U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-11-2017, 05:16 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
41,026 posts, read 32,712,180 times
Reputation: 57130

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
My mother had a moment when viewing him before they closed the lid. She said he looked so nice and at peace that she thought maybe they should leave it open...my brother's daughter said NO. Her father didn't want that.

The other thing he asked for was to be buried in his favorite sweatshirt and jeans. He was an electrician and a guy who rarely wore a suit. He saw no reason to wear a suit in death.
I think that's great.

We buried my dad in his favorite Hawaiian shirt and khakis, holding his straw hat he loved to wear. It hurt me to bury him in that shirt because it was his favorite "New Orleans" shirt (he'd bought it there) and some of my favorite pictures of him were him in that shirt, with that hat. But he would have liked that so we went with it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-11-2017, 05:49 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,493 posts, read 15,940,606 times
Reputation: 38845
Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
I believe that's why there is a separate room for coffee and something to give energy to those who may be at the funeral home without getting out.
In my area, the separate room is for close family members who need to be present at the visitation for the entire time period. Sometimes, visitations can be scheduled for multiple hours, say 4 PM or 5 PM to 9 PM, to accommodate a wide variety of schedules (some people may come to the visitation right after work and others may come much later after they eat dinner). Having a private room to "disappear to" for a few minutes can be very useful. Often it is a good place for someone to take young children (such as the grandchildren/great grandchildren of the deceased) to get a bite to eat and move around so that they do not have to sit like statues and be quiet and polite to all of the adult strangers coming to the visitation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2017, 06:21 AM
 
4,316 posts, read 2,154,748 times
Reputation: 7606
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
In my area, the separate room is for close family members who need to be present at the visitation for the entire time period. Sometimes, visitations can be scheduled for multiple hours, say 4 PM or 5 PM to 9 PM, to accommodate a wide variety of schedules (some people may come to the visitation right after work and others may come much later after they eat dinner). Having a private room to "disappear to" for a few minutes can be very useful. Often it is a good place for someone to take young children (such as the grandchildren/great grandchildren of the deceased) to get a bite to eat and move around so that they do not have to sit like statues and be quiet and polite to all of the adult strangers coming to the visitation.
sounds just like the wakes/visitations in Minnesota.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2017, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
41,026 posts, read 32,712,180 times
Reputation: 57130
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
In my area, the separate room is for close family members who need to be present at the visitation for the entire time period. Sometimes, visitations can be scheduled for multiple hours, say 4 PM or 5 PM to 9 PM, to accommodate a wide variety of schedules (some people may come to the visitation right after work and others may come much later after they eat dinner). Having a private room to "disappear to" for a few minutes can be very useful. Often it is a good place for someone to take young children (such as the grandchildren/great grandchildren of the deceased) to get a bite to eat and move around so that they do not have to sit like statues and be quiet and polite to all of the adult strangers coming to the visitation.
Yes, we had access to a room like that. Very nice.

I liked the layout of the funeral homes (two of them) that we used for my inlaws and my dad. There was a room where the body and flowers were - very quiet and beautifully lit, no music piped in, no displays, etc. The casket was at one end and at the other end was a sitting area. People could come in, say their last goodbyes to the deceased, and then sit down at the other end of the room with whatever family was in there (there was nearly always some immediate family in there).

Then there was a big room adjacent to that smaller viewing room. This was like a hearth room, with a big fireplace and lots of seating areas. This is where we put the display of my dad's life - on a big table. Pictures, things from his hobbies, awards, etc. People really congregated around that looking at things. This is also where several big screen TVs were, and they played a looped series of photos from my dad's life. This is also the room where his playlist ran of about 20 of his favorite songs. Considering that his playlist contained the Rolling Stones, songs from O Brother Where Art Thou and some other sort of boisterous music, and considering that some of the photos were humorous, this room tended to be a lot less solemn. It really did feel more like a celebration of his life.

Then there was a small, very private room that family or anyone needing a quiet space could duck into.

Around here, visitation usually lasts about 2 hours. No food involved at visitation.

We "hosted" three funerals for parents within one year, at two different funeral homes and all three funerals/visitations followed this same format pretty much.

The funerals were also pretty interesting, I thought - very personalized. There was humor and some laughter along with the tears. The pastors involved were warm and personable and knew their "subjects" well. Each funeral also had another speaker or two who knew and loved the deceased and told some funny stories.

My dad's funeral had two really nice touches in addition to this. The first one was that since he was a veteran, he had a flag draped coffin (very striking) and a flag folding with the flag given to my mother (very touching) as well as Taps played at the end of the funeral (not a dry eye in the place). The other nice touch was that my daughter put together a video of my dad's life that was really exceptional. The first half was set to a very poignant song (Softy and Tenderly) and showed very touching photos of him as a baby, with his mom, growing up, the old homeplace, etc. Then suddenly at the end of that song, my daughter had the funniest video of my dad (very recent video) laughing and doing some silly dance with my youngest son - it was hilarious and the video took a sudden turn toward humor and joy, with the song "Uncloudy Day" playing (Willie Nelson). Since my dad was a character, it wasn't difficult to find happy, and sometimes funny photos. She ended it with a very, very recent video she had taken of my dad standing in my backyard laughing at a joke...the video ended with my dad's laughter and his joyful face and faded into a view of a cloudless sky. It was really, really touching, especially since he was a pilot (she had included photos of his plane and pictures he'd taken from the plane).

I have to admit - it was a great funeral, and since my dad loved a good funeral, I know he had to have been pleased!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2017, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Western MN
861 posts, read 473,890 times
Reputation: 1557
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Yes, we had access to a room like that. Very nice.

