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Old 03-28-2017, 06:28 PM
 
Location: NYC
1,468 posts, read 922,574 times
Reputation: 3323

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When my wife died one of her friends said that she knew how I felt because she was divorced. I let it slide because she meant well. Now I'll tell you, OP, what I wanted to tell her.

There is a great difference between being divorced and widowed. Divorced people can still see and speak with their ex-spouse. Some get together with their ex for sex. We who are widowed will never again see or hear or touch our spouses.

Until you lose a spouse to death you will NEVER know.

Widowed people know not to make big changes in the first year.Despite that, rebound situations still happen. Thay happen after breakups and divorces, too. That's a relationship issue, not exclusively an issue of the widowed. Please think twice next time you decide to advise widowed people.
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:19 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,863 posts, read 51,373,474 times
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5-all, I caution you that you are extrapolating from your experience and then generalizing that to everyone. Every path is different.

As rough as the death of my wife was, the love and mutual caring made it less traumatic than the break from my first mate. So, having experienced both, my assessment stands that the OP contains some wisdom. I don't deny your experiences in the slightest, nor do I read into the OP more than generalized advice that has been shown to have value. The OP doesn't appear to be a dictum to me or anything to take offense to.
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:35 PM
 
Location: NYC
1,468 posts, read 922,574 times
Reputation: 3323
Sorry for both your losses, Harry.
I do agree that OPs generalized advice is valuable I question her choice to place it in this subforum when it applies many others.

Last edited by 5-all; 03-28-2017 at 07:45 PM..
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:54 PM
 
2,953 posts, read 1,394,375 times
Reputation: 5292
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Thank you....

when a very dear and loving friend of mine died, her husband came to me, near the end, before she passed, and said, "I can't live alone Creme". I said nothing, but wanted to....

He married very quickly and surely didn't marry the woman his wife was. She was the complete opposite of his wife....the sad part is, both of them suffered for years....he didn't need a paycheck....he barely had time to grieve....he expected marriage to be, just like it was with his first wife, and it wasn't nor could it ever be.
You described my father. The one who suffered the most - was me. I was a young child, the women he married didn't want a kid to raise. They had been there done that. Don't blame them. But I wish they had some integrity and moved on.

But my dad's money and what he could offer was too good to pass up.

You don't replace a spouse. Everyone comes with a different personality and baggage.

2 horrible short marriages, thank God he had prenups in a time when they were rare. One was a year, the other 2.
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Old 03-28-2017, 08:17 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,594 posts, read 17,678,523 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 5-all View Post
Sorry for both your losses, Harry.
I do agree that OPs generalized advice is valuable I question her choice to place it in this subforum when it applies many others.
That's the thing right there.


That would be like me, going to a divorce forum and giving them advice. Or not having kids and going to Parenting forum and giving advice.

My husband and I have discussed the huge differences between divorce and death, and there are some huge chasms between the two, with a few bridges to bind them.

I'm not even claiming death is worse, finding out your spouse is unfaithful, leaves you and lives happily ever after is it's own kind of horrible.

Death felt like my soul had been amputated. He was young and thought to be healthy.

And if memory serves, the OP was the one to choose divorce, so that is a larger disconnect.
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Last edited by Mikala43; 03-28-2017 at 10:22 PM..
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Old 03-29-2017, 04:58 AM
 
25,475 posts, read 23,300,409 times
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I didn't mean to insult anyone here, nor to say that my situation was worse than anyone else's. That would be insensitive and cruel.

My intention was to open a thread and try to help others perhaps....I've lost my mother and very close and dear friends to cancer, but it cannot be compared to losing a spouse.

I unable go into my situation, but what I can say, I was forced to choose divorce & leave....and came very close to a breakdown over it.

The pain of loss and of betrayal was indescribable. When my councilor asked me how I felt, there were no words I could find to describe what I felt or was going thru. She finished her question to me, by saying "it was like a death, wasn't it" ...and went on to describe to me further.

Losing the person you love to death must be the most God Awful, worst thing imaginable, but, she explained, losing a spouse to divorce comes in a close second.

He and I never saw each other again, or had dinner together, or laughed together ever again....I didn't think I'd make it without him. I loved and trusted him with my heart, with my entire being. I never saw our closest friends and neighbors again, as I didn't want to put them in a situation where they felt they had to chose sides.

