U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-17-2016, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,899 posts, read 32,658,014 times
Reputation: 57025

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Once a will is entered into probate, it becomes public record. Anyone who wants to see it, can.

Good - then they can go get a copy. I'm just not going to cater to unreasonable demands and bullying from people who are antagonistic toward me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-17-2016, 12:34 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18814
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Good - then they can go get a copy. I'm just not going to cater to unreasonable demands and bullying from people who are antagonistic toward me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2016, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,048,458 times
Reputation: 20460
Sadly, when a person passes every freak in the family comes climbing out the woodwork! We experienced this when my grandfather passed. A cousin no one had heard form in over a decade came crawling out like a zombie. All he wanted was money and houses.....my grandparents didn't have a pot to pee in! My grandmother was still alive and well. She told him to P*** off. He disappears for another 15 years. When my grandmother passes away - within a week - guess who comes climbing back out like mold? You guessed it! Now he wants more stuff - money, houses, possessions. The guy is out of his tree. He's a leach. My grandparents had absolutely nothing except for a crummy house in a really crappy city that needs MAJOR repairs.

Hang in there! The good news is that there IS a will! There is POA signed. So even if crazy brother decides to go to court, he's SOL. Thankfully your mom still has enough going on that she isn't giving into him. Something to think about.....if he keeps pestering her, it might be time to speak to an attorney to limit his visits with supervision or something. Unfortunately, people steal from the elderly and the demented something terrible. I would be very cautious with him around mom. Who knows if he is trying to get her to sign anything.

It WILL get better! Your children will get a grip and come to their senses eventually.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2016, 03:13 PM
 
Location: Central IL
13,360 posts, read 7,121,412 times
Reputation: 31053
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Wow, what words of wisdom. And yes, I'm weaker than usual right now, due to my grief as well as having been physically really sick for two weeks with bronchitis - it really took the stuffing out of me. And that's when these people - who shock me with their cruelty actually - went in for the kill. It really devastated me.

I was feeling bluer and sadder last night than I am this morning. Now I'm back to more mad than sad, and that feels better - LOL.

My husband had great advice. He said, "We need to focus on building our own happy memories." Simple but very eloquent truth. His one son (from a previous marriage) has broken his heart this year too, and he has lost BOTH parents and only has one brother (who thankfully we both love, along with his sweet wife - going to spend Christmas with these two normal and fun people!), so he does know how I feel, which is very helpful.

He also recommended - in a very kind and not snarky or judgmental way - that maybe we could go to some counseling together. I like that idea. We've suffered many personal losses over the past two years. We do not want our grief to negatively affect one thing that we both cherish - our own relationship. Grief can really change people, especially when it just keeps piling on and piling on.

For instance, the feeling of rejection is new to me. I am normally a very self confident and happy person. I normally do not take things personally most of the time - unless they ARE personal - which this is. So I'm sort of reeling in shock and feeling like a leper or something!
Tough times indeed...sounds like you're getting a handle on it but it's so unnecessarily exhausting both mentally and physically I know. You have a very wise husband to suggest counseling...and not just for you but for both your losses - do you know how few men would even have that thought?! Very rare and something to cherish. Try to detach a bit and rest to get your energy back.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2016, 04:56 PM
 
Location: WA
865 posts, read 399,375 times
Reputation: 2632
When people act in ways that you don't understand look at it as a test. It may seem like the world is crashing in around you. But in 5 years you will remember these feelings and thoughts and how you remained the bigger person throughout this ordeal.

Just make sure to take care of your health and strength and you should be able to weather any storms ahead. The people who make bad decisions just haven't learned how to treat people. Some can go through their entire lives without having that awareness. We all make mistakes, but if it's a way of life then that person probably has some personality flaw or disorder that is making them behave like idiots.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2016, 05:20 PM
 
4,110 posts, read 3,447,161 times
Reputation: 8179
Oh boy. I did not realize your unstable brother was violent. I hope your dogs are of the protective variety. I consider firearms to be backup for guardian dogs.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2016, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,899 posts, read 32,658,014 times
Reputation: 57025
Quote:
Originally Posted by historyfan View Post
Oh boy. I did not realize your unstable brother was violent. I hope your dogs are of the protective variety. I consider firearms to be backup for guardian dogs.
Me too.

