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Old 02-02-2017, 12:48 PM
 
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Anyone else feel like they kind of stopped living when they lost their main love object in life? I do believe loving and being loved is an essential part of the human experience on earth; life loses meaning unless we have someone with whom to share it and someone -- or something -- to give it a sense of purpose. The absence of that is, I think, especially noticeable after having been a caregiver for the dear departed. And, although I'm not one who needs another in my life or needs to be needed (I'm very independent and self-sufficient; even a loner), it does feel like I'm not fully living but just existing day to day without love in it.

Can anyone relate?
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Old 02-02-2017, 01:40 PM
 
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I do okay on my own, but is rather share my life with someone. It isn't that I have to have another person in my life, he would add more dimension.

I would hope he had a sense of humor cuz I get tired of laughing at myself.
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Old 02-02-2017, 02:04 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
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I'm sorry your going through this! I can't imagine how it would feel within the context of a significant other but I am familiar with the "sense of purpose issue".

I feel like I had a sort of cognitive dissonance going on after my daughter died. It's strange how an average daily activity can mess with your head when you are so used to everything being mostly about someone else. For me it was the grocery store.

That moment, standing in the aisle with stuff you only used to buy for them ... Realizing that you are standing there out of habit. You don't need to take that home anymore.

So now; you only have to get want YOU want ... And you've forgotten what that was ...

I remember literally turning on my heels & leaving my cart in the aisle. Nothing seemed meaningful anymore. Ugh. I wish I had some profound words of wisdom that would help. For me it just took time. And alot of time too.
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Old 02-02-2017, 02:05 PM
 
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Well, it's been three years for me. It's not so much a grief thing as a "is a love object essential to life" thing. I just haven't replaced mine. Must I to have a meaningful (to me) life?
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Old 02-02-2017, 02:10 PM
 
Location: The house I built
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I think we all feel like we are just existing sometimes. We get numb and wonder why bother? Do we even have a purpose or reason to continue this existence?

I have both the positive and negative emotions. The battles are not as bad as before. I promised her I would try and I would be there when our children needed anything.

" I do believe loving and being loved is an essential part of the human experience on earth". Actually it is the absolute best part. Any experience or I have ever had, pales in comparison to being loved by my wife. Humans will go to great lengths just for a chance at love. The real love, the love that is unconditional.

Having experienced that, we are very unsure about what to do with ourselves after our loss. The loneliness can drive us to seek companionship but is that what we really need? It is a personal decision to remain alone or to find another to fill some of the void. No set time frame, no requirement to even do anything or to even decide.

In my case, I know I will eventually look again. I do so much better with a companion/partner. But that is only what is right for me. At the moment, I am not ready. But in the meantime I work on me. I write, I have hobbies, and I am working on my own health.

Many of us here were also caregivers and so we have similar experiences. We were in a heartbreaking devastating experience, and it ended abruptly and we entered another heartbreaking, devastating experience.
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Old 02-02-2017, 02:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
Anyone else feel like they kind of stopped living when they lost their main love object in life? I do believe loving and being loved is an essential part of the human experience on earth; life loses meaning unless we have someone with whom to share it and someone -- or something -- to give it a sense of purpose. The absence of that is, I think, especially noticeable after having been a caregiver for the dear departed. And, although I'm not one who needs another in my life or needs to be needed (I'm very independent and self-sufficient; even a loner), it does feel like I'm not fully living but just existing day to day without love in it.

Can anyone relate?
I can definitely relate. I think it is essential to love and be loved, but it does not have to be a spousal/romantic kind of love. This void can be filled by loving friends and other family, and by in some way loving people you don't even know, though service. I think, however, that whether this is true or not depends on the person, their age, and many other factors. As my "new" life has developed, I can actually see myself not having a "love interest" in my life. The more I volunteer, spend times with friends, develop and create connections that are meaningful, the more I see that my life can be complete just as me. And I HAVE had the experience (for decades) of devoted, intimate, true love. I was a caregiver, too. And I recognized that void, having "lost my job." But that aspect was not nearly so devastating as having lost my loved one. My point is that there are many, many ways to find love and fulfillment. And they may change over time. Although I am edging nearer to feeling complete on my own, who knows what will happen in the future? As it is a part of grieving, I think sometimes it may take a long time to feel that you are "fully living," but that doesn't mean you won't find that feeling again.
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Old 02-02-2017, 02:46 PM
 
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But can the more casual, shallow, general love for friends and family take the place of a "love object" as meant by Freud? Again, it needn't be romantic or sexual at all -- it could be your spouse or a sibling or a parent or a child; I suppose even a pet -- but that one other living being you love more than anyone else and who, for better or worse, becomes the center of your universe. You can "love mankind," but it's not the same thing.
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Old 02-02-2017, 03:41 PM
 
Location: Lockport, IL
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I can relate. My husband's family moved in four doors down the street from mine when I was 12 and he was 13. We were childhood sweethearts, married when we were 21 & 22, had two daughters and then he died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack a little over four years ago. He was my "person". Even though I am a loner as well, A HUGE part of me died with him. I, too, feel like I'm just going through the motions. It sux.
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Old 02-02-2017, 04:13 PM
 
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It's like we have love to give, and it has to go somewhere, but the place where it went isn't there to receive it anymore. So it...dies?
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Old 02-02-2017, 07:01 PM
 
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No, love doesn't die. Real love lasts forever. But if the person is no longer here, the relationship part of love is gone. Everyone has their own needs, and there is no one answer. If I were 35 right now, I think I would be contemplating finding a new love. But I am 65, and it doesn't feel to me like I need someone else. If it happens, fine, but I think I can live a satisfying life without it. I have to say that my mom, who was widowed three times, spent the last 20 years of her life very much regretting not having a husband, frequently telling us how incomplete she felt. I don't think I will feel like her. So far, I am working on developing the things that I think will make my life an expression of love and bring me pleasure. And I still love my husband and feel no need to try to replace him. So again, we are all different.
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