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Old 01-27-2017, 05:12 AM
 
4 posts, read 2,416 times
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In the parenting forum I made a topic regarding my deceased 19 year old daughter, you can find it here:

Do you keep things from when your kids were in school?

It was regarding an aspect I was dealing with but now I have one more appropriate for this forum.

Everything she has is in her room in my home. She has quite a bit of stuff, I haven't messed with any of it yet. Everything from clothes, to books to her computer etc. is still there. She did have a boyfriend she was very close to and even I liked him quite a bit and at the funeral was very distressed. I was thinking perhaps he could make use of some of the things like her computer and just go through and see if there was anything of hers he may want, I already have gotten what I want/needed.

Apart from that, I am just dealing with this, first my wife, then my daughter at just 19. It isn't fair.

Thanks for any thoughts and comments!
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Old 01-27-2017, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,581 posts, read 4,787,196 times
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I know many will disagree but I always thought the longer you wait the harder it is. For many it keeps them occupied to go through and get rid of their things. You may also have many fond memories, along with the sad ones, as you do it. One thing to remember is if there is any doubt about an item you should keep it. In time you may get rid of it but you don't want to second guess after something is gone.

Clothes is what I got rid of first, within a week. Think of it as her gift to the people that need them. I mean homeless and poor, not anyone you know since you won't to see anyone else wear them.
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Old 01-27-2017, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
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Sorry for your loss. What I did when my wife passed was dispose of her underwear and donate all the rest of her clothes to Goodwill. I gave her jewelry to her sister and her daughter (my niece) to do with as they wanted. If your daughter had girl friends, let them split the jewelry. Maybe even give them first pick on all of your daughter's things.
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Old 01-27-2017, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,335,478 times
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Sorry for your double loss. You've already gone through the drill with your wife's belongings, so I will be more candid than with someone suffering their first loss. As to life being fair, "what is is." Fair or not, it is the hand dealt. How we play it is our decision. Your daughter's life on the planet is concluded. What remains here lives in your memories and the memories of others.

If there are mementos and photos that can be put in an album or scrapbook, make that a component of your cleaning out process. The mantra - even for people who are alive and have an attachment to "things" - is to thank it for having been there, bless it, and let it go.

I am taking a break to write this from sorting through dozens of boxes of my late wife's papers and notebooks. At some point along the way of sorting my primary feelings of grief and loss have changed into a joy that she was able to live the life that she did, and the happiness that she was able to have and create. We all die, and focusing on the death or death process of a loved one is natural near the time of the event. Focusing on the joy of their experience of life can be more freeing, and truer to the departed.
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Old 01-27-2017, 11:21 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,830,509 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hajhoit View Post
In the parenting forum I made a topic regarding my deceased 19 year old daughter, you can find it here:

Do you keep things from when your kids were in school?

It was regarding an aspect I was dealing with but now I have one more appropriate for this forum.

Everything she has is in her room in my home. She has quite a bit of stuff, I haven't messed with any of it yet. Everything from clothes, to books to her computer etc. is still there. She did have a boyfriend she was very close to and even I liked him quite a bit and at the funeral was very distressed. I was thinking perhaps he could make use of some of the things like her computer and just go through and see if there was anything of hers he may want, I already have gotten what I want/needed.

Apart from that, I am just dealing with this, first my wife, then my daughter at just 19. It isn't fair.

Thanks for any thoughts and comments!
My sympathies for your tremendous loss.
Personally, I suggest you do nothing at the moment, give yourself time to grieve properly, then when you are ready make the decision regarding her things.
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Old 01-27-2017, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,490 posts, read 15,932,856 times
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I am so sorry for your losses.

Everyone handles it differently. My father waited a full year before he touched or got rid of anything belonging to his late wife. And then his adult children handled most of it.

My MIL & her sister disposed of an entire two story house with a finished attic & a finished basement within a few weeks after their last parent died. Even decades later, she regretted the speed that they got rid of things. She said that if she had waiting a little longer she would have been "thinking more clearly". As an example, while she saved a very few things for her young children, she gave away or threw away many valuable family keepsakes and antiques because she could not "picture" her 5, 10 & 15 year old as adults who would love and cherish those things. She also donated or gave away things that her cousins or other relatives would have greatly appreciated.

When my daughter's best friend in HS died, his parents allowed his close friends to select things that they wanted. The stuffed dog that my daughter gave him as a birthday gift and the cards that they played games with are still cherished mementoes well over a decade later.

Last edited by germaine2626; 01-27-2017 at 12:21 PM..
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Old 01-27-2017, 12:31 PM
 
148 posts, read 113,306 times
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My condolences. Please find a teen homeless shelter like Covenant house and donate her things their. Don't rush the process - take your time and get rid of things bit by bit if you must. If she has siblings split her things with them.
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Old 01-27-2017, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Central IL
13,379 posts, read 7,135,232 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hajhoit View Post
In the parenting forum I made a topic regarding my deceased 19 year old daughter, you can find it here:

Do you keep things from when your kids were in school?

It was regarding an aspect I was dealing with but now I have one more appropriate for this forum.

Everything she has is in her room in my home. She has quite a bit of stuff, I haven't messed with any of it yet. Everything from clothes, to books to her computer etc. is still there. She did have a boyfriend she was very close to and even I liked him quite a bit and at the funeral was very distressed. I was thinking perhaps he could make use of some of the things like her computer and just go through and see if there was anything of hers he may want, I already have gotten what I want/needed.

Apart from that, I am just dealing with this, first my wife, then my daughter at just 19. It isn't fair.

Thanks for any thoughts and comments!
So sorry about your daughter!

The boyfriend maybe could use the laptop but definitely clear out the hard drive before giving it to him - she may have very personal things on it.

I agree that Goodwill or something similar may be the least painful for you, especially if you can find a friend to do most of the packing/bagging up for you. That will be easier than having individuals (her girlfriends, etc.) coming over - if you've gone through things already then best to finish up quickly.
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Old 01-27-2017, 03:13 PM
 
1,346 posts, read 1,004,636 times
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Very sorry for your loss, my daughter passed away 4 years ago and it's devastating. My husband and I were just overwhelmed and didn't know where to start with her belongings. We would start to go through things and then the grief would overwhelm us and we would stop. Finally a friend basically showed up one day and made us start to sort things out. We kept a few things, gave something meaningful to each of her siblings and a couple of close friends but the vast majority we donated to a woman's shelter. When we were done it was such a relief that the stuff was gone. It gave me some comfort that people who had nothing would be able to use and enjoy her things. Nothing will ever make the pain go away but it's a start back to a NEW normal.
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Old 01-27-2017, 03:37 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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I think you have gotten some good advice. It is a balancing act. On the one hand, you do not have to feel pressured for time because we all make timelines that work for us, and that is individual. On the other hand, if you wait a long time, you run the risk of turning ordinary things into symbols - of making her room a memorial that can't be changed, and that seems like a danger to me. I think it is fine and important, actually, to keep some things as remembrances. But most things should either be thrown out (worn out things, underwear, etc.) or go to people who could use them. And eventually, I would change the room in ways that retain a a memory of your daughter, but not a museum. It took me several months, but after my husband died, I painted walls and bathroom cabinets, changed the bed out, changed furniture, put a new shower in the master bath, made a little sitting area, etc., so that it didn't feel like the old room, with him missing. It felt new. I kept a few of his favorite pictures up, kept a drawer with mementos, but mostly changed it to be my room rather than ours. That's me. You will find your own way forward.

I am so sorry for your losses. To say this is hard is severely understating it. My thoughts are with you.
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