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Send your son and daughter copies of your father's will - by certified mail, so they'll have to sign and you'll know they've received it. If you include a note, keep it short and to the point - something like "I thought you would want to see Grandpa's will and have your own copies, so here they are. Love, Mom". The will should speak for itself.
Do not engage with your children or brother any more than you must until they calm down and (I hope) apologize for their bad behavior. Keep strong boundaries - hard, hard, hard, I know, when it's your own kids - but necessary for your own well-being.
I am so sorry for all this grief, stress - and distress, especially during this time of the year, and hope that things will resolve more peaceably for you and your family soon.
Now I know attorneys are not something most of us ever hope to need, but they can be very helpful with family and estate stuff and neutralizing other family members bent on causing trouble. I was executor of my dad's estate, his medical and financial POA, etc. as you are. I have 2 younger sisters. The youngest and I have always gotten along very well, but the middle one usually pitches fits over the tiniest things. She is a master at emotional blackmail, a bully, and just a surly unhappy person. Predictably she made the whole estate settlement business a lot harder than it needed to be and caused me no end of heartache. I found an unlikely ally....the attorney we had to engage for the probate process. He was my backup. Whenever that sister tried to stir the pot, pick fights, whine, drag her feet, set one sibling against the other regarding property or estate business, he didn't get ruffled and calmly reminded me that his job was to represent ME, not them. He offered to write letters to the other siblings on my behalf, he sent them all the official notices (as the neutral party so it wasn't ME doing it), and repeatedly set the record straight with them if I needed him to. He stood up to all the arguments and whining without getting emotionally charged up. The nasty sister could not claim she was being left out or uninformed. She could not force or persuade him to do anything unethical no matter how disagreeable she was. He was always ready to set the record straight about who can demand what, who sets the process, etc. referencing impartial law, not someone's personal demands. I could always count on the attorney to to handle more unpleasant things on my behalf and there was nothing they could do about it.
Just knowing there was someone on my side who knew the legalities of my dad's wishes made all the difference in the world. I could explain the troubles to him knowing he had been through this with numerous families in the same situations and had probably heard and seen it all. He was a calm impartial sounding board with good advice. If you don't have an estate attorney, you might consider it.
In the end, every time I start to relive the worst moments of all that, I have to remind myself that I honored my dad's wishes, his memory, and have nothing to feel badly about. My sister was the one who gets to live with her poor behavior, not me. All of this will end, believe me. You will mend stronger and faster because you stuck to what was right. If I don't regard my nasty sister with the same obligatory affection (as well as unease) as before, that is on her, not me. She still has some power over the rest of us and always will, but she has no ammunition to throw about any of this any longer.
One stellar piece of irony was that my surly sister insisted that SHE choose the probate attorney despite the fact that this was my decision. SHE screamed and yelled about it so I caved in. The attorney we used was her choice and he didn't give her one inch that she didn't deserve. I think she hoped to have more influence over him so it infuriated her but it always gave me a secret little howl of laughter...Gotcha!!
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-13-2016 at 12:41 PM..
YOU are in charge and he's drug his niece and nephew into a situation they have zero business being in.
Yes, YOU do control all the money and you need to remind your brother of this that if he doesn't make things right with your kids, he will not see a dime from your mother.
Stay in bed and take care of you until you feel better.
So - as soon as he realized that I was "in charge" - he freaked out. He didn't freak out to me, of course. No. To me he was sweet as peaches. But he began working on two of my adult kids, and to some extent my poor mom, who has a hard time as it is! He didn't get far with her, but he made some inroads with two of my adult kids (out of four). See, his cash cow is gone. He can't manipulate me to give him money. He was trying to manipulate my mom into "standing up to me," and insisting that she could live alone for a few months till he could "move in and take care of her." OMG!!!!!! Thankfully my mom didn't want that either so that idea died. He would have had her debit card and access to her money and living there free and expecting her to cook and clean for him in no time!
