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Old 03-01-2017, 07:17 PM
 
635 posts, read 395,383 times
Reputation: 1762

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Well it's been nine months since my husband was killed in an accident and I'm still standing. I'm not sure why I'm writing today. I haven't been on the Grief and Morning forums in months but for some reason I decided to pop in today and I felt compelled to say thank you again to those who helped me get through the first horrible months after my husband's death. At the time I was out of my mind with grief and I needed a safe place to vent and someone to listen without judgment. I found my safe place here with strangers for nearly five months and there are no words to express my gratitude for the kindness that was given to me.

Anyway, it's been less than a year for me but I do want to offer some hope to those that have been recently widowed. I wrote my first post here at three weeks and at that time I didn't think I was going to survive. I thought I was literally going to die from a broken heart. I wanted to die most days. The pain was unbearable.

I missed my husband so much that it hurt every second of the day. I thought the pain was never going to subside. In some ways I didn't want the pain to end because I needed to hurt. It might not make sense but I felt like my love for my husband was so strong that in order to grieve properly I had to really feel the pain and I did. I cried, I screamed, I went to pieces but I'm still here and nine months later I'm alright.

I still have bad days where I sob and fall to the ground but each time that happens I pick myself back up and I move forward. I still miss my husband but I've accepted my new life. I didn't choose this life but I'm alive and I'm going to live, really live. I'm doing it for myself and for my little girl. My husband would want us to be happy so I'm trying.

I guess I'm just trying to say that things do get better. Yes we will always hurt but we can also feel love and joy again. It's not exactly the same but there is hope. I never thought I could say that but today I truly believe it. Having felt the worst pain imaginable I now really appreciate life and love and I'm going to do my very best to not take one second of it for granted.
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Old 03-01-2017, 07:27 PM
 
5,502 posts, read 1,943,786 times
Reputation: 3994
Hey sweetie! I'm so glad you posted. I've been thinking about you lately, and specifically this past week. Oh my goodness, I so remember those early days for you. I know you will be able to help others who find themselves in your same circumstance. I'm so happy for you and so proud of you that you pressed on, putting one foot in front of the other, and are now at a place where you feel like you can live again. How is your baby girl and your other daughter?

I know you will have good days and bad, but I'm so grateful that you are able to have some good days now. I know you didn't think you'd ever see the sun again.

Thank you so much for checking in and letting us know how you're doing. Wishing you the very, very best.
*Hugs*
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Old 03-01-2017, 08:09 PM
 
635 posts, read 395,383 times
Reputation: 1762
Thank you, trobesmom!

Both of my daughters are well. My little one has been in daycare since October and it's been great for both of us. She loves being around other children and I needed the time to myself to grieve and to get things done. I tried for almost five months to take care of her on my own after my husband died but I came to the conclusion that I needed help and I wasn't a bad mom for not doing everything on my own. I surrendered and my daughter is thriving and I'm putting myself back together.

My oldest is doing good also. She's busy with work and school. I don't see her as much as I'd like but she's grown and has her own life now. She does come over for dinner about once or twice a month and we talk weekly.

Sometimes I still can't believe I've made it this far but time keeps on going. I try to stay busy and have things planned so I have something to look forward to. I'm going on vacation in a few months so I'm excited about that. I'm really just trying to have fun and live life. I'm tired of being sad all the time. I still cry just not all day now. I can cry for ten minutes then move on with my day.

I know this might surprise some people given the state I was in last summer but I'm actually dating someone. It's new and we've only been together 2 1/2 months but he makes me happy. Dating was the furthest thing from my mind when we met but we just clicked and I like having someone to spend time with. It's not love yet but I like him a lot. It's weird really, how life can change so quickly.

The holidays were brutal and my wedding anniversary is coming up soon which is going to be tough but I know I'll get through it. I know I can get though anything now.

I'm never going to get over losing my husband and a piece of me died with him but I had to make a choice to keep living. I was in a deep dark place for awhile and I just couldn't live like that anymore. It wasn't good for me or my children. I still go to that dark place sometimes but I don't let myself stay there very long or else I'll get stuck. I have to tell myself there is hope. I have to believe. I make myself. It's too scary living without hope.
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Old 03-01-2017, 08:16 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,836 posts, read 51,286,023 times
Reputation: 27639
I was very concerned for you. I'm so glad you have come so far, and I thank-you for sharing your experience forward to help others.
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Old 03-01-2017, 11:47 PM
 
Location: The house I built
308 posts, read 131,809 times
Reputation: 741
It wonderful that you have found your way. I identify with everything you wrote like so many others do also. We all need to hear these good stories. We all need to have hope that we will one day look forward to each day as it comes again.
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Old 03-02-2017, 01:32 AM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
Reputation: 4549
It is good to hear from you, and good to know that you are seeing glimmers of light. We all know it takes a long time. You describe the pain very well. Your life will never be the same as it was. But that doesn't mean it can't be a good, meaningful, satisfying life. I know you will have joy again, even though there will be times of sadness at remembering. I am glad that those who wrote to you through this forum helped you to survive. I think that once you know how low this kind of loss can bring a person, how intense the pain is that seizes you life, you feel a pull to help others, if only a bit. You feel a kinship with others in the throws of loss. I hope as life unfolds for you and your daughter that you continue to feel the love and support that is out there for all of us.

