I don't understand those people in our lives who make a bad situation worse every time
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Kathryn, I have no advice either, being an only child but I do know about estrangement from a child. The best thing I did for myself was to let go. Sad, because she is my only child but it used to cause me grief over and over until I just stopped communicating. I don't love her any less, I just do not give her anymore opportunities to stick the knife into my heart anymore.
My sincere best wishes for you and your husband in dealing with this carp. Sounds like you two have a good, stable marriage. May you have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas with your BIL and his wife.
I'm so sorry about your daughter. I really am. What a loss, for both of you. I can understand that feeling of self protection though.
Thank you - Merry Christmas to you and yours as well.
Location: In a rural place where people can't bother me ;)
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The Original post is pretty much why my wife and our 3 children moved as far away as we could from all family. Without warning too...just gone. New phone numbers, deleted all Facebook data and cancelled accounts etc etc etc. The toxicity of some family can actually cause depression. Just cut the bad ones out. We haven't heard from our family in 3 years and don't care. We might return to our homeland once we know their all dead and in the ground...but until then, no thank you.
I'm sorry you have to be the backbone of your family. I mean theres always that one person who is in every family....but it sounds like you need to do YOU and your mom, and when she passes....well, evaluate things from there. Definitely would commit the psycho brother sooner than later though.
The Original post is pretty much why my wife and our 3 children moved as far away as we could from all family. Without warning too...just gone. New phone numbers, deleted all Facebook data and cancelled accounts etc etc etc. The toxicity of some family can actually cause depression. Just cut the bad ones out. We haven't heard from our family in 3 years and don't care. We might return to our homeland once we know their all dead and in the ground...but until then, no thank. I'm sorry you have to be the backbone of your family. I mean theres always that one person who is in every family....but it sounds like you need to do YOU and your mom, and when she passes....well evaluate things from there. Definitely would commit the psycho brother sooner than later though.
Oh he is already committed - he is in the care of the state of Arkansas!!!! He's in a program for the permanently and seriously mentally ill.
The issue is that when he's on his meds (like now), his innate intelligence kicks in and he can SOUND pretty sane and even reasonable. Now - in person, you can tell something is off pretty quickly, but over the phone, he can sound reasonable for awhile. Throw in his devious nature and his verbal skills and the emotional immaturity of the adult kids involved (young adults with unresolved emotional issues - son with PTSD who drinks like a fish, and daughter who has always been very emotionally volatile and hypersensitive), and throw in their grief over losing their grandfather who was such a father figure to them, and their hunger for love and attention from my brother (yes, even though he's unstable they have always yearned for attention from him) and you have a hot mess.
Believe me, my husband and I are figuring out ways to minimize contact with the toxic people in our lives. Doing pretty good so far, actually. I do feel better already.
It's a sad situation but I'm getting my head around it.
I don't want to show them the will because they are so busy talking to my brother all the time. There are things in that will that my brother will not like and will cause him to really go into a tizzy. Listen, he is actually dangerous when he's in a tizzy. Frankly, I don't trust my kids, who have really shown their butts in this, enough to share that will with them.
I am all about transparency too but I draw the line when people insist on being suspicious with me. I have never given any of my kids any reason to think I would lie to them, or mismanage money, or be vindictive or dishonest. I verbally told them the basics of the wills. They are out of line at this point and I don't feel like catering to their unfounded accusations.
I'm sorry for your loss, but having been down this path myself, the best thing is to be open and honest. Look at some of the bolded above. You've directly stated you don't trust your kids, but at the same time expect they should trust you completely. Saying "I don't feel like catering" does come across as a bit vindictive and dismissive. Now is not the time for what you "feel like" emotional response, but doing what is rational to keep everyone informed and rebuild trust.
Now I'm going to be straight up honest with you here. Having read your comments on how you feel about your children and how you responded to them, honestly you're giving them more reasons to believe your brother than you. I'm not saying you intended it that way, but when they do talk to your brother and tell him about being told to leave the house, that give him the opening to say "See, I told you so."
