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Old 11-05-2016, 09:20 PM
 
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I'm wondering what most people think is proper protocol - say you lost a close family member over the summer and now its the holidays.

You usually host at least one of the holidays - should you still do it and would anybody expect you too?

I'm thinking - sit it out - enjoy the holidays but at someone else's home. Show respect and skip the big party.

Yeah or Nah?
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Old 11-06-2016, 04:56 AM
 
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I think someone else should host, but continue on. My dad died the Saturday after Thanksgiving one year. We still had Christmas--missed him terribly, but there were four grandchildren under the age of 5 enjoying the hell out of Christmas and Dad would have loved that. Circle of life and all.
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Old 11-06-2016, 08:15 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
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It really depends on how you are feeling. My hubby died in August of 2010 and we usually did Thanksgiving. I was not up to it that year and broke down crying at dinner as there were two empty places at the table that year: my husband and my stepfather.


I've never hosted a holiday dinner again as I had to move to a small condo and just don't have the room anymore.
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Old 11-06-2016, 12:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
I think someone else should host, but continue on. My dad died the Saturday after Thanksgiving one year. We still had Christmas--missed him terribly, but there were four grandchildren under the age of 5 enjoying the hell out of Christmas and Dad would have loved that. Circle of life and all.
Well kids make a difference but that's what I'm saying- continue on but not be hosting the party but wondering if that's just old fashioned. Like wearing black.
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Old 11-06-2016, 12:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
It really depends on how you are feeling. My hubby died in August of 2010 and we usually did Thanksgiving. I was not up to it that year and broke down crying at dinner as there were two empty places at the table that year: my husband and my stepfather.


I've never hosted a holiday dinner again as I had to move to a small condo and just don't have the room anymore.
Sorry for your loss - that's a really hard thing especially when there were actual places that were usual seats. I'm not sure that's this case - it seems almost no mourning was done or grieving really needed for whatever almost scarily short period - but its more I guess an etiquette thing? I don't see anyone breaking down but it just seems respectful to bypass the party and let someone else have it.
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Old 11-06-2016, 12:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by chattyneighbor View Post
Well kids make a difference but that's what I'm saying- continue on but not be hosting the party but wondering if that's just old fashioned. Like wearing black.
I don't think it's old fashioned to be in mourning, to want to be with family but not have the energy for/interest in all the tasks that lead up to the event. I would never expect someone who's had a close member pass recently to host any event. It's important for you to take care of yourself.
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Old 11-06-2016, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Central New Jersey
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Carry on as usual. Live for the living, not the dead.
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Old 11-06-2016, 01:08 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
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Easier said than done.
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Old 11-06-2016, 01:46 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
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IMHO, there is a huge difference between throwing a huge over-the-top New Year's Eve Party for friends & co-workers or a gigantic neighborhood 4th of July Bar-B-Q shortly after a death in the family and hosting your traditional Thanksgiving or Christmas family get-together.

In fact, it can be comforting for family to get together at those often very difficult first holidays without a key family member.

Now, if you aren't ready to host, it is OK to ask someone else to do it or to skip the holiday all together, but it is not wrong to get together with your family.
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Old 11-06-2016, 01:59 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
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I'll share a personal story. My FIL died just before Thanksgiving and it effected my husband very much. A month later, he was too sad to get up on Christmas morning do our regular immediate family activities of opening one present, making and eating blueberry muffins, then slowly opening more presents, etc., etc. He did not get out of bed until late afternoon.

Our children, who had also loved their grandfather very, very much were heartbroken that we "did not celebrate Christmas" like usual.

I was very surprised when even years later they mentioned their disappointment in not doing our usual activities. The interesting thing was that they were not little children but in 8th grade and a senior in HS at the time. They said that they would have been "comforted" by spending Christmas as usual, especially since it was our last Christmas before our oldest went away to college. They said that by not doing our usual activities as a family, (going to church, eating muffins, etc.) it caused them to be much more sad and depressed.
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