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Old 12-30-2016, 07:39 AM
 
Location: County Mayo Descendant
2,725 posts, read 4,905,525 times
Reputation: 1188

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Came here to CD for help with another thing and seen the topic listed as grieving.

I lost my mum 2 mo. ago, she had Alz which kicked in big time around fall of last year, she was living with me, it was very hard to see my Mum this way, I knew something was wrong 2 yrs ago but she did not want to be tested for memory etc. being she assumed she'd be labeled as crazy etc. She was from the old school and that's just the way most of them think. The disease just got worse, she was hiding things, quit taking her meds when she was so religious her entire life taking her meds ever day, staying up all night, she didn't trust me giving her the meds, arguing with me, we never argued most of our lives. I was thinking over the past year why is she arguing with me, this never happened before, I didn't realize the personality changes with Alz. I had to place her in a nursing home. She kept wanting to come home and I felt so guilty, sad, so many things I was feeling.

After a month or 2 she thought the place was her apartment, she didn't realize it was a nursing home. It was sad to visit her, to agree with what she was talking about, things that did not happen in the present. Towards the end she had a dx of liver cancer which was painful and then she broke her hip. There was no sense in getting a hip replacement or chemo for the cancer, at her age she'd never make it thru that. When they came in to change the sheets and move her around hearing her anguish over the pain when moved had me so upset, down, there was nothing I could do, I felt helpless. As the pain increased the morphine dose was also, this really had her out of it. I knew the end was near. A hospice nurse helped with her pain, I was thankful for the nurse, my Mum never experienced any type of pain like this. Actually she died before her last breath as the morphine took over, her soul was gone, it was just watching her body die.

Now I'm just at a loss, I keep thinking she is in the living room. I lost my husband while he was quite young. I had no support from my sister who never visited Mum, even when she was dying. I don't know how my sister can live with herself. You'd think she could of supported me but no, I sort of knew that anyway as she was no support when my father died. The day after Mum died my sister called and said " I feel like I should come there" I said there's nothing you can do now. Where was her damn brain while my mum was dying and I was watching this happen. We were not abused kids, she has a controlling husband and goes with anything he says. She only lived a 2 hr drive away.

So now I don't know what to do with myself, I'm tired of sorting things in this house there is no end. I have turned into a real B. I have a health problem where I cannot stand or walk for more than 15 min. I need to find a store etc. that sells handicapped aids. I'm sort of housebound. I think I need to move being I longer can take of this house, I have a dog and she has to come with me. I don't want to live in a senior bldg. My Mum lived in one of those and there were so many rules, most people were nebby and watched what everyone was doing.

I say to myself you are free, go somewhere but I don't know where to go, I'm not afraid of being alone or anything like that, I just feel like I'm paralyzed or something like that. I think who in the H knows when we leave this world, I got to get on with life, I wanted to go out but we got pounded with snow & I don't want to drive in it and swear all the way to town.
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Old 12-30-2016, 06:36 PM
 
5,529 posts, read 1,950,375 times
Reputation: 4010
Dear Rural Lady. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I know it was difficult with the added issue of alzheimers. I lost my precious mom to cancer and my mother-in-law to alzheimers, and I can only imagine how you are feeling.

Please be gentle with yourself. With all you have been through, I'm sure you are thoroughly exhausted. Try to rest as much as you can when you can. I know you have some big decisions to make, but try, if you can, not to overwhelm yourself with all of those decisions at one time. Is there anyone you can talk with about your grief and all that you've gone through these past few months? I'm sorry your sister was unable or unwilling to be with you during all this.

Yes, you are free, but first you need to heal. As you can, get plenty of sleep, eat well and exercise as you are able, maybe going for walks. I know this may sound simple and hackneyed, but believe me, all of these things can help, as I can attest.

Again, I am so very sorry, and I wish you peace in the days ahead. As hard as it may be to believe right now, the pain will get better. Please know you are not alone, and I wish you the very best with whatever decisions need to be made. *Hugs*
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Old 12-30-2016, 06:58 PM
Status: "be kind." (set 25 days ago)
 
2,682 posts, read 3,883,065 times
Reputation: 6247
Don't make any rash decisions right now. You have been through a lot over the last few months. Give yourself some time to heal. Get lots of rest and take care of yourself.

