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Old 02-05-2017, 03:14 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,240 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60110

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Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
I think the answer is that people bring it to both places, maybe a regional thing. Many funeral homes have a "family room" where one can get away for a few minutes, get a drink or whatever. It's definitely not like one is eating where the visitation is happening. At the last 2 family funerals I've attended some close friends organized bringing sandwiches, drinks, and snacks to the funeral home so that the family could take a break. As I member of those families I certainly appreciated it. People also brought food to the family's home. In this case I think I would take the food to the family's home. I think the difference is the relationship.
The only time I ever saw food at a funeral home is the Seinfeld episode when George is trying to get a bereavement airfare for his girlfriend's aunt's funeral and at the funeral home he gets accused of double-dipping his chip.
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Old 02-05-2017, 04:46 PM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,840,262 times
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It has been my experience that the very closest people to the "main sufferer" would bring any food just prior to the visitation. And it isn't a four-course meal. It just something to get in one's stomach.

If I had lost a child (for example), I would not want to leave. When MG passed his sister brought a veggie tray to the separate room. However, I had a short visitation planned for late afternoon early evening, then the funeral the next day., so it wasn't as though anyone would be there endless hours. Some folks truly do forget to eat. Some just can't.
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Old 02-05-2017, 07:40 PM
 
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I appreciated all of your thoughts.

We decided not to bring anything, and to mail our card/check separately.

There wasn't any food, or separate room for coffee.

Just a long line of people, waiting to meet with my friend and her (soon to be...) ex-husband.

What surprised me was that her son was there, in an open casket, right next to his parents.

Isn't that called a wake, when the deceased is there for a viewing? I thought a visitation was just to visit with the living family.... but what do I know (obviously)?

I didn't walk over to see her son more closely. Was that wrong? I really do not like this part of the ritual at all.
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Old 02-05-2017, 11:00 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,954 posts, read 32,676,353 times
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I don't know - maybe it's regional, but around here and throughout the south visitation includes the casket, which is sometimes open. It's held at a funeral home usually and there are two rooms - a smaller room with the deceased in there, usually in an open casket, and then a larger gathering room. In that larger room or at a far end of the room with the casket, there is often a table with items or photos or hobbies of the deceased. Sometimes there is a video playing on several flat screen TVs, often set to music that the deceased liked. (My dad's playlist had everything from Ray Charles to the Rolling Stones!)

The last few visitations I've been to have been along these lines. People go into the smaller room to view the deceased or stand by the casket and say goodbye and then congregate in the larger room.
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Old 02-06-2017, 09:10 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,240 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60110
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I don't know - maybe it's regional, but around here and throughout the south visitation includes the casket, which is sometimes open. It's held at a funeral home usually and there are two rooms - a smaller room with the deceased in there, usually in an open casket, and then a larger gathering room. In that larger room or at a far end of the room with the casket, there is often a table with items or photos or hobbies of the deceased. Sometimes there is a video playing on several flat screen TVs, often set to music that the deceased liked. (My dad's playlist had everything from Ray Charles to the Rolling Stones!)

The last few visitations I've been to have been along these lines. People go into the smaller room to view the deceased or stand by the casket and say goodbye and then congregate in the larger room.
Ours are the same, except it's all usually one big room.

My brother asked that his casket NOT be left open. He didn't want people gawking at his dead body. We put a nice photo of him on top of the closed casket.
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Old 02-06-2017, 09:13 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,240 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60110
Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
I appreciated all of your thoughts.

We decided not to bring anything, and to mail our card/check separately.

There wasn't any food, or separate room for coffee.

Just a long line of people, waiting to meet with my friend and her (soon to be...) ex-husband.

What surprised me was that her son was there, in an open casket, right next to his parents.

Isn't that called a wake, when the deceased is there for a viewing? I thought a visitation was just to visit with the living family.... but what do I know (obviously)?

I didn't walk over to see her son more closely. Was that wrong? I really do not like this part of the ritual at all.
It's not wrong. You are not alone. Many people are uncomfortable looking at a dead person.

I saw my first dead person in a casket when I was around 10. I was totally fascinated. The only time it bothered me was when the six-year-old son of a friend died. That haunted me for days, that little boy lying there in the casket surrounded by his favorite toys.
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Old 02-08-2017, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,578 posts, read 4,785,001 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I don't know - maybe it's regional, but around here and throughout the south visitation includes the casket, which is sometimes open. It's held at a funeral home usually and there are two rooms - a smaller room with the deceased in there, usually in an open casket, and then a larger gathering room. In that larger room or at a far end of the room with the casket, there is often a table with items or photos or hobbies of the deceased. Sometimes there is a video playing on several flat screen TVs, often set to music that the deceased liked. (My dad's playlist had everything from Ray Charles to the Rolling Stones!)

The last few visitations I've been to have been along these lines. People go into the smaller room to view the deceased or stand by the casket and say goodbye and then congregate in the larger room.
It was always one big room when I went. No food.
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Old 02-08-2017, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,578 posts, read 4,785,001 times
Reputation: 16491
Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
A family friend has tragically just lost her adult son to substance abuse. Her son was living with her at the time.

Our friend has also had a terrible year that includes a new diagnosis of a serious rare health problem that almost required a transplant, huge financial stresses trying to pay for her son's rehab costs, working two jobs, mother with dementia that she recently moved into a Memory Care facility and an unstable brother who has moved into Mom's house and locked the doors, and in the midst of this...... her husband filed for divorce last month.

And now her son...... who has suffered from years of mental illness and substance abuse.

We became friends professionally, and became friends on a much more personal level over time.

Tomorrow there will be a visitation at a local funeral home. I have never been to a funeral home visitation.

We will be giving her money, as financial issues are at the forefront here.

Do we bring card/money to the visitation or mail separately?

Do we bring more to the visitation? Food, and if so, what do you recommend? Or is that awkward for her to have to carry a bunch of stuff home from the funeral home?

Thanks for your thoughts.
Surprised you have never been. Most people go to the first one as a child. Oops I forgot that thread where some people don't think children should be allowed to go.
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Old 02-08-2017, 01:57 PM
 
4,316 posts, read 2,151,729 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Ours are the same, except it's all usually one big room.

My brother asked that his casket NOT be left open. He didn't want people gawking at his dead body. We put a nice photo of him on top of the closed casket.
I am glad you respected your brother's wishes.


I recall a prominent businessman had a mistress and his wife and the whole town knew about it.
The wife committed suicide and left a note stating she wanted a closed casket.


The cheating husband over ruled her wishes and had an open casket.
(their son told me )
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Old 02-10-2017, 08:10 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,240 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60110
Quote:
Originally Posted by David A Stone View Post
I am glad you respected your brother's wishes.


I recall a prominent businessman had a mistress and his wife and the whole town knew about it.
The wife committed suicide and left a note stating she wanted a closed casket.


The cheating husband over ruled her wishes and had an open casket.
(their son told me )
My mother had a moment when viewing him before they closed the lid. She said he looked so nice and at peace that she thought maybe they should leave it open...my brother's daughter said NO. Her father didn't want that.

The other thing he asked for was to be buried in his favorite sweatshirt and jeans. He was an electrician and a guy who rarely wore a suit. He saw no reason to wear a suit in death.
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