If your brother is that dangerous, continuing to be secretive will only increase his suspicions.
I'm sorry for your loss, but having been down this path myself, the best thing is to be open and honest. Look at some of the bolded above. You've directly stated you don't trust your kids, but at the same time expect they should trust you completely. Saying "I don't feel like catering" does come across as a bit vindictive and dismissive. Now is not the time for what you "feel like" emotional response, but doing what is rational to keep everyone informed and rebuild trust.
Now I'm going to be straight up honest with you here. Having read your comments on how you feel about your children and how you responded to them, honestly you're giving them more reasons to believe your brother than you. I'm not saying you intended it that way, but when they do talk to your brother and tell him about being told to leave the house, that give him the opening to say "See, I told you so."
If your brother is that dangerous, continuing to be secretive will only increase his suspicions.
Sorry, I disagree.
I didn't "stop trusting my kids" till they behaved this way toward me over the past month or so. They have been HORRIBLE to me. Not only was I dealing with the grief over my dad, I have been 100 percent in charge of my mother, her move, her financial stability, etc. etc. And I've been sick as a dog with bronchitis and was actually ordered to bed by my doctor, along with a boatload of meds. And that was the point that they apparently lost their minds. Wow, talk about kicking me when I'm down. I couldn't believe it.
So no, I don't trust their judgment or their attitude toward me at all right now. THEY have given ME reason not to trust them. I have not given them any reason not to trust me. I have never lied to them. NOT ONCE. I am not a deceitful person and have never been. I am generally a very transparent person. But no matter what I've said to them since my dad died, they've taken it and twisted it. Why, I don't know. I've asked them but they won't answer that question, other than my daughter saying to me, seriously and literally, "I know I need professional help." Yes. Yes, she does.
Anything I say to them, will go directly to my brother - with their particular spin on it. Why on EARTH should I feed that monster?
And I will tell anyone to leave my house if they are being that rude to me. Anyone - from my kids to the President of the United States. Keep in mind I didn't say this till my son had ranted and raved at me for several hours. I had already tried to reason with him for hours up to that point, even though he was way out of line and being very condescending and haughty toward me. And I was so sick that I could literally barely talk. I BEGGED him to just drop it for now, we would talk about it the next day. Nope. He went on and on, even standing outside my bedroom door talking loudly to me.
And finally, yes, my brother IS dangerous. I found out this week that he's been asking family members to send him knives and guns. He is not allowed to own these items. He has actually gotten some very dangerous knives from a family member. Not sure about the guns.
Because of him, even though I live in a low crime area, I have taken on considerable expense and installed a comprehensive security system, gone to classes so I can legally carry a firearm, installed multiple security lights, and installed heavy duty blinds (that I otherwise wouldn't need and don't even want) to the tune of about $3000 downstairs because I do not want him to be able to see into my house in the evenings at all, from any angle. Yes, I am nervous about his anger and aggression toward me. I have had to call the police on him before when he came over to my house at midnight, yelling and waving a gun around. He is a dangerous, aggressive, paranoid person.
Like I said, I am meeting with the estate attorney Monday because I need professional advice on how to handle this very delicate situation. Seeing the will is going to blow his mind, because he thinks he should be receiving items and money - and that's simply not the case. MY MOTHER INHERITS EVERYTHING. However, she made changes in her will (as did my dad) when my brother had his complete mental meltdown and was committed, because due to the nature of his illness, he is unable to inherit some items and property (that he thinks he is inheriting for some reason). Personally I don't want to have to deal with his extreme and dangerous anger without some serious legal advice first.
I do not feel as though I "owe" him any sort of answer other than what I've given him repeatedly, which is "Mom inherited everything."
