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Old 11-29-2016, 03:34 PM
 
11,538 posts, read 5,523,897 times
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First of all, I hope that this is the appropriate forum for this.

About 7 years ago, I made an online friend. We first posted in one website. When she posted that she was active on another website that I was also on---and since this website allowed for "friends", I asked her if she would like to be "friends". She agreed and I figured that we would only chat superficially for time to time. Instead, she reached out to me in a big way. She invited me to friend her on another website (a well known one that is not allowed to be mentioned here). I agreed---and our friendship grew. Oddly enough, we never met in person---only talked on the phone once.

She is a very spiritual person with strong faith (I wish that mine were as strong). As a result, she has been there for me when I needed a friend---and I've done the same for her, gladly.

In the past, she has had various health issues and her faith has gotten her through it all.

All that said, she recently posted online that her condition is now "grave"/"serious", even saying that she almost died recently. From what I gathered, she has not given out specific details out to anyone (besides her husband, of course). As a result, I will fully respect her wishes and not ask her about it.

I am feeling very sad about all this---even shedding tears. She is not one to want or ask for sympathy.

So...my question --- Should I write her a message and tell her just how much her friendship has meant to me? I'm torn. On one hand, we hear many times in our lives that we should tell others just how much they mean to us while they are still alive. If we don't we regret it when they pass.

Yet, on the other hand, I don't want her to think I'm fishing for info nor do I want her to feel that I'm feeling sorry for her, as she doesn't like that.

In this situation, what would you do? Write to her or say nothing? I want to do the right thing.

Thank you for your help.

ETA: We live a few hundred miles apart so it's not like I could just pop in and visit her. Yet, if she did want to meet, I would make arrangements with her to do so.
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Old 11-29-2016, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
6,316 posts, read 3,490,581 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
Should I write her a message and tell her just how much her friendship has meant to me?
YES! YES, YES, YES! It is never a bad thing to let someone you love know how deeply you care about them.
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Old 11-29-2016, 05:07 PM
 
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Indeed.... Telling someone you love them is the BEST thing one can do for anyone
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Old 11-29-2016, 09:00 PM
 
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Thanks.

I sent her a message today telling her that I appreciated her friendship. She wrote back to thank me.
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Old 11-29-2016, 10:16 PM
 
Location: San Diego CA
1,030 posts, read 1,998,493 times
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Ask her how you can preserve her memory, I mean keep her spirit alive.

Like open a charity etc...doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

Open a gofundme page for her to collect donations and find out which church she uses.

Open a FB page in her memory.
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Old 11-30-2016, 08:39 AM
 
Location: SWFL
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I was going to say "yes, you should write to her". I am glad to see you did and she said "Thank you". You did the right thing.
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Old 11-30-2016, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Dallas
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I think anyone would appreciate being told that their presence on earth has meant something positive to another. Go with your gut and let her know how much you value her friendship.
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Old 11-30-2016, 09:23 AM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,694,695 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post

All that said, she recently posted online that her condition is now "grave"/"serious", even saying that she almost died recently.
...
Should I write her a message and tell her just how much her friendship has meant to me?.
In light of her grave illness, absolutely. I am sure she would appreciate some uplifting thoughts, perhaps even a promise of a visit wouldn't be out of line if she is terminal.

{{{{hugs}}}}
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Old 11-30-2016, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,042 posts, read 7,210,583 times
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You are fortunate enough to have the chance to tell someone you care deeply for how much they mean to you. I think the problem for you lies in the way you want to express yourself (?)

We lost someone to suicide over two years ago now. I had so much I wanted to say to him and thank him for something specific and I never got the chance. It changed the way I deal with my dear ones. I hug them like I'll never see them again, because I may not. I tell them they are treasured and loved, which they are. It's as simple as that.

You do have to be careful who you say it to. I had one weirdo that told me that it wasn't normal to tell your friends that you love them. I guess he couldn't handle basic human kindness. What ever. I won't change that about me. I still feel terrible about the suicide and all those words of kindness that I should have said but can't now.

Never miss an opportunity to express love and kindness to someone you are close too. It will be good for both of you unless you let someone so damaged in your life and they can't handle love and kindness. I've found that people like that are rare. My friends love me back, say so, and hug me back.
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Old 11-30-2016, 12:48 PM
 
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I am glad you told her she means a lot to you. That is never a morbid thing to do - it is always the right thing if it is true.


I think the worst part of having online friends is that you do share and care - and then someone you have come to consider a friend may suddenly disappear and one doesn't often get to know why that happened unless someone in their real life takes the time/effort to let you know. It is kind of the luck of the draw many times as to whether that will happen, especially if the disappearance is sudden.


When my husband died, luckily I knew the places he most frequented on line (he was a gamer of sorts) and how/where to log on there so I was able to let them all know (more collectively than individually) what happened. Some were devastated - but at least they didn't have to wonder forever why he vanished. He died very unexpectedly. Others there had had lengthy illnesses so their demise was more expected but that gave people more time to say goodbye as well.


If someone who is close to you in this way is already ill it might be appropriate to ask them to ask their SO or a close local friend to let you know should things progress and she won't be able to respond again/right now and/or if she/he passes away. Otherwise, you may be wondering or worried for a long time. It seems your friend is still able to communicate which is wonderful so I guess she is still with you - but perhaps if she doesn't respond for a while - since you do know her phone number I gather - you could also call to find out whether she is just too ill to answer via the net or if she has passed away if no one lets you know. I am sure that her family would appreciate you reaching out to give your support and/or condolences if she does succumb to whatever is currently ailing her.
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