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Old 02-26-2017, 06:19 PM
 
311 posts, read 356,002 times
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I have to say the best thing my sister and i ever did, was talk to my mother about her wishes. It took a while to find the right words to start such a conversation. But, for the last 2 years, we have double checked as to what she wanted when she passed. I was able to ask all about her childhood and identify people in old pictures, if i wasn't sure who they were. Now, I am SO greatfull for that. Because in Nov. 2016 she had a stroke and couldn't communicate. She passed away in Dec. 2016. So, it was one less thing to worry and think about.
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Old 02-26-2017, 09:00 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,852 posts, read 8,323,197 times
Reputation: 5483
Smile My dad

Four years before my dad died at 72, he sent all of his children (4) a letter - at the top it said "Upon my demise" - We called each other and were really sad and thought it was morbid - all in our 30's, early 40's at the time with young children.

However, he was the only one of our parents who did this and he did us a favor. Even to say "no viewing; just a small service; family only with Person X invited outside of the family; have at the gravesite, etc.

It made it much easier.

We also kept his voice on the landline for 10 years and whenever we needed to hear his voice, we'd call the number. I was so mad when someone disconnected it without thinking that through but at least, we got to hear his voice for 10 years. We also have some good videos from 1980's/1990's.

True patriarch of the family. Miss him.
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Old 02-26-2017, 09:46 PM
 
Location: The house I built
308 posts, read 132,729 times
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Some months before my wife passed I talked to a lady who lost her husband and she told me to never find myself in a position of wondering if I could have done more and never let myself wish I had given her more love.

Well, I was with her 24/7 for the last 18 months and it was the hardest episode of my life. And here I am wishing I had given her even more love. And what I would give right now just to hold her one more time.
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Old 02-27-2017, 12:36 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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Like you, the years of my husband's illness and death were the hardest of my life. I was aware that this would be my last chance to love him on earth, so through all of that, I tried to see him always with the eyes of love. It is hard when you are exhausted from endless medical procedures, getting very little sleep, going to multiple appointments, always being "on" to provide the information the doctors need, making countless decisions and enduring the slow fading of the one you love. But I kept telling myself "Love Stays." Love never quits, regardless of the circumstances. I imagine, Stevie60, that you also gave it your all. But none of us is perfect. In fact, our loved ones love us despite our imperfections. Would they recognize us if we were perfect? Would we recognize them if they were perfect? Being human and accepting that, in yourself as well as those you love, is part of love.
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Old 02-28-2017, 02:49 PM
 
Location: PA
839 posts, read 958,857 times
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My Dad was very cranky in his last year...he just lost my Mom (his wife) and he was dying of cancer. I do have this upbeat voice message I kept of him joking around to have my chihuahua call him back since I wasn't picking up the phone, calling my dog by his nickname and it sounded like he had a smile in his voice. I kept that, among one or two other voice mails, and I play them back weekly. It will be tough when my smartphone breaks :-(
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Old 02-28-2017, 03:41 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,959 posts, read 32,676,353 times
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After the shock of my life regarding my parents' wills and their YEARS of intentional deceit toward me, my advice is this:

Don't deceive people and try to manipulate them via promises of inheritances, heirlooms, etc - and if you're on the other end, take any promises like that with a grain of salt.

You never know how these things are going to turn out, but one thing is sure - everyone's chickens come home to roost, and oh, another thing is sure too - that Karma? She's a real *****.

I'm pretty sure my dad intended to one day "make it right for me" in his will - he fully intended to outlive my mother and had even already made a few legal changes (POA, that sort of thing) once she got some dementia. But he hated fighting with her and would much rather throw anyone under the bus rather than get sideways with her.

Long story short, what they TOLD me was in their wills vs what was ACTUALLY in their wills was markedly different. They both intentionally lied to me (and others) for decades. Please keep in mind this wasn't a matter of "it's not anyone's business but ours." It was more along the lines of "We know we're high maintenance but after all, you'll be inheriting a lot of property one day so put up with us."

Well, they never intended to leave us that property, which is clear from their wills from numerous years ago. They both intentionally continued to brag and justify things with the heirs - to VOLUNTEER THE INFORMATION AND TO USE IT AS A SORT OF GUILT TRIP - for YEARS, both knowing they were lying through their teeth.

What they didn't figure on is that ONE of them would most likely outlive the other. I think my dad really did think it would be him, so he may have had plans to change his own will back to what he'd been telling people after my greedy, weird mom died - but guess what, Dad - YOU DIED FIRST. And Mom can't change her will and has no intention of doing so anyway and no need to - because the format and dispensation of it mirrors exactly what I think she wanted all along.

