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Old 11-03-2016, 07:26 PM
 
6,015 posts, read 2,704,042 times
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My BIL died two years ago.

Last year, all his friends converged on my sister at the anniversary of his death to take care of all the things he would have helped her with on their small farm. So, they repaired fences, trimmed trees, cleaned stalls, weeded gardens, etc. She made food and they had a sort of party/celebration.

I don't expect that to happen this year and no one has contacted her to say it will.

That being said, I am not sure what to do as we approach the 2nd anniversary of my BIL's death.

Not sure what I should do.

If you have lost a spouse, how do you feel about this?

Should I just give her a call to let her know I remember? Should I take her out to lunch/dinner or have her over to my house to give her some respite from memories.

What would help you if you are in this situation? For what its worth, she wont be alone, as she has since moved my parents into an in-law suite on her property. Still, not sure what is best to help her.
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Old 11-03-2016, 07:54 PM
 
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I think you should ask her. For myself, no one marks the anniversary of my husband's passing but my son and I. It will be 2 years in a month. Perhaps it is different since your sister owns a farm. I am just an urban dweller. I know of several other widows, and none of them have big "celebrations" on this anniversary. But if it would help your sister, why not? I think it would just be best to ask her. She may want lots of people around, but she may just want a quiet day.
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Old 11-04-2016, 06:03 PM
 
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Well, maybe my first post was a bit misleading. Celebration is probably the wrong word. The fact that she had all these people last year around her was mainly my BIL doing. He was a very social creature and some of that was with the specific intent of building a support network that would outlast him and be there for my sister because he was 10 years older than her and assumed she would be the last one standing. Of course, no one including him expected he would die as young as he did.

I think I will just give her a call a couple days before and see if she wants company or wants to go out for lunch/dinner. Just something to distract her or help her get through the day.

Maybe send her some flowers or a food treat that she can use for upcoming events she has planned like thanksgiving, a birthday party for a friend, etc.

Some people sent her flowers last year and she seemed to appreciate that.

I mainly just want her to know that I remember and she's not alone if she doesn't want to be.
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Old 11-04-2016, 06:55 PM
 
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What a very thoughtful person to even want to do something to comfort her on the anniversary of your BIL's death. I am sure she would appreciate just knowing you are thinking of her and that you remember well what day it is.


How has she been coping? If you know she has down times still or that she can be triggered when thinking of her husband, maybe she would like some distraction so she won't feel so alone. And yes, she could be 'alone' even if she has family living in her own house - I guess it depends on whether they are as sensitive to her needs as you seem to be.


And what a great bunch of friends they had - to come and do all those things in your BIL's name on the anniversary of his passing last year.


No one remembers when my husband passed away (even after just 4 years) so I am always alone to remember. I don't 'need' to be distracted but if I had a friend like you I would love to let them try!
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Old 11-05-2016, 08:40 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,465 posts, read 18,172,971 times
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How fortunate your sister is! A loving sister like you, good friends and having your parents living with her in the apartment! I agree, call her and see what SHE wants to do, if anything. For some reason year #2 was a very bad year. I thought it would be much better but it wasn't. Maybe though it will be better for her with all the help she got last year and the presence of your parents. Man, I would have loved that! She is blessed with loving people around her. Call her.
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