Kathryn, First let me say how sorry I am to hear of your father's passing. Hugs to you, you are in my thoughts. You are strong, and, yes, sometimes we strong ones need to be reminded that it's okay to let someone else carry the load for a while. I have every confidence that your kids will return to their senses once the influence of your brother fades away. If they continue to communicate with him, it will only be a matter of time until he abuses their trust or starts attempting to manipulate them for money, or other things. Soon they will understand your point of view. Please don't do anything "unrepairable" to your relationship with your kids. Leave to door open a little crack for when that time comes. Hopefully they will see their mistakes and apologize to you. I'm not saying to cater to them or take any verbal abuse, just to never say "never". I'm sorry they were so hurtful at a time when you were all needing emotional support.
I'm so glad you have the love and strength of your husband and the rest of your family to carry you through. I wish you and your family a lovely Christmas.
edited to add: I just saw what you posted about your brother getting access to weapons. I hope that you will forward that information to the folks that are in charge of caring for him, as well as the authorities. I don't want to scare you, but if I were you I might also get an alarm system and have your locks changed.
Last edited by TheShadow; 12-17-2016 at 09:47 AM..
By the way, I am not being secretive. I am simply not passing out copies of my dad's will like they were candy. My mom, who is the main heir, has a copy. My older brother, who is a listed heir, has a copy. The only reason I have a copy at all is because my dad gave me a copy due to the huge responsibility he was putting on me (taking care of my mom and other things upon his possible death). I am not even an heir! MY MOM INHERITED EVERYTHING except a specific item he left to my oldest brother (no problem there at all). Those are the only two heirs listed in my dad's will. PERIOD.
My gosh, I never saw my grandmother's will. It never occurred to me to even ask to see it. I didn't see my inlaw's wills till after they were dead (and my husband, an heir, got a copy of it).
When my most beloved sister, Liz, got killed by a drunk driver on horrid Long Island (guy who did it got off with probation) I heard all manner of weird crap. The worst: some aged aunt who I'd never even heard of told me she was better off dead and in Heaven with Jesus than down here with all the drugs and immorrality.
Heaven help me, I wanted to spit in this 80 year old womans face.
Best I heard was "we're sure she's in Heaven with God, and you'll all be together again." Cold comfort for me, who does not believe in God, or Heaven, or anything but than when you're dead, you are long gone and nowhere.
Kathryn, First let me say how sorry I am to hear of your father's passing. Hugs to you, you are in my thoughts. You are strong, and, yes, sometimes we strong ones need to be reminded that it's okay to let someone else carry the load for a while. I have every confidence that your kids will return to their senses once the influence of your brother fades away. If they continue to communicate with him, it will only be a matter of time until he abuses their trust or starts attempting to manipulate them for money, or other things. Soon they will understand your point of view. Please don't do anything "unrepairable" to your relationship with your kids. Leave to door open a little crack for when that time comes. Hopefully they will see their mistakes and apologize to you. I'm not saying to cater to them or take any verbal abuse, just to never say "never". I'm sorry they were so hurtful at a time when you were all needing emotional support.
I'm so glad you have the love and strength of your husband and the rest of your family to carry you through. I wish you and your family a lovely Christmas.
edited to add: I just saw what you posted about your brother getting access to weapons. I hope that you will forward that information to the folks that are in charge of caring for him, as well as the authorities. I don't want to scare you, but if I were you I might also get an alarm system and have your locks changed.
Great post - thanks, and I agree with the whole thing.
Because of him, I installed a very comprehensive alarm system a couple of years ago in spite of living in a very low crime area. I also went through the classes, the hassle and the expense of getting a license to carry a weapon, something I hate doing and hate having to have but it's mainly because of my concerns about my brother.
I agree about not doing anything rash with my kids. I am being polite and reserved with them, but remain accessible. I do think it is only a matter of time before that whole situation with their "alliance"with my brother cracks and falls apart.
The only thing irreversible to me, and I've only told my closed mouth husband this (and the internet - LOL - just this forum) is that I doubt I will ever rest easy with the kids who did this to me. I will always know that this capacity for cruelty lurks within them. Their father has this cruel streak in him too -which is why I finally divorced him. Ain't nobody got time fo dat.
I am so tired of mentally unstable people I could just spit nails.
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