So yeah - be sure that when you're laying on your deathbed, you don't have to worry about how your loved ones who are taking care of you are going to feel when they realize you've screwed them over - or worse yet, meeting your Maker, who is not likely to be too tolerant of your excuses of "Well, I always just figured I'd make it right some time down the road!"

Grrr!!!!!!!
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Old 02-28-2017, 04:35 PM
 
12,915 posts, read 19,798,895 times
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The real lesson to be learned is that nobody should depend on their parents for an inheritance. If you care for them, you help them in their infirm ages, not because you expect to be left compensation. They cared for us for us until we were adults.
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Old 02-28-2017, 04:54 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,959 posts, read 32,676,353 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
The real lesson to be learned is that nobody should depend on their parents for an inheritance. If you care for them, you help them in their infirm ages, not because you expect to be left compensation. They cared for us for us until we were adults.
OK coupla points:

1. It was not that I was counting on receiving an inheritance, or that it would have made a lick of difference to me whether they left me anything or not (it wouldn't have). It was their deliberate deceitfulness and outright lying about it. I would have taken care of them without any inheritance. So yes, I totally agree with you that no one should depend on their parents for an inheritance.

I would also add that what people should be able to depend on from people who profess to love and appreciate them is honesty. Not deceitfulness and emotional manipulation. Those are not indicators of love.

2. Not all parents do a very good job of caring for their kids till adulthood - or beyond.

One shoe does not fit all.

Last edited by KathrynAragon; 02-28-2017 at 05:32 PM..
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Old 02-28-2017, 05:31 PM
 
12,915 posts, read 19,798,895 times
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I think thou dost protest too much. You now have threads on three different forums over it. And in one, you clarify that you were told you would be inheriting property,when it seems that you were inheriting 1/3 rd of what you were expecting. That doesn't prove you were lied to, only that you assumed you were the sole heir.

Yes, it's lousy that you are dealing with this while still grieving over your father. But it's wrong to pile all the blame on your mother too, while she still depends on you for help. Bitterness is self-distructive. Let it go.
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Old 02-28-2017, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,959 posts, read 32,676,353 times
Reputation: 57073
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I think thou dost protest too much. You now have threads on three different forums over it. And in one, you clarify that you were told you would be inheriting property,when it seems that you were inheriting 1/3 rd of what you were expecting. That doesn't prove you were lied to, only that you assumed you were the sole heir.

Yes, it's lousy that you are dealing with this while still grieving over your father. But it's wrong to pile all the blame on your mother too, while she still depends on you for help. Bitterness is self-distructive. Let it go.
Wow, this must interest you a lot.

If you've read my posts, then you know that on the advice of their attorney, due to extenuating factors, they had told me - and my husband - that I would be inheriting all of that property. I didn't ask for that. I didn't seek it out. Like I said, it was due to some tragic extenuating factors that it was determined that it would be best for there to be only one heir of their real estate holdings. I happened to be that one.

I also happened to be the only one of their three children who chose to live near them, who had a successful and productive career, who has never asked them for a penny, and who has never abused their trust in any way.

They then proceeded to tell me for years - decades in fact - that this was my inheritance. For the past five or more years, they clarified to me repeatedly that I was the only heir to this property. I have one seriously mentally ill brother (as you should know since you're tracking my posts) who cannot and should not own property, and I have one brother with no interest whatsoever in the property who hadn't set foot on it, or in my parents' state, for over twenty years. This brother also knew (or thought he knew) that I was the sole inheritor of the real estate, and was totally fine with that.

So yes, I was lied to - we were all lied to - and this was used to emotionally manipulate me - for years. My parents even had my husband and I sit in on the drafting of their will with their attorney and told him, and us, that they had decided to leave it all to me due to these extenuating circumstances. This had been his initial advice anyway.

Then they tried to convince my husband and me to actually build on this property - which they knew they were not actually leaving to me. This was just a year or so ago. The only reason why we wouldn't do it is because they wouldn't deed it to us so we wouldn't build on it. They would have had me build a HOUSE on property that I would then not solely own!!!!! THAT is inexcusable and would have put my husband and me (and our money) in a precarious and vulnerable position.

And my mother is and has been seriously mentally ill for decades. You'd know that too if you'd read my posts. My mother and father are both to blame for this deceit and I have every right to be angry.

I'm not bitter by the way. Bitterness is not constructive. I am glad to finally know the truth. I can make better informed decisions with the truth.

I will always make sure my mother is safe and well taken care of, by the way. Just so you know.

And to reiterate, even though if you've been keeping up with the posts, you will have read this by now - I don't care about "getting" the property. It is the fact that my parents intentionally deceived me for so many years that is so hurtful.

If my posts on three sections of the forum bother you, don't read them.

Last edited by KathrynAragon; 02-28-2017 at 06:06 PM..
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