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Old 11-24-2016, 12:08 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,663,017 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FloridaHappy View Post
Do what you want. The deceased person is dead and will never know if you have a giant funeral or not. Just nod your head when they tell you what they want and then do what helps you grieve their loss.
Wow, beyond selfish.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovely40 View Post
Personally, I'd honor the deceased person's wishes, regardless of whether I agreed or not.
Exactly, if someone takes the time and explains what they want or don't want, you honor it.
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Old 11-24-2016, 02:28 PM
 
10,415 posts, read 7,500,235 times
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My mom was not of sound mind. She wanted to be buried under a tree in her back yard. The thief, I mean executor, was ready to do just whatever to move things along so she could reap her 1/2 of the estate. Anywho I requested her to be buried in the plot beside my stepfather where her headstone was placed years ago. In addition, I requested the ashes of her beloved dogs that she accumulated for just this purpose were all buried with her. As far as I know that's what they did. I wasn't invited to the burial. I also put together a memorial, more for my sister's benefit. Thief says, "I think the estate can cover that".
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Old 11-24-2016, 04:21 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,634 posts, read 42,792,739 times
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It is a great weight off the survivors to do without the fuss of a funeral. I have just had two old friends die last year, only in their 60s. Their wives had them creamated and no services or calling hours. We old friends were very glad not to be expected to trek a few states away to attend. One of the two had a private interment with immediate family after a period of time, and one had a few friends and family, one year later, to scatter ashes in the ocean.

This would be especially good in the case of an elderly person who had few friends left.
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Old 11-24-2016, 04:28 PM
 
Location: NOT in the Land of lollipops & unicorns...I live in reality.
980 posts, read 861,856 times
Reputation: 1667
Quote:
Originally Posted by FloridaHappy View Post
Do what you want. The deceased person is dead and will never know if you have a giant funeral or not. Just nod your head when they tell you what they want and then do what helps you grieve their loss.
How selfish....but this is the reason I have all my affairs in order, cremation paid for, son knows places he can take my ashes or he can just toss them in the toilet and flush, IF HE CHOOSES TO DO THAT...I'll be dead so it won't matter.
I can't understand why people wpuldn't RESPECT ones wishes, regardless of what they are, when they die. It doesn't change the grieving process one bit if someone goes behind the back and changes it all, but it's low down and dirty.
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Old 11-24-2016, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
18,916 posts, read 12,521,112 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chattyneighbor View Post
People have a "Celebration of Life" these days. Very private burial - just close family/friends or no wake if that's the deceased choice - but then something akin to an "Irish wake" later - a month or so after the death - usually the family will have a public gathering for the deceased friends and family to honor the memory and give them the closure they need - they call it a Celebration of life ceremony. Becoming quite popular these days.
We did something like this when my mom died. We did not wait a month to do the memorial service though. I would call a Memorial Service a Celebration of Life. I've noticed that this is being done here in the PNW pretty often.

I prefer it to the old fashioned funeral and pubic burial.

Sometimes a dying person wants to plan his or her last memorial as a way to have some control of the process. I think if that person wants to do this, his or her wishes should be respected. But it might be that the person who is going to handle the arrangements should be in on the planning stage.

A loving and joyous memorial service seems to me more appropriate for the bereaved. Often the family gets to share stories and memories with friends and family.
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Old 11-24-2016, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,499 posts, read 15,961,355 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bazzwell View Post
Mom's wishes were very specific when she realized her time was coming. There was to be no funeral, no viewing, no newspaper announcements, straight cremation and we were not to handle the remains. Fair enough. Last wish granted. Two stories though come to mind.....

Older, out-of-town brother, was feeling guilty about it and thought it might be nice to go ahead and pick up the remains, maybe scatter some around the country at her favorite spots. I said go right ahead but I'll have no part of it, just in case there might be an afterlife. I wasn't about to have her come at me at the pearly gates.