You will likely feel much clearer about what you should do in a few months.
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Old 12-30-2016, 07:15 PM
 
Location: Midland, MI
504 posts, read 478,745 times
Reputation: 1071
Sometimes right afterward people feel numb especially when it's been a long illness. Not to sound trite but really just take a day at a time.
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Old 12-30-2016, 07:51 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
465 posts, read 266,087 times
Reputation: 1648
It's better to go through this slowly. You have no control over what your sister did or didn't do. That's something she needs to carry, not you. I understand your anger, but it really is on her.Take time to sort through things because you've had alot on you. After being the main caretaker of a loved one, it's normal to feel numb and lost. You are grieving!

Take care of you! Hugs!
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Old 12-31-2016, 07:37 PM
 
Location: encino, CA
866 posts, read 371,414 times
Reputation: 1132
Dear Rural Lady: I feel very bad for you and the situation. My wife just crossed over back in May. Her passing was not as bad as your mom's but I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do with my life now. I'm 79 but in good health.
Well, I won't lecture or give you any advice here.
All I can say is that I am using whatever spiritual or emotional tools I have or can find to help me "go on" from here. We had no kids or pets so I am completely alone now except that she is often here now and in most of my dreams so I do not feel completely alone and abandoned. I could fill a few dozen pages of how and when she comes here (from the afterlife) to be with me and let me know that she is OK now and having a ball in that realm.
If it's any comfort to you, I went to a few Psychics and had several wonderful and even funny conversations with my late wife and even a few others over in the Afterlife so, "losing" them is not so sad or painful since they are not actually "gone".
Your mom will probably come visit you from time to time so you will need to be emotionally open to her presence when she is there. They have a wide range of ways and means to let us know they are still here so I hope you see/hear/feel her again. They never actually leave and are right here with us but in a slightly different dimension or reality.
Blessings and good luck,
jim (and Irene)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rural lady View Post
Came here to CD for help with another thing and seen the topic listed as grieving.

I lost my mum 2 mo. ago, she had Alz which kicked in big time around fall of last year, she was living with me, it was very hard to see my Mum this way, I knew something was wrong 2 yrs ago but she did not want to be tested for memory etc. being she assumed she'd be labeled as crazy etc. She was from the old school and that's just the way most of them think. The disease just got worse, she was hiding things, quit taking her meds when she was so religious her entire life taking her meds ever day, staying up all night, she didn't trust me giving her the meds, arguing with me, we never argued most of our lives. I was thinking over the past year why is she arguing with me, this never happened before, I didn't realize the personality changes with Alz. I had to place her in a nursing home. She kept wanting to come home and I felt so guilty, sad, so many things I was feeling.

After a month or 2 she thought the place was her apartment, she didn't realize it was a nursing home. It was sad to visit her, to agree with what she was talking about, things that did not happen in the present. Towards the end she had a dx of liver cancer which was painful and then she broke her hip. There was no sense in getting a hip replacement or chemo for the cancer, at her age she'd never make it thru that. When they came in to change the sheets and move her around hearing her anguish over the pain when moved had me so upset, down, there was nothing I could do, I felt helpless. As the pain increased the morphine dose was also, this really had her out of it. I knew the end was near. A hospice nurse helped with her pain, I was thankful for the nurse, my Mum never experienced any type of pain like this. Actually she died before her last breath as the morphine took over, her soul was gone, it was just watching her body die.

Now I'm just at a loss, I keep thinking she is in the living room. I lost my husband while he was quite young. I had no support from my sister who never visited Mum, even when she was dying. I don't know how my sister can live with herself. You'd think she could of supported me but no, I sort of knew that anyway as she was no support when my father died. The day after Mum died my sister called and said " I feel like I should come there" I said there's nothing you can do now. Where was her damn brain while my mum was dying and I was watching this happen. We were not abused kids, she has a controlling husband and goes with anything he says. She only lived a 2 hr drive away.

So now I don't know what to do with myself, I'm tired of sorting things in this house there is no end. I have turned into a real B. I have a health problem where I cannot stand or walk for more than 15 min. I need to find a store etc. that sells handicapped aids. I'm sort of housebound. I think I need to move being I longer can take of this house, I have a dog and she has to come with me. I don't want to live in a senior bldg. My Mum lived in one of those and there were so many rules, most people were nebby and watched what everyone was doing.

