U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-24-2017, 02:18 PM
 
4,940 posts, read 2,565,618 times
Reputation: 21951

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
at some point we marry, get engaged , have babies, is everyone responsible for that too or not...and why at funerals does almost everyone come out with the same words.....IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, knowing full well that person would never ask... its fake. just read that they do it in Japan its called Koden....
I don't think it is fake when someone says if you need anything at all--that does not necessary mean to dig in their pockets.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Everyone will die at some point and it is not the responsibility of anyone else to pay for their funeral. Being prepared for the future departing should be a priority for everyone no matter what age they are.
In reality though if you wish to give the family money that is your choice to do so, just don't expect others to willingly follow your choice.
Being prepared for the future...should be a priority for everyone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-24-2017, 02:48 PM
 
8,218 posts, read 8,501,765 times
Reputation: 10183
Actually, apparently funerals aren't necessarily that expensive. What happens is that people let themselves be gulled and guilty-tripped.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 04:51 PM
 
9,272 posts, read 7,295,540 times
Reputation: 22765
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
at some point we marry, get engaged , have babies, is everyone responsible for that too or not..and why at funerals does almost everyone come out with the same words.....IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, knowing full well that person would never ask... its fake. just read that they do it in Japan its called Koden....
It's not fake. If I make a sincere offer to help and the other person is too prideful to take me up on the offer, how is that my fault? If I am close to the person and had knowledge of a special need, I would just give them the money.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 05:11 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,566 posts, read 42,724,437 times
Reputation: 57229
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
I live in MN, too. I can't ever remember NOT bringing a card with money in it to a memorial service or funeral. In fact I'm surprised that this isn't common practice.

There are times when the family will request money be donated to a specific organization, though.

And I don't believe that everyone who says they want to help is lying. The best way to do this is to wait a couple of months when things have slowed down and lots of mourners have gone back to their daily routines. I think that's the time when loved ones may feel the most alone and appreciative of a visit. During the visit is when you get the opportunity to discuss the various ways you can be of assistance. Trying to do that at a funeral doesn't work too well.

Say it then and follow through later, right?
I have never, ever, brought money to a funeral, or known of this happening.
In my experience, folks actually know they are going to die, and make sure that their funeral, or whatever eventual expenses entail, are arranged for.

I agree with you, though, that if someone says they want to help, they really mean it, and would be glad if the bereaved would just tell them what they need.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 05:41 PM
Status: "Can kindness win?" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Here and now.
10,382 posts, read 2,816,810 times
Reputation: 11121
I'm not sure what the custom is in Glasgow, but in the US, it's pretty common for people to come over with food, help with child care if the deceased is a parent, and yes, sometimes bring money if they know that the funeral costs are a burden to the family. The friend who brings a hot meal may have taken food from their own table to provide it, and the neighbor who comes over to help straighten the house could possibly have taken a day off of work. I think most people do help, to the best of their ability.

Also, did it occur to you that those people who said "let us know if there is anything we can do" may have actually meant it? I know there are people who make such promises falsely, but I don't believe for a moment that all of them do. Sometimes you have to make your needs known to have them met. If someone asks how they can help, I see no shame in telling them.

As for gifts, well...most people associate them with happy occasions, I guess.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 05:55 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,816,014 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
at some point we marry, get engaged , have babies, is everyone responsible for that too or not..and why at funerals does almost everyone come out with the same words.....IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, knowing full well that person would never ask... its fake. just read that they do it in Japan its called Koden....
Not everything is so dramatic, you missed the entire point and I why would I care what happens in Japan.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 07:42 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,249,971 times
Reputation: 4554
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
i was just thinking about funerals and how expensive they are and how some families have to scramble money together if the death was a young person or unexepected.... There are always the hand holders who say.. "if theres anything I can do.. anything at all just call on me", what utter tosh.... why not shove fifty quid in along with the sympathy card to help the grieving family instead of false sentiment... My aunt was left quite poor after my uncles death and some men from his Buffalo club came to the house, He had been in the Bufflaloes most of his life.... and they came away with the same old song.... "Now Mrs Brown, if you need anything at all phone the club". now she would have been the last person to phone his club as he drank there all his life and made it his first home.. Why couldnt they have helped her out then and there.. it was pathetic and it does ease stress if people are struggling with money problems, Im all for giving to the grieving family rather than showing up with big fancy wedding , birthday and christening presents.. Any views on this..
These offers are lacking two things, In my opinion:
1. The person offering might be more successful at giving help if they say, for example, "you know I'm an insurance broker. If there is paperwork you are having trouble with, I could help." or "The Buffaloes could make a schedule of doing your lawn and yard work." Suggesting areas in which you have resources to help is much more useful than just an "anything you need" statement.
2. The grieving person needs to think about what help is needed and say that. "I could use some help with -______." Or "Could you help me find someone to fix the roof" etc.

If both sides will actually talk to each other, there is help to be given.

Early in my husband's illness, an old friend called me. She asked if I had accepted help. I said no, even though many people in my church had offered. She said that if I turn back their offers of help, I am denying them the chance to put their faith into action, to live what they believe. I thought about that, and it seemed reasonable to me. So I started thinking about what would help us during that time of caregiving, and later, during the time of grief. And I started saying yes. And people were right there. They did actually want to help. In fact, I don't know how I could have made it through without all the help I got. If we are to be a true community, we need to both give and accept help.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 07:46 PM
 
5,172 posts, read 2,998,481 times
Reputation: 17656
Things have changed so much in farming these days that I don't know if this is done any more. When I was younger, in the heartland, if it were planting time or harvest time and a neighbor died a group of neighbors would often do that for the family so their year's income was secured.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 07:57 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,052,184 times
Reputation: 20460
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
at some point we marry, get engaged , have babies, is everyone responsible for that too or not..and why at funerals does almost everyone come out with the same words.....IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, knowing full well that person would never ask... its fake. just read that they do it in Japan its called Koden....
No, everyone does NOT get married, get engaged, or have babies! I paid for my own wedding. Been married over 20 years and I don't have children. Don't plan on it either. If I had them, they would be MY responsibility. Who else would pay for them?

Needing anything can mean a variety of things - a shoulder to lean on, a ride (not everyone has a license or car), raking the leaves, mowing the lawn, recommending a good estate attorney, babysitting, etc. Why does it have to be money? Most people don't have any money! They live paycheck to paycheck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-24-2017, 08:05 PM
 
11,624 posts, read 5,465,637 times
Reputation: 11000
Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
I don't think it is fake when someone says if you need anything at all--that does not necessary mean to dig in their pockets.


but they usually don't mean it. Many people said that to me when my mother died. They didn't mean it.

I never felt so alone in my life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top