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Old 03-19-2017, 11:24 AM
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,937 posts, read 24,071,180 times
Reputation: 10763


Originally Posted by Bygeorge View Post
You showed mercy. The medical industry makes money from "doing stuff". They do not have to suffer the side effects and consequences.

I salute you and your decision. I hope my dear wife will have the same courage. I have a health directive but they are not ironclad.
Sadly the hospice nurse said full brain radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks was at that point a pure money grab.
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Old 03-19-2017, 09:02 PM
3,964 posts, read 5,253,758 times
Reputation: 4554
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
That was my biggest fear. After consulting with radiologist I ran it by his oncologist who said you need to understand, full brain radiation for that duration is also going to "kill the good guys in the brain as well", thats when I decided he had enough and I promised him when he was still very lucid no heroics to keep him here.

There is a part of me that knows I made the right choice but also a nagging part that questions if I did everything I could.
My husband died of brain cancer, and for the most part, he made most of the medical decisions himself, or we did together, because the tumors did not impair his judgement. I am very grateful for that. But in the last month, as the tumors overcame the chemo and started to grow, he started losing lots of capabilities. I had to make the decisions for him. He had mentioned to me before that I should just "put him in a nursing home" when things got bad. But I always told him that I wanted him to be at home, with me, to the end. With the help of hospice, that is what happened. If he had been in a hospital, I think they could have kept him "alive" for a few more days. But as it was, he was himself until the end. No over-medication to make him drowsy. He had no pain, but gradually slipped away, even making a joke after we thought he was unconscious. He actually died when I was out of the room, which has made me feel a little bad, but I know that sort of thing happens often, and can't be helped. I have also been angry at myself that I didn't pick up earlier that he had a brain tumor; about 24 hours before his grand mal seizures, he had some signs that I missed. But of course, it would have made no difference in his outcome. So I try not to dwell on that. I think it is natural to sift back through all kinds of decisions to see if we made any mistakes and we can get a little obsessive about those that we are not sure about. But we all do the best we can. We make human decisions, and if we make them carefully, with love, then that's all that can be asked. You made a decision to do what seemed best for your husband. I think that is what counts. If you were well informed about the options and if your actions come from a place of love, then that's all we can ask of ourselves. Your husband, I'm sure, would not want you to suffer further pain because of this.
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Old 03-19-2017, 09:23 PM
4,861 posts, read 2,158,779 times
Reputation: 12380
Firstly, my condolences in your recent loss. Its the aftermath of retrospect that tailspins us grievers. the coulda shoulda ...woulda mindset.

I stayed in that frame of mind for the first year....in part because a law suit was in high gear for the hospitals negligence in care and medication.

Between the guilt, regrets and the public ostracizing for daring to challenge the medical team....I was one hot mess!

So yes....its normal....as others conveyed.....its a process and a path that is unique to each survivor.

Be kind to you.....the viewpoint will change an your heart will heal.....
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Old 03-21-2017, 08:01 AM
Location: AZ
593 posts, read 306,470 times
Reputation: 2426
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Sadly the hospice nurse said full brain radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks was at that point a pure money grab.
Yep. There is your answer.
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Old 03-25-2017, 06:43 PM
Location: northeast USA
3 posts, read 1,970 times
Reputation: 25
I am sorry for your loss. Please dont blame yourself
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Old 03-30-2017, 06:58 PM
Location: Richmond
1,415 posts, read 701,871 times
Reputation: 1529
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
My husband passed on March 6th after a 13 month battle with stage 4 renal cancer.

I sit here now and second guess every decision I made regarding his health care when he no longer could. if I did this instead of that he might still be here.

Back on Feb 23rd his MRI showed 4 new tumors on his brain, 2 of them 2 inches. They wanted to do full brain radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks and I said enough already, now I wonder if I made the right choice. Guess I will always second guess this.

I can understanding seconding guessing your self.

My first wife died of Acute Bronchial Pneumonia, I went to work at 3PM and she was fine, when I can home at midnight she had already died.

I live close enough to work that I am able to go home on my lunch hour. During this time on occasion I would stay at work and either play a game on my laptop, or listen to a chapter in a Audio Book in my car.

The night my first wife died, I choose to stay at work, I did take a break, but I did not go home, part of me has always wondered if I had gone home would she still have been alive, could I have saved her.

According to the medical examiner's report she had already been dead for at least 6 hours when I got home at midnight. That would have been at least 2 to 3 hours before I would have normally taken a lunch break. but I still feel guilty for staying at work that night instead of going home.

Most likely I would have still come home to find her gone, it just would have meant, that she was not lying their for as many hours before being found.

It still hurts and that was almost 9 years ago.
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