I say to myself you are free, go somewhere but I don't know where to go, I'm not afraid of being alone or anything like that, I just feel like I'm paralyzed or something like that. I think who in the H knows when we leave this world, I got to get on with life, I wanted to go out but we got pounded with snow & I don't want to drive in it and swear all the way to town.
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Old 01-01-2017, 11:51 AM
 
Location: SW US
1,996 posts, read 1,853,151 times
Reputation: 3354
There's a book called Journey of Souls that I read after my father died. I found it helpful. For some months after my mother died last year, visions of her as a young woman, laughing and jumping and running, would suddenly pop into my head. She could not have been happy hanging around for us, dying of a miserable cancer.
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Old 01-01-2017, 12:03 PM
 
Location: 49th parallel
2,117 posts, read 1,061,126 times
Reputation: 4365
So sorry for your loss. I know what it's like to lose your mother, whether or not you had a good relationship. I can remember thinking I was ok after about a month, then something entirely unrelated (cleaning up in her room) got me down and I ended up blubbering and sobbing, which I had never done when she died. Somehow after that things were a bit better. So you may need to take your time, live with your grief, and know that you did everything for your mom that you possibly could at the time. That's enough for now.

Later on you will see that it was better to just let things simmer down, not make any big decisions until you really, really are over the worst. Pay it cool with your sister - you and she have both lost your parents and she has to face that in her own way, not necessarily your way. In a few months you can decide if you want to stay or go, and you will be able to make better decisions then. Trust me, it does get better.
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Old 01-04-2017, 01:48 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. Like others, I think it would be good for you to rest a while. People really underestimate how much care giving takes out of the caregiver. After taking care of my dying husband for nearly 4 years, like you, I could just stand for a few minutes without pain, due to old medical problems that had gone untreated for way too long. I addition, I had severe insomnia. My advice is to make sure you are sleeping and eating well. Seek medical advice for that if you need to. Take time to think, just sit if you want. Grieving is a long process sometimes, and takes a lot out of you. Your sister, although not a good support when your mom was ill, might be one now. If you think it is appropriate, call her to talk about how you are feeling now. My two sisters were a great help for me after my husband died because they made it clear that I could call any time to talk about things. I knew they didn't really understand (neither had lost their husband) but they were there for me, and that helped.

I know that after your only parent dies, there can be a lot of paper work, not to mention getting all the "things" of life in order and making decisions. In thinking about where you want to live, take your time with that, too. Look into alternatives. This might be one of those things that you could talk about with your sister or a friend. Do you have a church? That might be a source of help with lots of things. (I had church friends who were invaluable with helping me to move as well as many other tasks.) Remember that you have had a long time where you had to be concentrated on your mother, not on yourself and your life. It will take a while to rest up and catch up. Look at your situation and decide if there is anything that actually needs to be rushed. If there is, do that and ease up on the other things. Big decisions like those you need to make are best made when you are rested, healthy, and unstressed. That may sound unrealistic, but I imagine you can at least move a little toward those goals.

By the way, I started working toward finding the right people to help me with my medical problems, and now, two years after my husband's death, I am coming close to being pain free, able to walk a few miles, much stronger and with better posture. It can happen, even when you are older. There is hope.
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Old 01-04-2017, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,316,975 times
Reputation: 27726
I'm sorry for your loss and the pain that your mum had to go through. With the dying process and death being so traumatic for survivors, we tend to focus on those last days and the events. It is natural, it is partly the hardwiring of our brains recording a major event, in part so that we might learn from it for our own survival. If you have photos or notes or cards from better times, pull one or two out if you find yourself stuck on only thinking about the recent events. Within a lifetime, most people have more good events and happy times than the bad ones near death.

There may be little odd events and synchronicities that indicate a continuing presence, especially if your relationship was close. Go with the flow and recognize that your experience is yours and not to be judged by others.

A note on senior housing - having lived in south Florida where a lot of retirees live, those rules are there for a reason. Some seniors have no boundaries and act out horribly without them. There are "over-55" neighborhoods and mobile home parks, but expect a lot of social interaction if you decide to try one.
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