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Old 01-29-2017, 06:59 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
7,961 posts, read 6,710,786 times
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Stevie

As it has been only 3 months, do not make any major decisions (relocation, steady lady friend, etc.) for at least another year.

Time does heal.
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Old 01-29-2017, 07:37 PM
 
Location: The house I built
308 posts, read 132,335 times
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The thing about the grief process is we have some choices as to how we get thru it. But we don't have any choice as to do or not to do it. It is our lot in life and we can't change that.

I do not ever see myself getting married again. There is no way I could risk what we worked for and saved together. I promised her it would go to the kids. So an iron prenup is a requirement and then that sort of takes the wind out of things. A prenup says you don't trust, well, trust is earned over many years. I have noticed though that older women with lots of assets feel the same way.

In some states just living with someone can get you in financial trouble. I don't know the right or wrong of the laws. I just know it makes relationships at this age somewhat difficult. It might be the biggest reason so many in their later years never remarry.
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Old 01-29-2017, 07:57 PM
 
Location: The house I built
308 posts, read 132,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
Stevie

As it has been only 3 months, do not make any major decisions (relocation, steady lady friend, etc.) for at least another year.

Time does heal.
I did redo some of the financial stuff. Small things like paying off loans and reducing the phone and TV bills. That was easy stuff. I don't watch a lot of tv so no need to have everything. I had to do a bunch of paperwork with the pensions and bank stuff. That part just stinks.

No, I have no plans to relocate or move or anything like that. I do want a friend. I want female companionship again. But that is sort of a minefield isn't it. I already have female friends but only chat most of the time. None are a physical relationships and that won't change.

I did have one woman start putting stuff on my page and sending me recipes and stuff within two weeks of my wife's passing. I got really stressed about it. I told my oldest daughter and I think she put an end to it because it stopped right then. Amazing that people are clueless about boundaries.

I will look again. But right now I cannot go a single day without emotional episodes. Do you want to have dinner with someone who starts crying because you order the same dressing on your salad that she used to order? Its silly but that is where I am today.

I am wanting to go on a couple trips this year. I will spend several days exploring the Columbia river gorge staying in multiple hotels. I will drive up the Oregon side to Tri Cities and back down the Washington side.
There are plenty of nice places to stay.

And I may fly to Colorado and take one of the narrow gauge railroad tourist packages. I like trains and that has been a goal for some time.

The deal is, I don't want to go alone. That might be harder than just not going at all.
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Old 01-29-2017, 08:25 PM
 
7,622 posts, read 8,965,962 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevie60 View Post
Its silly but that is where I am today.

.
I am so sorry for your loss. And I think "where you are today" is perfectly normal. And while group or individual therapy is not for you (that's fine), accept peace and help wherever you find it. Hopefully the CD world can provide comfort. Let your feelings come naturally and you will begin to heal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stevie60 View Post

I am wanting to go on a couple trips this year. ........

The deal is, I don't want to go alone. That might be harder than just not going at all.
Do you feel you have to go with a romantic partner? Could you not take a child or friend? I understand not wanting to go alone; but traveling with a non-romantic loved one might be the best solution right now.
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Old 01-29-2017, 09:47 PM
 
Location: The house I built
308 posts, read 132,335 times
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No, I don't feel it has to be a romantic thing. My purpose for the trip is lots of photo's of the scenery and collecting soil and rock samples. That might not be considered romantic by some. And the trains run all day and night so there would be constant interruptions of rumble and maybe shaking depending how close the hotels are to the tracks. A much better romantic location would be Ocean Shores or Longbeach.

But I would like adult company. A child on this trip would be very bored. We will see, I can go anytime between about may and september.
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Old 01-29-2017, 10:27 PM
 
3,963 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevie60 View Post
I will look again. But right now I cannot go a single day without emotional episodes. Do you want to have dinner with someone who starts crying because you order the same dressing on your salad that she used to order? Its silly but that is where I am today.

I am wanting to go on a couple trips this year. I will spend several days exploring the Columbia river gorge staying in multiple hotels. I will drive up the Oregon side to Tri Cities and back down the Washington side.
There are plenty of nice places to stay.

And I may fly to Colorado and take one of the narrow gauge railroad tourist packages. I like trains and that has been a goal for some time.

