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Old 03-18-2017, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,035 posts, read 7,199,948 times
Reputation: 49976

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Dear one, you can second guess all day long, but the outcome would have been the same. I was in heath care for 25 years and I saw too many people who should have left weeks ago being tortured into living. I personally would not want to have chemo and or radiation with end stage cancer. Why make what little time you have left even more miserable?

You are grieving, and sometimes emotions get in the way of logic. I know I went through that with our last cat. She was 16 and had lymphoma. At the first hint of discomfort we took her to the vet and had her put down. The vet said we we can try this and we can try that. I said no. I would not torture her into living because we didn't want to give her up. She actually bounced back after she had some sedation and I started second guessing whether we were doing what was best for her. The bottom line was that I had to push the emotion to the side and go with the what was right for our cat.

You will find joy and smile again dear one. Focus on yourself now and grieve as long as you need to. I'm sorry for your loss and the terrible time you're going through. If I can give you one ounce of comfort by telling you that you did the right thing for your husband then I'll be grateful.

If you can find a way to get past the what ifs and focus on the fact that we all have a beginning and we all have an end. It was just your husbands time. I think you know in your heart that you did the right thing for him. I also know that it put you in a position to deal with probably the worst thing you will ever have to face in your life. I hope you have a good support system. Hugs.
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Old 03-18-2017, 11:38 AM
 
279 posts, read 308,400 times
Reputation: 682
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
My husband passed on March 6th after a 13 month battle with stage 4 renal cancer.

I sit here now and second guess every decision I made regarding his health care when he no longer could. if I did this instead of that he might still be here.

Back on Feb 23rd his MRI showed 4 new tumors on his brain, 2 of them 2 inches. They wanted to do full brain radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks and I said enough already, now I wonder if I made the right choice. Guess I will always second guess this.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

This feeling is normal. Please try not to torture yourself with second guessing. You made the best possible choices that you could have made in the given situation. Sometimes things unfold the way they are meant to unfold.

Understand that you miss him very much. Please be kind to yourself, he would want you to be.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 03-18-2017, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Carbondale, Illinois
24 posts, read 16,208 times
Reputation: 70
nijkate, thank you for your post, I thought I was the only one who felt I had made the wrong decisions. My husband died December 1, of stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which was found and I am sure caused a bowel obstruction, but took several endoscopic surgeries first until they performed surgery. By that time, he was so week, he could not stand up. If I had insisted on the stomach surgery it would have made not difference, but would have provided more strength. I thought he would not heal from it, since he was diabetic, oddly, that wound did heal. I saw him suffer from the other surgeries, with putting a tube in his nose, lots of IV's and kept trying to take them out. I also wish I had brought him home to hospice sooner. It is difficult to make the decisions on your own, even through I did the best, and it was his decision in Rehab to try to get stronger to stand, but if he went to the ER from rehab, to come home, and died 2 nights later. A lot I feel was bad medical advise, but that does not make it easier. I do not regret spending time with him, while in the hospital I most nights with him, since he would try to tear out the IV's. We all have to forgive ourselves, making choices under extremely stressful situations. Peace to all of us.
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Old 03-18-2017, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,578 posts, read 4,785,001 times
Reputation: 16491
My second guessing was more about things that may have extended a life that should have ended weeks earlier. If I did this or that would it have been over sooner?
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Old 03-18-2017, 06:26 PM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,840,262 times
Reputation: 4655
"Anyone second guess themselves?"

Everyday. You are not alone.

HUGS
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Old 03-18-2017, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
7,099 posts, read 2,213,337 times
Reputation: 9653
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
My husband passed on March 6th after a 13 month battle with stage 4 renal cancer.

I sit here now and second guess every decision I made regarding his health care when he no longer could. if I did this instead of that he might still be here.

Back on Feb 23rd his MRI showed 4 new tumors on his brain, 2 of them 2 inches. They wanted to do full brain radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks and I said enough already, now I wonder if I made the right choice. Guess I will always second guess this.
I think you did the right thing. The drastic radiation treatment would have just made his last days more unpleasant and couldn't have changed the outcome. Best wishes for you to find some peace and hopefulness for the rest of your own life.
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Old 03-18-2017, 08:35 PM
 
Location: Houston
20,997 posts, read 10,627,451 times
Reputation: 8219
There are fates worse than death.
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Old 03-19-2017, 08:11 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,109 posts, read 3,927,959 times
Reputation: 18777
njkate - if things were reversed and you were the patient would you want the possible horrible side effects of brain radiation to extend your life for a short while? I have had cancer twice and if it comes back I will let nature take its course without any intervention.


When someone we love dies, we are grieving, for ourselves, for the life we had with our loved one. You did the right thing and don't torture yourself by second guessing your decision.


You have my condolences on the loss of your husband.
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Old 03-19-2017, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Surfside Beach, SC
1,772 posts, read 2,404,960 times
Reputation: 2975
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
My husband passed on March 6th after a 13 month battle with stage 4 renal cancer.

I sit here now and second guess every decision I made regarding his health care when he no longer could. if I did this instead of that he might still be here.

Back on Feb 23rd his MRI showed 4 new tumors on his brain, 2 of them 2 inches. They wanted to do full brain radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks and I said enough already, now I wonder if I made the right choice. Guess I will always second guess this.
I think you absolutely made the right choice. I agree with animalcrazy - nothing you would or could have done would have changed the inevitable outcome. I have been an R.N. for about 40 years and have seen many circumstances such as the one you describe with your husband. I have seen people make decisions that might have prolonged someone's life for a few weeks and most often those last few weeks of life are not good ones.

Let me say this again - you made the right decision! You absolutely did the right thing. I have no doubt about this at all. No matter what choice you made, you would have been second guessing yourself. That's just human nature. Please be gentle with yourself and realize that everything you did, you did out of love. I can tell that just by reading your short OP.

Please do take the time to grieve as you need to and try to stop worrying about the decisions and choices you made. I know it's hard to do that, but you deserve to not have that worry on top of everything else you are dealing with regarding the loss of your husband.

I am so very sorry that your husband died and that you are going through this painful part of your life. Hugs to you, Kate.
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:37 AM
 
Location: AZ
593 posts, read 305,018 times
Reputation: 2416
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
My husband passed on March 6th after a 13 month battle with stage 4 renal cancer.

I sit here now and second guess every decision I made regarding his health care when he no longer could. if I did this instead of that he might still be here.

Back on Feb 23rd his MRI showed 4 new tumors on his brain, 2 of them 2 inches. They wanted to do full brain radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks and I said enough already, now I wonder if I made the right choice. Guess I will always second guess this.
You showed mercy. The medical industry makes money from "doing stuff". They do not have to suffer the side effects and consequences.

I salute you and your decision. I hope my dear wife will have the same courage. I have a health directive but they are not ironclad.
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