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Old 10-12-2018, 04:32 AM
 
6,112 posts, read 5,133,176 times
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My mother's best friend was just quietly cremated...no viewing or service. She said she wanted her children and loved ones to have that money...not a funeral home. Out of it she left a small bequest to my mother.

DH and I are adamant about no viewings, funerals, or services of any kind. I remember standing by my father's casket for hours at the viewing, "greeting" people, then the funeral next day, followed by hosting guests at the house. I don't want my daughters and grandsons to have to go through that. It's cruel. DH and I just want to be quietly cremated. Neither of us are religious or attend church, so we don't want clergy involved.

It was bad enough showing youngest DD the small monument we'd considered to hold her dad's and my urns when the time came. We already have a plot my dad bought for me, next to him.

When my FIL passed, there was absolutely no planning on what to do and no monetary provisions put aside to do it. They didn't believe in life insurance. My MIL had absolutely no idea what to do with the body (and she'd been an RN). They only keep it so long at the morgue. You have to send it to a funeral home or other venue. They were in their 80's and 90's, and they'd never discussed it among themselves or their children. I don't know why their children never tried to pin them on it. My dad had his funeral prepaid and preplanned (down to the casket and headstone). We kids had to do nothing. My mother's will be the same (I don't like thinking about it).

Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 10-12-2018 at 04:43 AM..
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Old 10-12-2018, 01:28 PM
 
Location: Dark Side of the Moon
184 posts, read 104,824 times
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My husband and I have promised to come back and haunt our sons if they spend one penny more than necessary when we die.

Simple cremation, with our ashes combined and scattered at the location of their choice. If they'd like, dinner at a nice restaurant, paid for by our estate, with anyone who might want to participate.

Neither of us wants to enrich the nursing home, medical, and funeral industries at the end of our lives. It's all become big business, and the thought of how much money is made from human misery is depressing. Fortunately we are able to talk very openly with our family about our desires and beliefs, and they are in agreement. How much you spend on a funeral is absolutely no indication of how much you cared for that individual.
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Old 10-12-2018, 02:06 PM
 
Location: Australia
250 posts, read 89,813 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shelia Shay View Post
My husband and I have promised to come back and haunt our sons if they spend one penny more than necessary when we die.

Simple cremation, with our ashes combined and scattered at the location of their choice. If they'd like, dinner at a nice restaurant, paid for by our estate, with anyone who might want to participate.

Neither of us wants to enrich the nursing home, medical, and funeral industries at the end of our lives. It's all become big business, and the thought of how much money is made from human misery is depressing. Fortunately we are able to talk very openly with our family about our desires and beliefs, and they are in agreement. How much you spend on a funeral is absolutely no indication of how much you cared for that individual.
Can I say something in defence of having some type of ceremony. To keep it in context, funerals in Australia are possibly often more simple than many I have seen described here. The most typical funeral would involve a cremation, without any type of viewing, a closed coffin and a service of about thirty to forty -five minutes. Followed by a gathering at a cafe for coffe, tea and snacks. There are many variations on this, with Australia being one of the most multi cultural countries on the planet, and three of my aunts and uncles did have no funeral at all. Which was entirely what they had wanted.

But my mother died recently and she had a long slow decline which took over five years. As she had dementia and also severe depression it was a very stressful time for all concerned. We had a typical funeral of the type described. It cost around $US5,000 and I was actually really glad that we did have it. It was really great for me to be able to start to refocus my mind back to times before the collapse in her health. Seeing early photos, listening to the grandchildren recount stories and seeing some of her long time friends meant a lot to me.

It was a lot of work at the time, mostly because of the photo tribute, which is of course optional anyway, but only a couple of months later I am sure it was of benefit to the family.
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Old 10-12-2018, 03:31 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
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My husband was cremated and we had a simple service at Hope Hospice free of charge. I have his ashes at home.
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Old 10-12-2018, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Texas
6,296 posts, read 2,275,808 times
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Most people I know do a memorial service, sometimes at a local park or even a restaurant. Funerals are too expensive these days. My mom's funeral service, casket, burial plot and headstone cost 28K.
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Old 10-12-2018, 06:00 PM
 
Location: San Diego CA
3,795 posts, read 2,878,686 times
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The funeral business is a con job. Imagine paying as much on a funeral as a new car. Lets face it unless you're someone famous and noteworthy in two generations or so no one will ever know you existed. Life is impermanent and transitory. Vanish from the world like all the things that ever lived and drift off to non existence.
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Old 10-12-2018, 06:49 PM
 
413 posts, read 172,041 times
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More and more I'm seeing in the obituary in my conservative small town "in accordance with her wishes there will be no viewing or memorial service".