The deal is, I don't want to go alone. That might be harder than just not going at all.
I made a friend at my grief support group (through my local hospice) who had also just lost her husband. One of the really nice things about the relationship was that either of us could have a crying "episode" as you describe above, and the other would understand it completely. There was complete freedom to feel and we were feeling at the time.

I traveled quite a bit in the year after my loss. I traveled overseas with my two sisters, took a couple of trips to stay with friends. When newly traveling by yourself, it is easier to go someplace where you have friends than to just go on a vacation by yourself. I haven't gotten the nerve to do that yet. There are organizations that cater to singles traveling, but they wouldn't do the kind of trip you are talking about. The Columbia River Gorge is certainly a place of beauty. I wonder if there are any meet-ups or organizations where you live where you might meet someone interested in doing a similar trip. I would think that for the trip to Colorado it would be easier to find an organization with people also taking such a package.
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Old 01-29-2017, 11:13 PM
 
Location: The house I built
308 posts, read 132,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I made a friend at my grief support group (through my local hospice) who had also just lost her husband. One of the really nice things about the relationship was that either of us could have a crying "episode" as you describe above, and the other would understand it completely. There was complete freedom to feel and we were feeling at the time.

I traveled quite a bit in the year after my loss. I traveled overseas with my two sisters, took a couple of trips to stay with friends. When newly traveling by yourself, it is easier to go someplace where you have friends than to just go on a vacation by yourself. I haven't gotten the nerve to do that yet. There are organizations that cater to singles traveling, but they wouldn't do the kind of trip you are talking about. The Columbia River Gorge is certainly a place of beauty. I wonder if there are any meet-ups or organizations where you live where you might meet someone interested in doing a similar trip. I would think that for the trip to Colorado it would be easier to find an organization with people also taking such a package.
I have looked at package deals for the Colorado trip. Sort of hard to navigate this stuff since I usually went to the ocean. I have spent the last few hours just searching and bookmarking stuff in the Gorge.
I want to drive from seattle to just outside of portland the first day and get dinner and a room. Breakfast the next morning and drive to the dalles /hood river area. Stopping along the way, to see the viewpoints and historic sites. Spend a night or two in the Dallas and then continue to tri cities. Spend a night in tri cities and back down on the washington side and spend a night somewhere there before returning home to seattle. I could easily skip the tri cities altogether but who knows at this point.

I still need to do a lot of research as to what is going on in different cities and towns. Lots of fairs and happenings. I like the museum and historic center stuff. Always interesting to learn about the Lewis and Clark exp and the local tribes.
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Old 01-30-2017, 01:30 AM
 
3,963 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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Mount Hood and Timberline Lodge are also really neat. So much history at the lodge. It is a bit off of the main gorge, though. There used to be one of the dams along the river that had a tour. We did this once, but sometimes it is closed for security. Something to check. Our son went to school at Whitman College, so for 4 years we got to drive the gorge at least two times a year. We almost regretted it when he graduated, we loved that drive so much.
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Old 01-30-2017, 01:33 AM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,101 posts, read 2,915,584 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
Stevie

As it has been only 3 months, do not make any major decisions (relocation, steady lady friend, etc.) for at least another year.

Time does heal.
So sorry for your loss. Johngolf offered great advice. Be very careful with big decisions. This will take a while... It was a year and a half before I forced myself to start living again. Eventually you need to say "yes" instead of "no" in social situations. Get out and learn how to make friends on your own. Then you will reclaim or reinvent your life...sort out what you want it to be. Looking back over ten years since my wife died, this was the most difficult thing I had to go through. I miss her a great deal...life is different but I've found contentment...it just takes a while.


I've always been a writer and I kept a hand written journal...five or six small volumes, I think, not for anyone to read (and I haven't either) but if gave me a private place to vent at the time and it helped. When I couldn't write anymore or ran out of things to vent about I knew I was almost coming out of my grief. There's a thought process and a physical element of writing your thoughts out by hand on paper that is helpful.
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Old 01-30-2017, 08:19 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,103 posts, read 3,923,269 times
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Stevie - it does get better. My husband died after a 3 year battle with lung cancer in August of 2010. I was numb and the first holiday without him was awful. Since your precious wife died 3 months ago I guess you have already been through that.


I had to call the Veteran's Administration, Social Security, etc. and I could never get through any of these phone calls without breaking down and crying. For me it was around the 3 year mark that the pain lessened and I was able to get through the day without the constant sadness.


Please remember that your pain will lessen at your own pace. You are not alone here. We understand completely.
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