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Old 01-15-2017, 03:00 PM
 
15,743 posts, read 13,167,427 times
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I been part of this friend group for 15 years, there are four of us, and we have stayed besties despite moves, kids of varying ages, even divorces, and so on. We even just somehow managed a 4 day girls weekend to commemorate everyone entering their 40s this year. One of us survived a horrible accident this week. She was injured (but will survive) but several of her children did not. These are kids we have known their entire lives, we are god parents to some of them.

This isn't just a loss, it is a loss of unimaginable size and scope. I just keep going to see her and hold her hand, but if there is anyone out there who has lost children, especially multiple young children, if you could give any advice on how to cope with this I would be forever grateful. Thank you.
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Old 01-15-2017, 04:40 PM
 
Location: home state of Myrtle Beach!
6,233 posts, read 18,119,501 times
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I have not lost a child, but I did lose my husband last year. Do not rush your friend out of her grief. Hold her hand, listen to her without judging her grief. Let her scream about how unfair it is. It is. No parent should go through what she is going through. If she is on Facebook there are grief groups there. I joined one for widows/widowers when my husband died. There is one (or more) for the loss of children. Urge her to find help on one of them. I will get a link and paste it later as I'm rushed for time right now.
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Old 01-15-2017, 08:51 PM
 
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I agree. Be there for her. There is no way that you can know the depths of her grief if you haven't experienced it. A lot of friends sort of peter out when comforting friends who have loss. After a couple of months, they think it should be done. It won't be. This will be long, and you need to hang in a long time. Of course, you need to be sensitive, especially later, as to what her actual needs are. I agree that helping her to find a grief group that is specifically around the loss of children would be very helpful, but it may be too fresh right now to start in a group. When people can participate in groups depends on the person. Online grief groups may be useful, but a face-to-face group would be much better in the beginning. Type written words can never be as comforting as real people who have been through the same thing.
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Old 01-15-2017, 10:12 PM
 
Location: home state of Myrtle Beach!
6,233 posts, read 18,119,501 times
Reputation: 3419
This is a closed group. She can vent away and only group members will see her posts.

GTU FOR GRIEVING PARENTS

When I lost my husband our church offered Griefshare just 5 weeks after his death. I was so mad and hadn't yet found my voice to speak of the loss but it helped me see my feelings were normal. Maybe something like that will help her. Sometimes realizing that what you're feeling is normal can be a big help.
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Old 01-16-2017, 11:51 AM
 
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Your local hospice may also have groups. The people who participate don't necessarily need to be hospice clients. Even if they don't have an appropriate group, they may be able to recommend one. The one I was associated with (in Austin TX) had groups for spousal loss, loss of children and general losses.
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Old 01-16-2017, 02:33 PM
 
15,743 posts, read 13,167,427 times
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Thank you for the replies but I was looking for something more immediate and specific as she is in the hospital herself and unable to go to a group and it is unlikely that there are many people who have been through what she has.

If there are any parents on here who have lost a child or children in an accident I would like to hear your perspective.
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Old 01-18-2017, 01:15 AM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,539 posts, read 3,003,976 times
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This has got to be the hardest thing you & your friend will ever face. I couldn't imagine it except 2 athletic teens were killed here in a car accident last year.

There is really nothing you can say. Iif they allow hugging, hug. Other wise, just be there. And remember, grief takes at least a year so if you can be patient for that year, you are a blessed person.

How do I know? Because I've just passed my son's year & am just starting to act like a human being again.

Be patient with your friend. Grief takes a long time.
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Old 01-18-2017, 03:16 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
14,489 posts, read 11,474,558 times
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Losing a child or even worse children must be the worst heartache that the world can dish out, its horrendous, and even though we all feel deep sympathy for that person whos grieving we cant understand a fraction of that they might be going through... its hard to be around to be honest, but that person needs people who care, allow her to ask for you to be there, as sometimes grief makes us want to be alone, it can be very tiring and depressing for people who are around someone grieving so badly so give yourself a break too.. you cant live in this persons world too.... be there when she needs you.... I remember my sister in law after he son was killed.. a terrible time.. I hadnt seen her for a couple of months and as she had sisters of her own I left it until she wanted to phone or visit.... When she did it all started ok, talking about things on tv and her work as she had just returned to her job.. but then out of the blue she announced.... "WHY couldnt it have been you or one of my sisters kids, you have four she has three , I only had the one." and they took him away from me... it was heartbreaking and so unlike her, shes such a kind lovely person but it was the way her grief was affecting her at that time.... I didnt know what to say.. and her husband got up and got her jacket to go home, she looked numb and so sad.. and all I said was to call me when she needed to talk..
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Old 01-18-2017, 12:22 PM
 
365 posts, read 706,075 times
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So very sorry for your friend and you.
One thing I can offer to you as advise....my mom was killed in a plane crash, at the time I had several friends....after her death it dwindled to two. I am a different person than I was before she died....your friend will never be the same person she was, don't expect her to be. Listening is the best thing you can do and down the road, holidays, bdays and such, do not be afraid to remember her children with her.
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Old 01-18-2017, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Central Florida
3,048 posts, read 1,568,863 times
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This may not help but my mother lost two children at different times. She was inconsolable after the first one and needed time to do her own grieving. She was not herself for weeks and would not talk about it at all. All I can say is no words can help her. She will probably appreciate you being there for her but I would not expect her to show much emotion other than deep sorrow and many tears of pain. Good luck with your friend.
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