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Old 03-19-2017, 09:35 AM
 
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My mom died when I was 18 and she was only 35.I didn't cry when I heard she had passed away.I felt nothing.I was in denial for while,hoping it was just a dream and the next day I will wake up and she will be still here.It didn't hit me until I was in my early 20's.That is when I busted into tears suddenly.Since then,i'm fine for the most part but I occasionally burst into tears then it goes away.

However, I'm now 31 and finding myself properly grieving for her death. I'm constantly crying and find myself fighting back the tears when I'm out in public and at work. I'm missing her more now and wishing she was still here.I'm longing to talk to her but she is long gone looking at her last pictures she sent makes me

The thing is,she died back home in Africa so I wasn't able to attend her funeral nor have I visited her grave.We learned about her death few months after she passed so I never got to say goodbye.She apparently tried to get hold of us in her last days but failed because we had no access to phones,facebook,skype at that time. I also feel guilty and a deep regret for not making an effort to stay in contact with her when she was still alive

Will I ever feel better?Will the pain ever go away?
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Old 03-19-2017, 10:51 AM
 
Location: I'm out searching for me... If you see me, let me know... ;--)
3,277 posts, read 1,703,541 times
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((MissmamaAnnie))

I'm so sorry for your loss. I believe it will get better. It takes time. I'm sorry you're facing this. It is not easy.

My father disowned my sisters and I when we were 14, 18, 19 (my age) & 21. We were estranged fof 30 years. We connected again 2 years before he died but he had dementia. This was two years ago.

Editting to clarify my thoughts...

18 is an age that is critical to a young person's development. I dealt with it in denial. I had to so I could get on with business of growing up. Later when I grew and was stronger, the grief process continued.

Let your feelings come. This is normal but it is so very hard! It is different for every person. You're moving out of denial and in the long run is good for you.

Are you able to talk with family or friends? Have you looked into a grief counselor? You deserve to have support and a counselor could give you that support.

This will always be part of you but I think the pain will lessen. And in time, with support of others and dealing with this, ending the phrase of denial- as hard as that is, the pain will lesson and will not have the hold on you as it does now

Be patient with yourself. Best wishes.

For the question, will the pain go away? We cannot know the future and every person is different. That said, by accepting this part of the journey of the grief process, I believe you can get to the other side of your pain.

I hope other posters will tell their stories too. Give them time and I'm sure they will share.

Last edited by Wild Flower; 03-19-2017 at 11:59 AM..
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Chicago
823 posts, read 1,285,919 times
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I'm very sorry. Do you think it's feasible for you ever to go to Africa and visit her grave? It might give you the closure you need. You never got to say to goodbye to her and actually seeing her resting spot my help you come to terms with her death..
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Old 03-19-2017, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,842 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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I don't usually suggest counseling based upon a single post, but there are flags in yours that let me know you could use some help from someone really knowledgeable in working through the issues, which may involve more than what appears on the surface of your post. Having a flesh and blood person to talk with openly could be important.
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Old 03-19-2017, 12:33 PM
 
Location: WA
865 posts, read 398,941 times
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It's not unusual to have a delayed reaction to losing a family member. I lost my mother while in my 3rd year of college consumed with studies and working part time. In a way I felt that I couldn't afford to take time off to grieve.

Also, while she was dying of cancer over a year, never once did I see HER cry. During that time I felt like I wanted to cry but couldn't. So I had constant feelings of being "choked up" but did not let it go. That would have been a sign of weakness in my mind at the time.

It took about a year after her death for me to realize that something was wrong. I would start crying for no reason while doing anything and everything. I felt that I had to ignore any emotions that came up in order to get through final year exams and start looking for work.

Looking back I think that I did serious damage to myself by not seeking counseling of some sort. I was never comfortable with expressing emotions to begin with, and felt that I just had to "deal with it" and move on.
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Old 03-19-2017, 12:51 PM
 
619 posts, read 323,570 times
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Many hugs to you.

What you are feeling is normal for your situation. In general when a family member passes, we can have delayed reaction and/or later events will trigger emotions. You are very close to the age that your mom was when she passed. It's very normal to have those feelings now.

My mom passed when I was in my 20s, I am 56. I am three years older than she was when she died. Even though it had been close to thirty years, when I was turning 53, it was a very weird time -questions like "an I going to die this year" and "am I having similar experiences" and "how can I be older than her" all popped into my head.

You don't mention counseling so I don't know if you have been through that, but I think that some grief counseling could help you.
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Old 03-19-2017, 06:30 PM
 
511 posts, read 446,507 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kgordeeva View Post
I'm very sorry. Do you think it's feasible for you ever to go to Africa and visit her grave? It might give you the closure you need. You never got to say to goodbye to her and actually seeing her resting spot my help you come to terms with her death..
Yes,my sister and I are planning to visit her grave in the near future. My uncle (my mom's brother)keep urging us to see her resting spot and that it is important we do.
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:49 PM
 
15,824 posts, read 18,434,141 times
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It will lessen eventually. Part of your pain seems to be guilt. I'd like to comfort you about possible guilt....You were young, things certainly were not under your control. Take comfort that your Mom tried to call, she obviously wanted to speak to you and your family.

As a young 18 year old, you didn't realize how important your Mom was, perhaps in part because she was away from you for whatever reason. You also were trying to understand your feelings, and it seems you weren't able to work those out then.

Now as you are maturing, you are looking back and realizing what you were too young to realize then, and you obviously are grieving and sorrowful now, because you are simply able to have real perspective now.

I think for me it helps when I talk to my family that has passed. It may sound a bit nutsy to some, but it truly comforts me. After all, we really don't know what the afterlife is....but, if it comforts you....talk to your Mom, tell her now what you weren't able to tell her then.

Hopefully someday you'll be able to travel to where her resting place is, and it may give you more closure.

I am sorry that you lost your Mom.
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Old 03-19-2017, 07:52 PM
 
Location: Chicago
823 posts, read 1,285,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissmamaAnnie View Post
Yes,my sister and I are planning to visit her grave in the near future. My uncle (my mom's brother)keep urging us to see her resting spot and that it is important we do.
Good for you
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Old 03-20-2017, 07:45 AM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,377,851 times
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Your symptoms are classic for clinical depression. The bursting into tears in a store for no reason, for example. There may be other physical issues going on.

You may be assuming it's grief over your mother but I would suggest you visit a psychologist AND medical doctor.
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