10-31-2016, 05:12 PM
 
Location: Neptune
124 posts, read 74,556 times
Reputation: 193
Thank you. I've tried calling a couple of times and it went to voicemail. I'm going there again tomorrow.
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Old 11-01-2016, 11:22 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,449 posts, read 18,163,061 times
Reputation: 18829
I am so sorry to hear about your husband and the callous treatment he and you got from "Red".

My husband died without insurance also. I hope those who don't have insurance, if they come to this forum, will use these types of instances as "cautionary tales" and get life insurance!

I hope your problem is resolved quickly. I hope Karma bites "Red".
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Old 11-01-2016, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,496 posts, read 15,947,527 times
Reputation: 38867
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan123 View Post
I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. Call the cemetery. They will know where your husband is buried even if there is no marker.
I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for the treatment by your husband's cousin. I am sure that the cemetery will have records.

After everything is settled down I would suggest contacting Red's boss as well as whatever agency deals with funeral directors in your state and telling them about Red's actions and attitude. While, it won't make up for what happened to you, it may save another grieving widow from having to suffer through the same situation and attitude with Red.
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Old 11-01-2016, 01:21 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,858 posts, read 51,363,981 times
Reputation: 27740
Sorry for your loss. Rather than beat yourself up about removing life support, try to re-frame it as freeing him from a diabolical prison, one he was unable to extricate himself from without your loving help.

That grave area sounds like a potter's field without markers. I'm not sure what state you are in or anything about medicaid covering a funeral, so some generic comments:

Check with the county department of health to find how cemeteries and funeral homes are regulated in your state, and then contact those regulatory bodies about the situation. You may find you suddenly get more cooperation and better treatment from the funeral home owner (don't even bother with "Red") and whatever group controls the cemetery. WHen licenses are on the line, behavior can improve.

Since you have photos of the grave site and there are surrounding trees and landmarks in the photos, as long as those landmarks weren't also bulldozed, finding it may not be difficult even without help. Take your photos to a copy center like Staples and ask to have the photo with the guitar and any other showing the landscape horizon printed on transparency film. Then go to the grave site and hold the transparency a few inches in front of you with one eye closed, so that it covers the landscape. There will be only one spot where there is perfect registration between what is in the photo and the actual site. That spot is where the photo was taken. You can orient yourself from there.

There are very precise ways someone skilled in photo interpretation (photogammetry) can determine the layout down to inches. I once had to do that in court in a property line dispute. However, such work involves knowing the characteristics of the camera lens, and other technical data. A surveyor could likely do it, but it would cost.
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Old 11-01-2016, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,854 posts, read 1,168,366 times
Reputation: 6078
My condolences on your loss. You did the right thing. {{hug}}
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Old 11-01-2016, 05:35 PM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,842,546 times
Reputation: 4655
{{{{ hugs }}}}
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Old 11-01-2016, 07:55 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,475,083 times
Reputation: 17235
Unhappy  

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Anony Mous
A short background: I had to make the heartbreaking decision to take my poor husband off life support recently and he passed away five days after that. I'm still struggling with the guilt of making that decision even though I know in my heart that he wouldn't have wanted to continue living on life support with tubes running out of him.
Ah honey I am sorry.......

Please try not to feel like you did the wrong thing,your husband probably didnt like being in that state anyway..... He knew how much ya loved him!!


He might have gotton better but he also could have stayed that way also for months and that would make it hard on you also.......

I know why you feel guilty though,I feel that way about my Kitty cat,she was having some episode one night and we took her to the vet and they put her to sleep (She was 18) .. I feel guilty we did that for no reason.... Maybe she just had a sickness,I dunno........... I miss her though!



I am so sorry for your loss (Makes me sick knowing his cousin did that)
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Old 11-02-2016, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Neptune
124 posts, read 74,556 times
Reputation: 193
Thank you all for your condolences. I am contacting the cemetery commission and hopefully get someone there to contact the owners of the cemetery.

This has been like a never ending nightmare.
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