I liked the layout of the funeral homes (two of them) that we used for my inlaws and my dad. There was a room where the body and flowers were - very quiet and beautifully lit, no music piped in, no displays, etc. The casket was at one end and at the other end was a sitting area. People could come in, say their last goodbyes to the deceased, and then sit down at the other end of the room with whatever family was in there (there was nearly always some immediate family in there).

Then there was a big room adjacent to that smaller viewing room. This was like a hearth room, with a big fireplace and lots of seating areas. This is where we put the display of my dad's life - on a big table. Pictures, things from his hobbies, awards, etc. People really congregated around that looking at things. This is also where several big screen TVs were, and they played a looped series of photos from my dad's life. This is also the room where his playlist ran of about 20 of his favorite songs. Considering that his playlist contained the Rolling Stones, songs from O Brother Where Art Thou and some other sort of boisterous music, and considering that some of the photos were humorous, this room tended to be a lot less solemn. It really did feel more like a celebration of his life.

Then there was a small, very private room that family or anyone needing a quiet space could duck into.

Around here, visitation usually lasts about 2 hours. No food involved at visitation.

We "hosted" three funerals for parents within one year, at two different funeral homes and all three funerals/visitations followed this same format pretty much.

The funerals were also pretty interesting, I thought - very personalized. There was humor and some laughter along with the tears. The pastors involved were warm and personable and knew their "subjects" well. Each funeral also had another speaker or two who knew and loved the deceased and told some funny stories.

My dad's funeral had two really nice touches in addition to this. The first one was that since he was a veteran, he had a flag draped coffin (very striking) and a flag folding with the flag given to my mother (very touching) as well as Taps played at the end of the funeral (not a dry eye in the place). The other nice touch was that my daughter put together a video of my dad's life that was really exceptional. The first half was set to a very poignant song (Softy and Tenderly) and showed very touching photos of him as a baby, with his mom, growing up, the old homeplace, etc. Then suddenly at the end of that song, my daughter had the funniest video of my dad (very recent video) laughing and doing some silly dance with my youngest son - it was hilarious and the video took a sudden turn toward humor and joy, with the song "Uncloudy Day" playing (Willie Nelson). Since my dad was a character, it wasn't difficult to find happy, and sometimes funny photos. She ended it with a very, very recent video she had taken of my dad standing in my backyard laughing at a joke...the video ended with my dad's laughter and his joyful face and faded into a view of a cloudless sky. It was really, really touching, especially since he was a pilot (she had included photos of his plane and pictures he'd taken from the plane).

I have to admit - it was a great funeral, and since my dad loved a good funeral, I know he had to have been pleased!

My goodness what a nice memory. I started to tear up while reading that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2017, 11:23 AM
 
4,316 posts, read 2,154,748 times
Reputation: 7606
One of the big difference between my state I lived most of my life in ( Minnesota) and my retirement state (Arkansas) is the length of wakes/visitation.


In Minnesota it was 4-8 PM and down here it usually is 5-7 pm
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-12-2017, 11:57 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,309 posts, read 50,558,025 times
Reputation: 60234
In NJ it is usually 2 to 4 in the afternoon and 7 to 9 at night.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2017, 12:14 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
731 posts, read 522,301 times
Reputation: 1478
Sometimes the visitation can get dragged out too long. When my mom passed, we had a one hour visitation before the service. That was plenty for everyone. My grandmother's lasted all afternoon and again the next morning before the service. That was too long. Families can have private time to grieve aside from a visitation. Too long can be traumatic, not comforting. There are no rules.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2017, 04:13 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,493 posts, read 15,940,606 times
Reputation: 38845
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornado Baby View Post
Sometimes the visitation can get dragged out too long. When my mom passed, we had a one hour visitation before the service. That was plenty for everyone. My grandmother's lasted all afternoon and again the next morning before the service. That was too long. Families can have private time to grieve aside from a visitation. Too long can be traumatic, not comforting. There are no rules.
That is a good point. A lot depends on the individual circumstances of the deceased and the family. Factors like whether or not there are a lot of working age people & people with young families (vs. mostly retirees) attending the visitation and if there are a lot of relatives and family driving in the day of the funeral can make a huge difference. Or if only a few non family members are expected to attend.

Sadly, I've also attended visitations where there have been well over a hundred people attending and even with a lengthy visitation period not everyone was able to view the body (to help receive closure) and offer condolences to the family. These were for the visitation for a teenager and others were for fairly young (early 30s) parents who were very active in the schools and communities.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-14-2017, 02:19 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,309 posts, read 50,558,025 times
Reputation: 60234
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
That is a good point. A lot depends on the individual circumstances of the deceased and the family. Factors like whether or not there are a lot of working age people & people with young families (vs. mostly retirees) attending the visitation and if there are a lot of relatives and family driving in the day of the funeral can make a huge difference. Or if only a few non family members are expected to attend.

Sadly, I've also attended visitations where there have been well over a hundred people attending and even with a lengthy visitation period not everyone was able to view the body (to help receive closure) and offer condolences to the family. These were for the visitation for a teenager and others were for fairly young (early 30s) parents who were very active in the schools and communities.
This is true. My dad was 78, but still active in the community, and his death was sudden. There was a line going out the door past the 7-9 time frame at the evening visitation. We were touched that so many people showed up. He was an elder in his church, and he was a disabled veteran active in vet's organizations. Besides, there were seven of us siblings, and we all had friends and coworkers who came to pay respects, too.

Now I am going to a funeral on Friday. It's from 5 to 7, the whole thing, with a service right there in the funeral parlor at 6:30. The woman was 93 years old, and there aren't many people living who knew her. Most of us will go because we know her daughter and other children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top