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Old 02-04-2017, 06:31 PM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,841,009 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevie60 View Post
Getting hit in 5 months does not sound encouraging. I am only at month 3 and feel like I am getting a regular emotional beating.
Every life experience is different for each person. You may be going through a specific phase sooner than the average person. Just as I have spent the majority of my days feeling as though he is away and that I just miss him terribly (as though he is going to come back). I still have a hard time thinking it wasn't a nightmare.

I am wishing you peace.

{Hugs.}
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Old 02-04-2017, 08:01 PM
 
Location: The house I built
309 posts, read 133,051 times
Reputation: 741
Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
Every life experience is different for each person. You may be going through a specific phase sooner than the average person. Just as I have spent the majority of my days feeling as though he is away and that I just miss him terribly (as though he is going to come back). I still have a hard time thinking it wasn't a nightmare.

I am wishing you peace.

{Hugs.}
I don't know what phase I am in. I don't know if I should go out and try to meet someone, or stay home and cry or try to stay busy with hobbies. Right now I have glue and paint on me and trying to be creative but this hole in my heart and whatever else is nagging me to go out. As long as I stay covered in glue and paint I think I might be okay for now. I should start a new thread but I am sure it would just be another place where men get hammered because they are men. Even in the deepest throws of grief, we still have needs. And a lot of women have never understood it and never will. They just use it to ridicule us and our choices and the seemingly incredibly stupid things we do.

And it just adds to the frustration and despair because I can do absolutely nothing about it.
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Old 02-05-2017, 12:47 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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I would not even think about the phases of grief. The ones often quoted ( 1. Denial. 2. Anger. 3. Bargaining. 4. Depression. 5. Acceptance) are not experienced by everyone and in my experience, are all mixed up and not in that order. You can feel depressed one minute, and angry the next. You can skip any of them altogether. So my advice is to ignore this. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timeline. There is no wrong way. Grieving can go wrong, such that the person is unable to function or move on, and psychological treatment can be appropriate. But I'm not a psychologist, so I wouldn't be able to speak to that at all. You will know when it is time to try to meet someone. Again, I can't advise, since I am a woman, and I imagine men are different (not to mention that all people are different) but I have talked to several people who mentioned that they tried to start dating too early, and it didn't work. So I would just rely on your own sense of being ready, and not pay any attention to what others say about "getting back out there."
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Old 02-05-2017, 06:49 AM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,841,009 times
Reputation: 4655
Quote:
Originally Posted by stevie60 View Post
I don't know what phase I am in. I don't know if I should go out and try to meet someone, or stay home and cry or try to stay busy with hobbies. Right now I have glue and paint on me and trying to be creative but this hole in my heart and whatever else is nagging me to go out. As long as I stay covered in glue and paint I think I might be okay for now. I should start a new thread but I am sure it would just be another place where men get hammered because they are men. Even in the deepest throws of grief, we still have needs. And a lot of women have never understood it and never will. They just use it to ridicule us and our choices and the seemingly incredibly stupid things we do.

And it just adds to the frustration and despair because I can do absolutely nothing about it.
I certainly understand. I occupy my time (when I'm not at work) with projects and cleaning. Yesterday was a step back, because I did almost nothing. I have thought of having someone in my life, too, but for me, I think I would just be filling a space at this point. That might change in the future.
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Old 02-08-2017, 02:14 AM
 
Location: The house I built
309 posts, read 133,051 times
Reputation: 741
The best way to get over a break up is finding someone else. When its a long term marriage and life together, it seems maybe that is not the best plan. I don't know how many times I have read about people who remarried too quickly and were unhappy. I have zero intentions of ever getting married again. I will not give her life's savings to another woman. I promised it would go to the kids.

What I will consider is a long term monogamous relationship with the right person. Trips together and all that but likely there will be no cohabitation. Even that can allow someone to get their hands on your assets or tie you up in court. There are a lot of people running around with no scruples.

And that is what makes this so much harder. It doesn't matter if you are man or woman, you have to not fall for people with less than genuine intentions and the only way to never become a statistic is to not marry and not live with someone. Unless you have nothing. Then don't worry about it.

I will eventually date again. But I will be upfront, no marriage and no cohabitation. Then she can walk away before we even get started. And that is fine because I think there are plenty of women who think exactly as I do.
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Old 02-08-2017, 02:10 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
Reputation: 4554
I agree with you, Stevie. I think I am coming to the same conclusion. I would be happy to have a male friend to go to movies, concerts and stage performances with, for dinners out, perhaps some trips, etc., but I don't want to re-marry or cohabit. When I met my husband, I was 19 and he was 22. There was no question of taking advantage of each other because we both had nothing but an education and potential. At this point, our savings, my house, etc, all go to our son, and that's the way I want to keep it. I don't want all my husband's hard work to go to another guy he never met. My husband and I had a conversation about this perhaps a year before his death. He acknowledged and welcomed the possibility that I should find a new companion, but he warned me to be very, very careful of men who have ulterior motives and said, with a wry little smile, "you know, you don't have to get married to enjoy someone's company." I think what he wanted most was to make sure I didn't lose the assets that will make my old age livable. We never know what is coming in life (I certainly didn't see his illness and death coming,) but I just can't see myself being that committed to anyone again.
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Old 02-08-2017, 06:52 PM
 
Location: Carbondale, Illinois
24 posts, read 16,212 times
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Default I feel exactly the same

I definitely identify with you. I would be extremely reluctant to consider a romance in the future, too many who I would always think would try to take advantage of me. I cannot see myself caring for someone as I did my husband and spending so many years with him. When you grow together after so many years, it would be too difficult for someone new to come into my life, but I learned to never say never, just not likely. It is also difficult alone, but better alone than regrets. I have developed some girlfriends, which are fun to go out with, I hope this continues as a good substitute, rather than replace.
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Old 02-08-2017, 11:51 PM
 
Location: The house I built
309 posts, read 133,051 times
Reputation: 741
I have a widow friend who lost her husband about a month before I lost my wife. She has her family and girlfriends and that is her plan for now. It works for her. No reason to change that. i think her girlfriends keep her very busy. That is what good friends do for each other. And she gets to babysit the little ones.

I regularly read the personal ads. In my age group there are a lot of women who only say they are looking for casual dating. Maybe that is the new normal for us. We all live in sin and don't worry about it
I hope I never get the conversation about "where is this going" because by just asking that question I know that she won't like the answer. For younger people, I think it is a reasonable question. At this age, we need to just enjoy each day for what it is and leave it at that.
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