The bolded part caught my attention. If you are in charge of all her money, how could that have even been possible - him getting access to her debit card and money? If she has dementia, he could still manipulate her into taking him in. Seems you might need some extra protection from her bank or a trustee of some sort. I have no legal expertise but just a suggestion.
I'm so sorry for your losses - all of them. It's amazing how fragile family ties can be. I, too, am experiencing similar losses with my brother and a once beloved niece. All for much more trivial matters than you are dealing with. With my niece, there is no going back as I will never trust her again. It remains to be seen what happens with my brother but his "wall of silence" is enraging me.
I'm glad you are feeling stronger and letting anger replace the hurt. Anger gives you a strength that hurt cannot. Hold your ground and live your life.
Are you sure you don't want to rethink giving your kids a copy of the will along with a detailed written account of what you've done? Not doing so makes it seem like you're hiding something.
I agree completely. It seems odd to be so transparent about finances after a death, as we're conditioned to be closed about such things, but suspicions tend to run high during such a time, and openness tends to dissuade such suspicions. A paranoid schizophrenic won't be dissuaded by facts, but others in the family will be.
I never met any of my grandmother's extended family over rifts that happened after her father's death, long before I was born. Those rifts never healed. Everyone digging in their heels now will result in the same resentment and hostility. Now is not the time to be stubborn - I'm not saying anyone should get something not due to them - but attempts at transparency should be made.
I agree you should have everything out in the open whether it causes a fit or not for some people. Show them the will. Transparency is the best policy. Secrecy creates suspicion. Let the sun shine in like a disinfectant. Like one of the posters said about their particular situation, "The nasty sister could not claim she was being left out or uninformed." You can lay the facts out and ignore people's interpretations, and just let the facts speak for themselves, I think would be the best policy.
The way I personally handle these situations works for me. YMMV. I just let people act like jerks and get right out of their way to be sure they can be the biggest jerks possible. I shield myself from the consequences of their actions and stop communication with them until they behave like humans again.
But this isn't just a matter of things blowing over, I imagine. You may actually need to receive apologies from your kids for believing that crap and secondly for behaving the way they did. Apologies, or at least promises not to do any of that ever again.
YOU are in charge and he's drug his niece and nephew into a situation they have zero business being in.
Yes, YOU do control all the money and you need to remind your brother of this that if he doesn't make things right with your kids, he will not see a dime from your mother.
Stay in bed and take care of you until you feel better.
KA can't make this decision. KA is obligated to do exactly what her father has spelled out in his Trust/Estate documents. This is a common misperception by people who have not been through it. The executor executes the instructions written out by the person who died - they do not make the decisions. If her dad put money aside for her PIA brother, then her PIA brother gets the money. KA said he does get some money, but it goes into a trust, when their mother passes away.
KA, I would let an attorney handle that trust when the time comes. He can be paid from the funds in the trust. You can enjoy telling your brother that he will end up having to pay the attorney out of his own money since he proved that he will do nothing but make your life miserable if you try to handle that one on your own. Then he can be as much of a jerk as he wants, and pay for the privilege.
Kathryn I am so sorry you're going through this at Christmas time especially. You are also one of my favorite posters on city data. I don't know what else to say other than I will say a prayer for you this evening.
KA, you momentarily lost footing, but you just made an impressive and fast recovery and are on solid ground. Sometimes family relations suck. Especially at those times, it is important to lean on the support of those you love and who love you - not just for yourself, but for them as well. That is part of marriage, that is part of a loving and giving relationship. If your loved ones can't give when you are in need, you deny them a type of closeness and connection.
I'm sorry that the flaws of those around you have manifested so hurtfully, but I urge you not to strike back out unless it is strictly in self-defense. Protect yourself and let their behavior have effect on them more than you.
Counseling is good. I would also suggest studying a bit of "Non-violent Communication," which can allow you to communicate on a safe level when that time comes again.
My best wishes go to you. May I suggest that you give yourself and husband a treat of some sort that is totally unrelated to anything else? Perhaps taking in a Broadway play, or a quick visit to a warm beach?
I don't have any advice for you. Just want to wish you well as you make your way through this.
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