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Old 03-01-2017, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Where we enjoy all four seasons
20,799 posts, read 8,530,432 times
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Say the things that always needed to be said. They can hear you. Just hold their hand until the end. My Mom woke up for a bit and told me she loved me and within 30 minutes she passed. I can still hear her words. Believe it or not I have a few phone messages from her on my answering machine which for some reason I cannot bring myself to listen to but I can hear her laughter in my ears when I am places where we went together.

Try to leave no regrets. Enjoy the living memories as you will remember vividly.

My Dad is still with us at 88. I am with him every week and we have made sure everything is in order and I had him write his wishes down.

This doesn't answer a question but a while ago (because I am not getting any younger) I started a box and in that box I have written letters to my kids, my grandkids when I think of things and I write it down so someday after I am gone they will still have letters from me telling them how proud I am or I pinpointed a certain occasion. I keep a gratitude jar in my windowsill and when something I am grateful for comes up I write it down and at the end of the year because it mostly involves them and a memory I place it in a ziploc bag with the date on it and add it tot he box. I want them to have personal letters from me long after I am gone regarding how proud they made me while I was here. I think everyone needs to hear that. This box is tucked away until after I am gone and nobody knows about it but it is labeled and will be found. .

As far as a child/sibling I have no idea how a parent deals with that. I lost my brother at 31 and he had two children so I guess we made sure his kids now grown knew everything about him. We created memories for them of their Dad. He would have been a grandfather this past year.
A sibling is very hard because it is something I have never really gotten over...he took a part of my heart that cannot be explained or filled.


I am not sure if any of this helps.

In the end it is a personal journey that we all have to travel. There are no rules but a ton of feelings.
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Old 03-01-2017, 03:49 PM
 
4,104 posts, read 3,444,432 times
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If your loved one is in hospice, go take care of the funeral arrangements right away. It is never easy but the more of those type arrangements you can make in advance, the less you will have to deal with when under duress.
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Old 03-01-2017, 04:43 PM
 
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I made sure that I "soaked up" the valuable, finite time I had with him. I paid attention to his chuckle (before he stopped), the look of his whiskers, how he shuffled across the room (when he still could). Those are a few of the things that I will never forget.

I am SO lucky and SO blessed to have that time and those memories.
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Old 03-01-2017, 05:36 PM
 
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My contribution to this thread is to plan your own funeral either at the funeral home or in writing so that all know your wishes.
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Old 03-04-2017, 05:58 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,879 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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I have another suggestion:

Being the executor of a will is not really an honor as much as it is a huge responsibility and headache. It takes some ability and a particular skill set. The fewer abilities the named executor has, the more it is going to cost the heirs to have the estate settled and the more potential dissension is looming.

CHOOSE AN EXECUTOR WITH THE ABILITIES NEEDED TO ACTUALLY PROCESS AND CLOSE OUT AN ESTATE. Do NOT choose an executor based on sentimental reasons. Choose an executor who will most likely be alive and still working/active when you pass as well. And choose a back up executor in case the first choice can't or won't do it.

Discuss this with them. ASK THEM if you can name them as executor. Get information to them and have them read it before committing.

It can be a huge, complex job.

My dad named my mom as executor - because "that's what you do - you name your spouse." Well, my mom has literally never sat down and paid one bill since they got married 58 years ago. She hasn't written out a check in decades. She doesn't know a single thing about banking. She doesn't drive. When she DID drive, she didn't even know how to put gas in her car - my dad always did that for her.

Not a good choice.

Basically what this means is that I have to do all the legwork, explain everything to her, and then get her to sign stuff. I have to make the phone calls and if I need to speak to someone who will only talk with the executor, I have to either lie and say that's me (I don't like lying) or I have to put my mom on the phone on speaker phone and go through everything, which complicates things, or we have to pay an attorney to sort through it all and then explain everything to my mom.

My husband's mom named her eldest son as executor - because "that's what you do." He is the worst procrastinator in the world. THE WORLD, I TELL YOU. He is not well - he struggles with various health issues. He has always moved like a snail - he's a nice guy but that is part of his personality. He is easily overwhelmed with small details. His mother, who raised him, had to have known this.

Not a good choice.

Think really hard about how and who you choose as executor. They need to be honest, efficient, organized, and able to sort through legal documents. They need to understand legal processes. They need to be driven to get things done. They need to be the type of person who has good credit, no criminal record, and doesn't rack up speeding tickets - by that I mean someone who is predisposed to follow procedures and rules. Think HR manager, banker, attorney, teacher, accountant, bookkeeper, etc.

