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Old 10-11-2018, 05:20 AM
 
760 posts, read 491,675 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nurider2002 View Post
I have had two aunts and an uncle pass in the last couple of years with no memorial, no gathering of any kind. Frankly I donít understand it. I get that not everyone wants a funeral with a body in a casket but, to have a family member die and have no recognition of their life strikes me as sad. A memorial service gives people the chance to grieve, to support one another and, to acknowledge the deceasedís life. To cremate someone and have no gathering of any kind (to me) feels like this personís life was not important. My dad died a couple of months back at age 94. Yes, he outlived many of his friends but still, there were probably 100 people at his funeral. Hearing stories about him from people I never knew or barely knew was fascinating.
Maybe your aunts and uncle wanted it that way. I put instructions in my will and have told my children to spend as little money as possible dealing with my remains. They can show after the cremation with a cardboard box for all I care. I don't want any money wasted on a receptacle or service of any kind. I don't like waste.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:38 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,812 posts, read 32,508,191 times
Reputation: 56785
My mom has dementia. She was never open about what she wanted in the way of a funeral, burial spot, etc. She has always been an introvert. She has spent the last year in a memory care center. She quit even talking on the phone almost a year ago as well.

My dad died a couple of years ago and even then, when she was able to carry on conversations and was still pretty much "with it," she was absolutely zero help when I was asking her, "So do you and Dad have plans for a resting place? What do you want us to do with Dad's body? Do you want to be together in one place when you pass, because that will determine what we do with Dad's body and service now." She just would not answer. All she would say was, "Do what you think is best." Grrr. So we did have a funeral (Dad was very expressive about what he wanted in the way of a funeral, and he had no dementia and was very active in our community, so his funeral was PACKED and pretty elaborate, frankly). Then we cremated Dad and kept some of his ashes to be buried or whatever with Mom one day. We scattered the rest of his ashes on his old homeplace, which was what he had requested.

So when Mom dies (she's in hospice care now), I don't think we will have a funeral. I've discussed it with my brothers, and what we have planned to do is have her cremated, then AT THE CONVENIENCE OF FAMILY (which is very scattered) we will have a get together memorial service in her honor - a dinner somewhere, with lots of pictures and mementos of Mom around. Then I will take her ashes and Dad's ashes to the one place they both loved - New Orleans, LA - and I plan to buy a crypt or above ground box (whatever you call it) and put both their ashes in it with a plaque. Or I may just scatter both their ashes at City Park in Metairie, another place nearby that they love (neither of my brothers care which one I do). That would be a lot less expensive but the estate will have the money for the other option and frankly I sort of like that one best, even if no one ever goes to visit the site. I mean, I will go visit it but it will get very few visits ever since none of our family lives in New Orleans anymore.

Anyway, just a little memorial service, probably several weeks or even several months after she passes away. Oh well.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:59 AM
 
958 posts, read 271,875 times
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I just encountered this yesterday. I have heard of some sort of recognition of the passing being postponed a while for family to arrive or to address some other timing issue. Even a couple of months. But never to have no formal, quasi formal, informal recognition whether in a funeral, memorial service, going home service, body there, body cremated, body donated to study, coffin there, coffin not there...whatever. The thing that's done when someone dies and people get together anyplace and do something with words (maybe more) and then have cake and go home.

Well we were waiting to hear about something like that for a very sweet man who worked with us at times and that we saw socially. His daughter isn't doing anything. He donated his body to research and she feels if there's no body, there's no service. He belongs to a group who really liked him and that he really enjoyed socializing with. Maybe they'll do something at their little meeting building but they are hesitant about overstepping.
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:21 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,406 posts, read 42,557,582 times
Reputation: 56937
I do think no funeral is more common than before. I believe it is because people move around more and families are spread far and wide.

My husband and I do not live near any of our family. If we live here when we die, there would be no reason to have a funeral, where the kids would need to travel long distances, and only a few acquaintances would attend. Since we donít belong to a church here, I donít want some rent a minister who doesnít know us, bluffing through it.