Many years later I had a chance to talk to the undertaker that handled the cremation, he was having some landfill work done around his lot. Jokingly I said "hey, room for the extras huh?". He laughed and said no but he did have twenty years of unclaimed ashes in storage. I then realized that Mom had never left the building, so to speak.

One of our local churches has a non-denominational service (basically a few generic prayers) and places unclaimed or unwanted cremated remains in a large drawer in a special place designed to hold cremated remains. They showed a picture of the open drawer and the remains were in everything from fancy urns, to gift bags, to old coffee cans, to burlap sacks to numerous ones in brown cardboard boxes. It is then labeled by year and sealed shut.

I believe that this was a free service.
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Old 11-25-2016, 06:52 PM
 
3,071 posts, read 1,629,913 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
I was selfish. My dad did not want a wake but I had one...for me and my daughter. I just couldn't let him go without people saying good bye to him or meeting him for the first time. Everyone at work knew OF him, I always talked about my dad. My hubby was not too pleased with me about it and when HE was dying, he swore me to not go against his wishes of no wake, no funeral. Considering it took the rotten head of the VA down Cape Cod 7 months to approve hubby's cremation, hubby got his wish. No wake and just lil ole me listening to Taps.
No offense, but what kind of A-holes DEMAND you not be allowed to publicly grieve for them and receive condolences from friends and family at a public event? What the hell difference does it matter to them, they are DEAD!?!? It's not FOR them, it's for YOU.
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Old 11-25-2016, 07:24 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,860 posts, read 3,723,034 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rugrats2001 View Post
No offense, but what kind of A-holes DEMAND you not be allowed to publicly grieve for them and receive condolences from friends and family at a public event? What the hell difference does it matter to them, they are DEAD!?!? It's not FOR them, it's for YOU.
Yes, I agree. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
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Old 11-26-2016, 09:40 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,465 posts, read 18,172,971 times
Reputation: 18841
Quote:
Originally Posted by rugrats2001 View Post
No offense, but what kind of A-holes DEMAND you not be allowed to publicly grieve for them and receive condolences from friends and family at a public event? What the hell difference does it matter to them, they are DEAD!?!? It's not FOR them, it's for YOU.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
Yes, I agree. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
Thank you both. I am not offended by you opinion, rr. Although I don't think they are a$$holes, I know my husband told me he didn't want people who had "put up with him and then talked behind his back" to perhaps stand there looking at him and feeling "smug" that Earl's lifestyle "got him". That I understood. I didn't like lots of people we knew so it was no problem with me. I did however feel very lonely at the funeral all by myself. MY friends would have come but after 7 months of waiting, no one cared any longer except me.

Dad, like I said, he mentioned it once, in passing.

In ancient Egypt the funerals WERE for the dead. That was their belief. We don't have that custom anymore. It IS for the LIVING and I was alive and I needed it. IF Dad had been adamant like hubby was, I would not have had the wake but he wasn't. I didn't care about the money. I wanted to hold onto Daddy as long as possible.
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Old 11-26-2016, 02:40 PM
 
11,685 posts, read 13,101,708 times
Reputation: 30982
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
Yes, I agree. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
Yes, nowadays it certainly seems so.

It does appear, however, that many contributors have been able to keep their word about no wake and/or funeral, and yet have a gathering for themselves and their family. To me that seems like a fine solution.

Also if someone did not want even a wake, I would not feel I was breaking my word if I had a wake without the body being present, and then buried the body without a graveside ceremony the next day. And I think that given the present-day aversion people have to death, dying, corpses, funerals most friends of the deceased would probably be quit happy with a corpseless wake.

I remember reading many years ago that some Samoans had their wakes before they died so that they could be there to enjoy them. And the main point of the story was to report on an all-the-stops-pulled-out wake that a very old Samoan woman had just thrown for herself. And she had had a bang-up time receiving the condolences of the guests.

Now that's a wake!
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