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Old 01-27-2017, 03:45 PM
11,437 posts, read 19,459,889 times
Reputation: 18141


When my mom died, I had a real need to know where Mom's things ended up. I didn't want to have them, but I had to know where they were. I was a little nutty about it. As I worked my way through the grieving process, I realized they were things, and no longer a visceral tie to Mom.

Luckily my family loves me and coped with the upset calls about who has Mom's button box! And I no longer care who has it, and can't remember anymore....
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Old 01-27-2017, 05:39 PM
2,412 posts, read 1,181,526 times
Reputation: 5719
My heart goes out to you. You have had some very tough losses it seems, in a short time period. Been there, done that.

Take your time. You are grieving. Every person grieves differently so even though you have some good advice here take it at your own pace and don't get rid of anything till you really feel comfortable doing so and know you have found a good home for it - whether that is Goodwill, the garbage, or your daughter's friends. Keep or at least take pictures of anything you find that triggers memories for you .. preferably good ones, of course. Think about your daughter and what might make her happiest with each item of any significance that you pick up to try to decide where it should go.

Look after yourself. Be gentle with yourself. And I am so very sorry about your losses.
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Old 01-27-2017, 06:29 PM
10,415 posts, read 7,495,645 times
Reputation: 18366
I'm with CSD on this. If you're not sure what to do, do nothing. You've had more to deal with than anyone should ever have to deal with. I'm just so sorry for what you've been through. I have a firm belief that I will one day be reunited with my loved ones. (at least some of them)
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Old 01-27-2017, 06:51 PM
Location: Native Floridian, USA
4,896 posts, read 5,870,896 times
Reputation: 6050
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
My sympathies for your tremendous loss.
Personally, I suggest you do nothing at the moment, give yourself time to grieve properly, then when you are ready make the decision regarding her things.
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I am so sorry for your losses.


My MIL & her sister disposed of an entire two story house with a finished attic & a finished basement within a few weeks after their last parent died. Even decades later, she regretted the speed that they got rid of things. She said that if she had waiting a little longer she would have been "thinking more clearly". As an example, while she saved a very few things for her young children, she gave away or threw away many valuable family keepsakes and antiques because she could not "picture" her 5, 10 & 15 year old as adults who would love and cherish those things. She also donated or gave away things that her cousins or other relatives would have greatly appreciated.

This was my MIL when she and my FIL sold out and moved South when they retired. She got rid of soooo much that she regretted later.

Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I think you have gotten some good advice. It is a balancing act. On the one hand, you do not have to feel pressured for time because we all make timelines that work for us, and that is individual. On the other hand, if you wait a long time, you run the risk of turning ordinary things into symbols - of making her room a memorial that can't be changed, and that seems like a danger to me.

....snipped.... You will find your own way forward.

I am so sorry for your losses. To say this is hard is severely understating it. My thoughts are with you.
The final line says it all.

For the longest time, I could not let my Mother go, a lot of her things. It has been a process but, I am getting better.

Good luck, OP.
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Old 01-28-2017, 12:25 AM
Location: Las Vegas
731 posts, read 522,584 times
Reputation: 1478
Grief is a process but stages are not consecutive. So different for everyone. Be patient with yourself and don't stopwatch yourself. It can, and usually is, life long. Cope any way you want without ores sure from others. No one knows you, or your relationship with your wife, better than you. Sympathies and hugs!
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Old 01-28-2017, 12:40 AM
4 posts, read 2,419 times
Reputation: 15
Greatly appreciate all the support and nice thoughts. It's all so devastating that I don't know what to do or when to do it. My wife dying from cancer was horrible enough, also losing my daughter has been so devastating, there are no words. When she got her motorcycle I told her she needs to be very careful. From what I know she tried to run a red light, unfortunately it didn't work out and she paid the price. Even though she was an adult, I sometimes feel that I really should have voiced my concerns more.

I also know the woman that ended up hitting her was devastated by it as well, and feel horrible for her as well.

As for her stuff, I have been thinking I will at least go through her drawers and closet, bagging up her dresses, skirts and shoes etc. away. Obviously things like her underwear, little things will be thrown out.
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Old 01-28-2017, 07:26 AM
Location: coastlines
372 posts, read 386,633 times
Reputation: 974
You're right.

It isn't fair.

There will come a time

when the deepest part of you

will be ready.

Until then


There is


beyond thought.

Let that

guide you.

I am deeply sorry
for your loss.

Be tender
with yourself.
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Old 01-28-2017, 08:05 AM
Location: Mt Shasta , Ca.
1,809 posts, read 1,246,569 times
Reputation: 3805
Well there are no words I can think of to convey how truly sorry I am . Life IS unfair and some other words I can think of but cannot use here .

Take your time like some others here have said . Wait . Wait as long as you want . There is no time limit here at all . Period .
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Old 01-28-2017, 08:24 AM
Location: SW Florida
9,126 posts, read 3,940,319 times
Reputation: 18829
I agree with what was said here about finding new homes for your daughter's things when YOU are ready.
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Old 01-28-2017, 12:18 PM
3,273 posts, read 1,951,012 times
Reputation: 6302
I am so very sorry for your two devastating losses. I agree with others who have said that if you can't deal with the school papers, etc., put them aside for now. Starting with things like her clothing is a good idea, and if possible, if someone else could help you with that, it would help you get through it. When my Dad died, my Mom just closed the door to their bedroom and could not bear to do anything with any of his stuff. Finally, my brother just went into the bedroom and bagged all my father's clothing and took it to Goodwill. My mother did not object to this and actually seemed relieved.
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