May blessings surround you.
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Old 03-02-2017, 07:35 AM
 
635 posts, read 395,383 times
Reputation: 1762
I think you're right Grasshopper, I think most of us do feel that pull to help others that are feeling that deep dark level of hopelessness and want to help them see there is a glimmer of light. In those first few weeks and months I would never have imagined that I could come this far the pain was so intense and I was so overwhelmed with life in general. Sometimes if I think about having to raise my daughter alone or living life without him I still get overwhelmed and terrified but I know I can do it now, I have no choice.

I've surprised myself with what I'm capable of doing by myself so far. Losing your spouse makes you stronger in ways you never expected. In a lot of ways I'm still very fragile but I've come along way. I'm especially scared of getting close to another man but I decided that in order to really live again I have to take chances. It might be too soon and I didn't plan on getting involved with anyone but he's very understanding and he has brought a certain lightness back into my life. He knows I'm broken to some extent and accepts me exactly the way I am. He's become a very great friend to me.

When I go back and read some of what I wrote I know how far I've come and if I can find some hope again anyone can. I truly loved my husband. He was my everything. I try not to dwell on his death anymore and instead remember the amazing life we had together. He showed me what unconditional love was and I'm grateful that I had him for 13 wonderful years. I am luckier than most. I think about him all of the time but mostly now I can smile and think about the good times.

I'm not healed, I know that. I'm going to feel this pain until I die but time does ease things a bit. I hated when people said that to me in the beginning and I didn't believe them. It's an ongoing journey and I'm continuously evolving and becoming someone different. Sometimes I feel like I died last year too and this new me sees life in a completely different way. In someways it's a gift. My husband died but I'm alive and I'm not going to waste my life feeling sorry for myself anymore. My little girl is going to have an amazing life. I'm going to do that for my husband.

Thanks again everyone for listening to me ramble. Sometimes I get going and don't know when to stop. I really feel like the people here have been part of my journey and I felt the need to continue sharing my story.
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Old 03-05-2017, 06:54 PM
 
5,502 posts, read 1,943,786 times
Reputation: 3994
Oh MLC, I am so happy for you! You have really come so far, and I know that you will carry your husband in your heart always. We never get over one we lost who is so dear, but we learn to build a life around their absence, and continue on. I'm glad your girls are doing well too.

I'm delighted that you have found a man you can share your time and your heart with. Wishing you the very best of everything -- life, love and laughter. Take care, my friend.
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Old 03-14-2017, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,048,548 times
Reputation: 10734
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
Well it's been nine months since my husband was killed in an accident and I'm still standing. I'm not sure why I'm writing today. I haven't been on the Grief and Morning forums in months but for some reason I decided to pop in today and I felt compelled to say thank you again to those who helped me get through the first horrible months after my husband's death. At the time I was out of my mind with grief and I needed a safe place to vent and someone to listen without judgment. I found my safe place here with strangers for nearly five months and there are no words to express my gratitude for the kindness that was given to me.

Anyway, it's been less than a year for me but I do want to offer some hope to those that have been recently widowed. I wrote my first post here at three weeks and at that time I didn't think I was going to survive. I thought I was literally going to die from a broken heart. I wanted to die most days. The pain was unbearable.

I missed my husband so much that it hurt every second of the day. I thought the pain was never going to subside. In some ways I didn't want the pain to end because I needed to hurt. It might not make sense but I felt like my love for my husband was so strong that in order to grieve properly I had to really feel the pain and I did. I cried, I screamed, I went to pieces but I'm still here and nine months later I'm alright.

I still have bad days where I sob and fall to the ground but each time that happens I pick myself back up and I move forward. I still miss my husband but I've accepted my new life. I didn't choose this life but I'm alive and I'm going to live, really live. I'm doing it for myself and for my little girl. My husband would want us to be happy so I'm trying.

I guess I'm just trying to say that things do get better. Yes we will always hurt but we can also feel love and joy again. It's not exactly the same but there is hope. I never thought I could say that but today I truly believe it. Having felt the worst pain imaginable I now really appreciate life and love and I'm going to do my very best to not take one second of it for granted.
I lost my husband last monday after a 13 month battle with cancer. The bolded is exactly how I feel. Keep hoping it's a nightmare I will wake from
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Old 03-14-2017, 10:58 PM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
Reputation: 4549
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I lost my husband last monday after a 13 month battle with cancer. The bolded is exactly how I feel. Keep hoping it's a nightmare I will wake from
I am very sorry about this. I know the pain feels just unbearable right now. It think that the message you quoted is correct that we just have to go through this. You have to feel the loss and grief before you can see the light of hope ahead. I hope you have family or friends to talk to or just to be there for you at this terrible time.
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