In divorce, you grieve a loss of an entire family, a home, friends, of love and trust itself...and due to that unexplainable pain, I never married again, nor dated. Never, ever wanted to feel that kind of pain again and to this day, although I've wanted to, 23 some years later, I haven't been able to drive back there to even visit friends that I'm still in contact with. I can't and won't.

I am not comparing my pain to anyone's here....or saying mine was worse....what the premise of my post was that after my sister lost her husband, I was her closest mentor...and she described to me, her pain, her loss, and that she wasn't going to make any decisions for a while as she needed time to think...to learn how to be alone, to mourn the loss of the love of her life, her entire world was forced out of her life, and it changed in an instant, and she needed to get thru the pain of it all, regain control somehow, and the grief counselor, suggested to her, to not make any decisions for at least a year, or maybe more, so that her decisions would be rational....and not out of pain, hurt or anger. That is the message I wanted to share here....with everyone who has lost a spouse. To please take the time you needed to be alone, to learn to live alone, to think, to learn to live without that same routine, that was your life. To learn to smile again, but most of all, to not feel guilty for living or smiling again, for someday, enjoying life again. He or she would want you to.

I want to extend my apologies, if I hurt anyone, which was certainly far from my intent....nor did I ever think that my pain was worse then any of yours....

I never thought anyone would take offense or be hurt by my words. Honestly!

I'm actually very sad, that I've hurt anyone here by posting this and ask your forgiveness. I'm very, very sorry.
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Old 03-29-2017, 05:24 AM
 
Location: In a house
21,902 posts, read 20,911,959 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
First, I'd like to say, to anyone who is reading this....
I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you are healing and beginning to see light again.

I remember when I lost my husband, not to death, but to divorce, which was very much like a death, and sitting on my back porch 2 years later, and noticed that I started to see color again. (I was in a very dark place for a while)

Anyway, I just wanted to interject some thoughts, both from experience, and watching friends make the same mistake. Seems like when we lose our partners, our first instinct is to get out there and replace that person b/c

1. We fear being alone
2. We are brainwashed by society that we need to be a couple to be successful
3. We so desperately miss the structure we had in being a couple.
4. We miss and mourn the routine that we had as a couple
5. We so miss that warm body next to us at night

and due to this, including myself, some of us feel like we must go out and replace that loss, b/c we're so accustomed to routine, and actually believe we cannot live without someone by our side.

But we can....and I did....

I've seen a lot of men especially, try and replace their wives right away, and in that there is great danger of jumping into something that isn't all that good for us.

Please don't be over come by desperation, and loss, so much so, that you try and fill that empty place in your heart right away...your doing an injustice to yourself and to the person your trying to start a new with.
It is very unfair to both of you to try and do so.

Your not ready to date....you need to be alone, and go thru that grieving period for yourself and you cannot put a time limit on it.

I remember talking with a woman who went thru divorce, and I asked her, when that pain goes away....she told me, it was 3 years before she could even start thinking about dating again.

when that 3 years arrived, well, let me just say, that it took longer for me...dating others didn't take the pain of loss away. And I surely wasn't in love with him any longer, but I mourned just the same.

I started going places on my own, to movies, out to eat, weekend getaways, and moved onto vacations alone. It was difficult, but in time, I learned to create things to do, for myself, that I never did before, to give me something to look forward to. You need to do that. Please.

I had a very good friend who passed away....her husband went right out and married another woman, and for him that was a big mistake. He thought marriage with her was going to be just like it was with his ex. He didn't give himself time, to mourn. It caused him great pain and sorrow down the road, not to mention the woman he married, plus all their kids....so, please do not do that.

I hope this helps someone.

Thanks for taking the time to read.
I appreciate your thread and agree. Thank you for sharing!
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Old 03-29-2017, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,945 posts, read 24,074,385 times
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I just lost my husband 3 weeks ago and the loss I feel does not even remotely compare to the loss through divorce I had 30 years ago, it's not the same at all.
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Old 03-29-2017, 08:05 AM
 
25,475 posts, read 23,300,409 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I just lost my husband 3 weeks ago and the loss I feel does not even remotely compare to the loss through divorce I had 30 years ago, it's not the same at all.
I am very very sorry njkate for the loss and pain you are presently forced to go through, and hope with time, you will heal. I'm so sorry.
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Old 03-29-2017, 08:07 AM
 
Location: In a house
21,902 posts, read 20,911,959 times
Reputation: 14822
njkate, my loss feels very different too. I had a divorce about 30 years back and then lost my husband to ALS 2 years ago. The loneliness is what I was agreeing with. I am working very hard on that but it is not easy!
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