Both my dogs are about 80 pounds each. One looks scarier than she is, and one doesn't look scary but I think he'd tear someone up. So that's the game plan.

Yes, my brother is potentially very violent and I am speaking with an attorney Monday about how to get a grip on him and try to keep him in line.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2016, 09:44 PM
 
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
11,047 posts, read 11,455,634 times
Reputation: 17204
1. Has your mother been declared legally incompetent by a court? If not, she can make her own will or resume control of her affairs without your consent.

2. How do your kids not know that their uncle is mentally ill?

3. You have a couple of kids who are not acting rationally. Are you sure they aren't showing signs of mental illness? Schizophrenia does run in families.

4. Your brother may need end of life support. It's not common, but Schizophrenia can be a progressive disease that leads to catatonia and early death. You may want to research that and make realistic plans. A trust is a great idea, but he may not live long enough to collect much from it. The average male schizophrenic has a life span 15 years shorter than the unafflicted.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-17-2016, 10:30 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,899 posts, read 32,658,014 times
Reputation: 57025
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Caldwell View Post
1. Has your mother been declared legally incompetent by a court? If not, she can make her own will or resume control of her affairs without your consent.

2. How do your kids not know that their uncle is mentally ill?

3. You have a couple of kids who are not acting rationally. Are you sure they aren't showing signs of mental illness? Schizophrenia does run in families.

4. Your brother may need end of life support. It's not common, but Schizophrenia can be a progressive disease that leads to catatonia and early death. You may want to research that and make realistic plans. A trust is a great idea, but he may not live long enough to collect much from it. The average male schizophrenic has a life span 15 years shorter than the unafflicted.
1. No, my mother has not been declared incompetent by a court. I realize she can do whatever she wants without my consent. So what? What's that got to do with reality? The reality is that my mother trusts me because I am a competent, honest person, and I trust her as well. The reality is that my mother's health AND mental capacity are both frail and tenuous, due to several different health issues, and she knows it. The reality is that my father knew that too, and that is why BOTH my parents asked me to help both of them with their affairs - medical, financial, etc. - in their elderly years and especially if my father passed before my mother. So that's what I'm doing.

2. I have four adult children. Two of them are acting irrationally at the moment. All of my children know that their uncle is mentally ill. Seriously mentally ill. So your second question is sort of moot.

3. No, I'm not sure that my two irrationally acting children are mentally stable. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they are both emotionally unstable. I believe I've already stated that.

4. I have already thoroughly researched schizophrenia and have even taken some pretty in depth classes offered by NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) on the topic, as well as classes for family members who are dealing with this illness in their loved ones. I know about the shortened life span. That being said, I am not my brother's guardian and will not take on that role and neither will my mother. He has wreaked absolute havoc in our lives and I'm sorry, but his problems are exacerbated by his lack of good character and substance abuse, and always have been. My pity has limits. As I've stated, he's been very threatening toward me in the past - and the not too distant past for that matter. He has also been so threatening and so awful to my mother that my dad had to order him to leave their property. I have had to call the police to get him removed from my property in the past as well. Nope. Not taking that job on. And my mother is unable to as well. He does not respect either of us (actually he doesn't respect women) and will absolutely not "submit to our authority." His mental healthcare facility actually tried to get me to sign for his temporary visits - which meant that I was taking on the responsibility of monitoring him 24/7 and guaranteeing that he would not be around drugs, alcohol, or weapons and would be with me every minute of the day and night. I said, "Are you kidding me? HE won't abide by those rules. So no." And he wouldn't have. My dad used to sign for him so to speak, agreeing to those terms, and the minute my brother was "out" he would do whatever he wanted to do and to hell with the terms of temporary release.

He's not a nice guy.

He is a ward of the state at the moment and on 100 percent disability. At present, his physical health is stable. If that changes, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But frankly, there's not a lot that my mother and I can even do for him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-18-2016, 05:46 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,105 posts, read 17,640,353 times
Reputation: 22444
You know what , your kids made their bed so to speak let them lie in it . They seem to be very disrespectful to you and I would have told them there is the door make good use of it especially when they ruin a holiday . Oh dare they speak to you like that and you let them I would have kicked them right out that door and so what they are not speaking to you , they will get over it , if not oh well and let them carry on . You are doing the right thing and they are too young to see it .Let them carry on the way they are and you do what you have to do and so be it .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top