What we have decided is to be creamated. When the second one of us dies, the kids can decide on a nice place to plant us and put a headstone. For some reason, being scattered bothers me.
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:55 AM
 
Location: between three Great Lakes.
1,620 posts, read 1,775,428 times
Reputation: 5325
Husband and I are going on "the slab" for the medical students immediately after our death/s. No body for the public to see. But family and friends are certainly free to have a wailing party/shindig/cocktails as they see fit.
I'm going to leave specific instructions for the above get-together:
Please refer to me as "dead" and having "died." Those are perfectly acceptable words. I haven't passed, passed away, or passed over. I am DEAD.
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,802 posts, read 51,151,571 times
Reputation: 27531
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenstyle View Post
Husband and I are going on "the slab" for the medical students immediately after our death/s. No body for the public to see. But family and friends are certainly free to have a wailing party/shindig/cocktails as they see fit.
I'm going to leave specific instructions for the above get-together:
Please refer to me as "dead" and having "died." Those are perfectly acceptable words. I haven't passed, passed away, or passed over. I am DEAD.
Awww... some of the alternatives have more panache:

Euphemisms For Death

I especially like "Immortally challenged" and "Promoted to root inspector." Another for today's world might be "Finally put down the d***ed cellphone."
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
16,675 posts, read 3,443,933 times
Reputation: 22347
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenstyle View Post
Husband and I are going on "the slab" for the medical students immediately after our death/s. No body for the public to see. But family and friends are certainly free to have a wailing party/shindig/cocktails as they see fit.
I'm going to leave specific instructions for the above get-together:
Please refer to me as "dead" and having "died." Those are perfectly acceptable words. I haven't passed, passed away, or passed over. I am DEAD.

I despise passed away...

dead is the term.
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:43 AM
 
739 posts, read 364,707 times
Reputation: 1314
Quote:
Originally Posted by josie13 View Post
Maybe your aunts and uncle wanted it that way. I put instructions in my will and have told my children to spend as little money as possible dealing with my remains. They can show after the cremation with a cardboard box for all I care. I don't want any money wasted on a receptacle or service of any kind. I don't like waste.
This was exactly how my mother wanted it. Cremation, no service, no obit, nothing. We did as she chose and her ashes are now in a nondescript box at my dads home.

To avoid the awkward “hey, how’s your family” conversation, I wrote a small bit on a social media account.

I think the trend is definately away from formal proceedings.
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:46 AM
 
5,484 posts, read 3,329,778 times
Reputation: 13884
My sister and father-in-law both died this year and were cremated. Each of them had a beautiful memorial service with a slideshow of photos from their lives and lots of memories. However, both services were delayed a month or two after the death while preparations were being made and to allow for out of state (and out-of-country) family members to travel.

My mother-in-law initially wanted no service for her husband; he hadn't expressed any wishes and she did not feel up to all the planning. We, the children and grandchildren, persuaded her that it was necessary and offered to do most of the work. And it was a lot of work! But in the end, all of us were so glad we did it. Over 150 people attended and it was so helpful and comforting for mother-in-law to see them all and hear their kind words.

My father is 94 and has had his entire funeral service planned out and prepaid for years. After all we went through with my father-in-law's passing (somehow he had convinced himself that he was going to survive pancreatic cancer and absolutely refused to discuss any end-of-life arrangements), I can see all the pre-planning as a gift to the family. But my dad has very strong opinions about funerals. He is totally against cremation. He also thinks it is very important for family and friends to have an opportunity for viewing, so his body will be flown down from the state where he now lives to the city where he spent most of his working life. There will be an all-morning open casket viewing, followed by a closed-casket service which he's planned out and even prerecorded a video for, followed by a graveside ceremony with burial.

I don't want the embalming, expensive casket and cement vault for myself but I don't care if it's what he wants and can afford it. What strikes me as frankly creepy is the open casket viewing. I can't imagine who among my dad's elderly acquaintances will want to go view him. The family certainly won't, but it's all arranged and we can't change it.

I haven't been to an actual full-blown funeral like this since my mom died 17 years ago. No, I don't think they are very common any more.
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Old 10-11-2018, 04:50 PM
 
Location: Planet Woof
2,938 posts, read 3,173,566 times
Reputation: 8794
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
another for today's world might be "finally put down the d***ed cellphone."
hilarious!!!!!
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