Works for me. I don't like being the center of attention while alive and certainly don't want it after I'm dead. Dead, not passed.

I hate it when people critique a funeral---which they do. There seems to be some pressure to put on a "good funeral" with slide show and whatnot.
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Old 10-12-2018, 08:14 PM
 
18,114 posts, read 11,528,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LifeIsGood01 View Post
Are people just choosing cremation and a private family service instead?



I had a former friend pass away in his sleep at 51, must have been a stroke or heart attack. He had a mini stroke once I believe, I know he had some long term memory problems. I moved 2 hours away from where he lived by car but was looking forward to saying goodbye to him and his MANY friends even at just a memorial. I think a memorial for friends will be in 2 months.

The mother of a childhood friend of mine passed away a few years ago and they also didn't have anything for her, just a cremation. She was in her 80s and had Alzheimers.

So is this a new trend not to have a conventional funeral?

Funerals are expensive, always have been going back to days of that expose book "The American Way of Death", by Jessica Mitford. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_American_Way_of_Death


Even after laws were passed in wake of that book and since giving grieving consumers "some" protections funeral costs are still very dear in much of the United States. Why do you think Colonial Penn runs all those television commercials offering "low cost" life insurance to pay for funeral/final expenses.


It varies by local area, but average funeral costs for the most bare bones can run about $10k. This includes one day of viewing, collecting body from morgue or wherever, embalming/prep, cost of grave, opening and closing of, hearse (and maybe one limo for the family) and so forth.


This number can vary by a whole litany of "extras". Everything from charges imposed by cemetery/mausoleum (digging, opening, closing grave or tomb, grave liner, etc..) flowers, obituary notice in local newspapers, grave headstones/markers, and so forth. https://www.pressconnects.com/story/...rom=new-cookie


When you consider how many these days die with little to nothing to their names, and or desire to leave "something" to their heirs or surviving spouse. Going the cheapest way possible seems best choice.


Back old days a surviving widow even with young children would spend sums far more than she could afford on her late husband's funeral out of respect. She and her children then would promptly go to the work/poor house because now they had nothing left to live upon. That clearly makes no sense today.


In our family for years now it has been one day for wake, with funeral/burial next day. As been same with friends, and looking through local newspaper's obituaries many others as well.


Ever since the Catholic church removed their ban on cremation it seemed like the last hold out; with many now choosing that option over burial.


Times have changed. Families and or even close friends are now spread all over the country. Even if family can afford and or already has graves/tombs it may not follow enough living family and or friends still are local to visit (and or take care) of the graves. If perpetual care was paid for something should be done by the cemetery, but that always isn't a given. Many places are skimping on promised services and or not doing them all together because of "poor finances".


None of this even takes into account how much lifestyles have changed. You are more and more people dying who were childless, never married and have few to no close friends. In the past they were buried because that is what was done. But many now are specifying before death, and or their families deciding afterwards to go with a small (or no) funeral and cremation.


Finally must say much of the modern way of funerals (two, three or more days of a wake) and so forth largely came about post WWI. This was largely in part due to better embalming chemicals/techniques and of course spread of modern refrigeration. All of which allowed keeping a corpse "on ice" if you well for longer periods while holding off or down decay.


If you look at say 1800's or even early 1900's death and burial records you'll seen often the latter was not long after the former. If someone was famous, well off or something that warranted holding a funeral off so family and others could arrive from long distances (often by train), that was a different story.
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Old 10-12-2018, 08:20 PM
 
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DH and I don't want a funeral or service. Just a simple cremation. Been to too many funerals to count and I hate them.
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Old 10-12-2018, 08:46 PM
 
6,563 posts, read 2,553,001 times
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I'm in the minority here - I love "joyful" funerals - that is, when someone lived a long good life. Those are fabulous, and some of my best family reunions have centered around those times. Family gets together, remembers, wistfully celebrates the life of a beloved ancestor.

I also really like reading well-written obituaries, and walking old cemeteries so maybe I'm just weird.

(Funerals for young people are wrenching, and awful, and I can't say there's any joy at all in that. But I still attend, to be a comfort).
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