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Old 02-12-2017, 03:30 PM
 
Location: The house I built
309 posts, read 133,051 times
Reputation: 741

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I seem to be having a lot less of those emotional moments. I don't cry as often. I can finally look at her pictures and think about our times together without the tears. I am following my own program. I exercise, go to the gym, write my thoughts and feelings almost daily. I bury myself in my hobbies and projects. I have friends and family I chat with and a penpal or two.

I am still not dating yet. I plan to but for the moment I still want to work on me some more.

I think I avoid the things I know will be emotionally difficult. I will work up to those slowly. Anything we used to do together I have passed on for now.
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Old 02-12-2017, 06:54 PM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,841,009 times
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I wouldn't classify how I feel as better. I think of him everyday. I miss him so much that I'm disgusted with those who can't treat their SO well.

I do think of dating again, but for me, that feels like a long way off. At my age, it might be too late by then. It wouldn't be fair for me to drag someone into my baggage. I do have work to do on me.

I am getting used to doing things on my own again. I stay home rather than go out alone though.
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Old 02-12-2017, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,849 posts, read 1,166,193 times
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It's now been 11 months since I lost my lovely bride of almost 13 years, and I certainly am doing better in some respects, but I think I'm just better at hiding the pain and hurt. You won't see it but it's still there.
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Old 02-12-2017, 08:56 PM
 
Location: The house I built
309 posts, read 133,051 times
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I feel like I am accepting and adapting a little more each day. Maybe it only because I am no longer having those constant breakdowns. I could cry for a week and what would it accomplish?
I miss her, there is a giant hole in my heart and in my life. I really don't like being alone but I am. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. There is no book that says I should be miserable and spend my days crying over what I once had.

I will pull this together somehow. I will get back on my feet and back to living a normal happy life. It won't be easy. I am not fooling myself.

The pain and hurt and sorrow, sadness? Yes, it will always be there. But at some point we have to remember and be thankful for having those good memories. If they are good enough to make us cry, they should be good enough to also make us sigh.
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Old 02-12-2017, 08:58 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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I think I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel at about 18 months. That doesn't mean I'm "over it." I don't think that will ever happen. But there comes a time when you can start seeing that you will be able to have a life without your loved one. I'm still taking it slow - letting new activities and experiences happen in an organic way, rather than going out and trying to make things change. I am slowly starting to enjoy life on my own, but will always have times that I miss him. So yes, I am better. I think that timeline can be all over the place. Someone just told me that her sister, who is a psychologist, says that it takes about 5 years. But I don't know how such a generalized timeline can apply to everyone. I think I will be enjoying life long before 5 years. (It is 2 years and 3 months now.)
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Old 02-12-2017, 10:08 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,170 posts, read 16,524,951 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stevie60 View Post
I seem to be having a lot less of those emotional moments. I don't cry as often. I can finally look at her pictures and think about our times together without the tears....
I showed up for a "business" meeting yesterday that I'd scheduled with a guy a month ago. His wife came out and informed me, through tears, that he'd died suddenly 2-3 weeks ago. What do you say? Every time she mentioned him she'd start crying. I told her that I understood her feelings somewhat, as I'd lost my wife about 20 years ago.

I think that relaxed her a little, as she was able to tell me a little about his death (heart attack). Her main question, which she asked me repeatedly, was if she'll ever get over the pain. I told her yes, there will be a time when she'll think about the good times they had and smile at the memories rather than cry. I think that was the major huddle for me to get over, smiling rather than sobbing when I'd think about my late wife.

You're coming along, Stevie, when you can relive some of your moments through photographs without crying. But don't kick yourself for shedding a few tears. It's normal. I think it's good.


I was a little like you, Stevie, in coping with my late wife's death. I didn't just miss HER, I missed all that we had together -- the closeness -- the life. I started dating probably a month after her death -- friendly dinners or drives to casinos, etc., etc. I should have kept it at that for a few years. I didn't. And while I've never considered myself a great catch, there were a few ladies who apparently thought I was. I hurt most of them, along with myself. So take your time, and when you think you've waited long enough, maybe wait another few months.

I'd say it took me 3-5 years to really get my head straight... if you can call this straight.
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Old 02-12-2017, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,335,478 times
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Quoting myself: "At this point, if you continue the way you are, it will simply be a matter of time before the grief becomes less intense and the good life you had together begins to re-assert as your dominant set of feelings."

I cringe at the phrase "getting better" in this context. The grief experience is valid, serves a vital purpose, and is not an illness. You integrate, you forget a little, you develop new patterns of existing, and the sorrow component diminishes. You don't "get better;" you learn to live life under the changed circumstances.
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Old 02-12-2017, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Retired in Malibu/La Quinta/Flagstaff
1,223 posts, read 1,218,898 times
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My wife passed away 40 years ago this past December at the age of 19. We were only together for ten months - married for five of them. I still miss her everyday.

I'll never forget the words my parish priest told me - "Don't dwell on what you lost, but rejoice in what you had."

As hard as it was to to accept his words at that time, in the long run he was right.
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Old 02-12-2017, 11:49 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrolman View Post
My wife passed away 40 years ago this past December at the age of 19. We were only together for ten months - married for five of them. I still miss her everyday.

I'll never forget the words my parish priest told me - "Don't dwell on what you lost, but rejoice in what you had."

As hard as it was to to accept his words at that time, in the long run he was right.
Shortly after my husband died, a friend who had never really had a good relationship with her husband and was divorced told me that I was really lucky to have had 43 years with a really wonderful man, in a really good, loving, fulfilling marriage. At the time, that felt like cold comfort because the daily pain of losing him was just so intense. I couldn't see an end, and I was just so lost. But with time, the reality of her statement has become more apparent. Indeed, I was very, very lucky. To have such a love is a blessing I will always treasure. I have so many memories that are now sometimes wistful, often joyful, and always filled with love.
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Old 02-13-2017, 11:10 AM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,841,009 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
Shortly after my husband died, a friend who had never really had a good relationship with her husband and was divorced told me that I was really lucky to have had 43 years with a really wonderful man, in a really good, loving, fulfilling marriage. At the time, that felt like cold comfort because the daily pain of losing him was just so intense. I couldn't see an end, and I was just so lost. But with time, the reality of her statement has become more apparent. Indeed, I was very, very lucky. To have such a love is a blessing I will always treasure. I have so many memories that are now sometimes wistful, often joyful, and always filled with love.
Exactly this. ^^^

I remind myself just how lucky I was. How lucky I AM. I DO chuckle at some of the memories. I am not better yet in regard to losing him. I'm just different. I am better for having him in my life. I always felt that way. I used to tell him how lucky I am.
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