Keep in mind that regardless of whether or not they do a good job, they can get paid by the estate.
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Old 03-18-2017, 08:31 AM
 
208 posts, read 232,179 times
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If you're the person dying:
One of the last gifts u can give ur family is to have pre-arranged ur funeral.
Another big gift u can leave them is to not need probate by having POD (payable on death) names on ALL
your accounts, and change real estate deed to Lady Bird Life Estate deed. Property stays yours but transfers upon death - no probate.
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Old 03-18-2017, 08:43 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,879 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seaduced View Post
If you're the person dying:
One of the last gifts u can give ur family is to have pre-arranged ur funeral.
Another big gift u can leave them is to not need probate by having POD (payable on death) names on ALL
your accounts, and change real estate deed to Lady Bird Life Estate deed. Property stays yours but transfers upon death - no probate.
AMEN AND AMEN. Great post. Succinct and absolutely correct.
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Old 03-18-2017, 10:32 AM
 
4,316 posts, read 2,148,130 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
Most of us here have had a loved one die. We have experienced the loss, the grief, the sorrow, and for a lucky few a continuation of life while where the deceased lives within us as a joy and treasure. What we have also all had as an experience is a regret of things not done, questions not asked, and loose ends left hanging, no matter how careful we tried to be.

I just went to the grocery today, and a cashier I had not seen for a year was there. In making connection with her (we do that in Alabama) she stated that her father had terminal cancer. It was a stunner, but I commented that she might want to get a tape recorder or something similar and ask questions about family relations, important events, and anything else she could think of. Having that information might not be important for her but could be for other family members and it would be an ongoing connection with her father.

The experience made me recognize that we are in some ways a privileged group, in that we all have the experience to put together some kind advice for those about to go into the experience we have had.

Using your own pain to guide others through their upcoming pain, what unique advice do you have to offer someone about to experience the loss of a loved one? To help guide responses, I'll set these scenarios:

Overall loss

Loss of a parent

Loss of a mate

Loss of a child


Please be as kind and gentle as you can be, but also be realistic. If you don't know or don't have a response for more than one situation, that is fine. It is all about authenticity in advice, not guessing what should be good advice. Take your time. Don't immediately respond, but take a day or more to gather your thoughts. Take what regrets you might have had and let them help someone else.


(2nd paragraph) Excellent advice you gave to the cashier whose father was dying.


I was farming with my dad when he died from cancer at age 82.
My first trip to the barn upon hearing of his passing ( he died at a hospital) was that I could never hear his voice again.


My wife died from ALS in 2013.
She lost the ability to speak about a year before dying.


My kids said at her funeral that they had already gone a year w/o hearing her voice before death.
They wished they had taped SOMETHING sooner..........her voice, her laugh
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Old 03-18-2017, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,879 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David A Stone View Post
(2nd paragraph) Excellent advice you gave to the cashier whose father was dying.


I was farming with my dad when he died from cancer at age 82.
My first trip to the barn upon hearing of his passing ( he died at a hospital) was that I could never hear his voice again.


My wife died from ALS in 2013.
She lost the ability to speak about a year before dying.


My kids said at her funeral that they had already gone a year w/o hearing her voice before death.
They wished they had taped SOMETHING sooner..........her voice, her laugh
I agree with this.

A few months after my dad died, I went into Verizon to get his cell phone service disconnected. Actually I just went in to gather information about what they needed - I didn't expect them to just up and turn it off right then and right there.

I (and other family members) had been calling his cell phone periodically just to hear his voice - and we would sometimes leave messages. I know it sounds corny but that's what we were doing. All of a sudden, BAM - it was cut off. I had to call my adult kids to tell them this and of course I immediately got criticized for it by one child (the one who is always critical of every move I make). She immediately said in a huffy tone of voice, "Well, I sure wish someone had called me and given me some sort of warning so I could have listened to his voice one more time." I simply said, "I know - I wished the same thing. But they just cut it off immediately. Sorry."

And I WAS sorry - but I didn't feel like it was my fault.

I still have the last message he left me on my phone and occasionally I listen to it. It was about a week before he died. His text messages are all on my phone too and I like reading through them occasionally. He had such a sense of humor.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:16 PM
 
Location: SW US
1,992 posts, read 1,851,090 times
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Sometime before my father died five years ago, my parents called me on my birthday. I wasn't home so they left a message - them singing Happy Birthday. I still have it on my voice mail.
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