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Old 03-29-2017, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,945 posts, read 24,078,689 times
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I understand what Creme was trying to convey, but truth be told for some of us divorce was not a loss, but a huge relief that a bad mistake was now over. At least in my case that is how I felt.
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Old 03-29-2017, 08:33 AM
 
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Cremebrulee - Thank you for sharing your story.

Your pain is your pian, we can't really compare.

I have lost a fiance' to a car accident a couple weeks before marriage. A friend told me she was jealous of how I lost him. She stood at the alter and her coward never showed. UGH! Oh I got it, mine didn't go on and have another life with someone else. He didn't leave by choice.

I've not been divorced but would agree its probably worse than death. the former loved one we trusted with our heart is still out there living life. By dying they didn't leave cause of choice.

Who knows, everyone's pain is different.
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Old 03-29-2017, 09:17 AM
 
Location: No
467 posts, read 229,263 times
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Cremebrulee discussed one aspect of widowhood that applies to many surviving spouses and some divorced folks. IMO, it is a useful reminder. Although I have already passed the stage of possibly making the error she describes, I recognize her advice as useful, from my own experience. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jertheber View Post
After three and a half years I was open to dating and loved the companionship of having dinner with various nice ladies who were looking for the same things I was, conversation, dinner, just spending time with someone and getting used to the dating scene after thirty five years of not. I eventually met a wonderful gal who also lost her spouse to cancer, we both were in that club and automatically knew the stress of each others lives during those difficult times. Been married six years now and loving the life we both chose to live, we're old and know the risks of going through the loss of a spouse again, but life is to be lived as though we have no time left---because, there really isn't much time left.
Thank you. I am just past one and a half years, and it is useful to me to know that I may not be "behind the curve," as some people say.
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Old 03-30-2017, 07:45 AM
 
25,476 posts, read 23,306,218 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I understand what Creme was trying to convey, but truth be told for some of us divorce was not a loss, but a huge relief that a bad mistake was now over. At least in my case that is how I felt.
well, I can look at it that way now, but back they, oy vy?

Very bad mistake.
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Old 03-30-2017, 07:49 AM
 
25,476 posts, read 23,306,218 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foundapeanut View Post
Cremebrulee - Thank you for sharing your story.

Your pain is your pian, we can't really compare.

I have lost a fiance' to a car accident a couple weeks before marriage. A friend told me she was jealous of how I lost him. She stood at the alter and her coward never showed. UGH! Oh I got it, mine didn't go on and have another life with someone else. He didn't leave by choice.

I've not been divorced but would agree its probably worse than death. the former loved one we trusted with our heart is still out there living life. By dying they didn't leave cause of choice.

Who knows, everyone's pain is different.
thank you but honestly don't believe it can be compared to loosing a spouse to death....really I don't....I believe loosing someone you love and were in a great relationship with, has got to be so painstakingly tragic....

What I wanted to convey and stress the parallal similarity, is afterwards when we're single....and wanted to ask people to take their time to grieve, to mourn the loss, to council with others and not make quick decisions....when my sister lost her hubby, to cancer, she told me, that it is best to wait a year before making any decisions. And that is what I wished to convey, not the other part.

and yes, everyone's pain is so completely different, so are the circumstances.
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Old 03-30-2017, 07:56 AM
 
25,476 posts, read 23,306,218 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cynwldkat View Post
njkate, my loss feels very different too. I had a divorce about 30 years back and then lost my husband to ALS 2 years ago. The loneliness is what I was agreeing with. I am working very hard on that but it is not easy!
It is difficult at first, yes, very lonely, but rest assure, when you work at it, it slowly lessons.

I had a neighbor who had just moved into our community. She had just lost her hubby to heart failure. She was a mess....and we talked a lot. She actually shook and she went to grief counseling, which to me, was good for her but not good for everyone. I had told her what a friend told me. "I know this sounds crazy and you will feel like you probably will never get there, but, (the longer your alone, the more you enjoy it) Last year, she told me I was right....now this might not work for everyone, but....it may work for some.

you have to keep yourself busy, get in touch with old friends, and friends from school....plan dinner out maybe twice a month. We used to go out every Friday Night for dinner together. It was fun. Now my schedule only allows me to go twice a month if that. As each gal lost her hubby, in my community, we'd invite them to go along and if they were not ready, we'd tell them they were always welcome. Then we'd check back in with that gal, in a few weeks.

What we did was take turns....if it is your turn, you pic the restaurant, and drive. Then we went back to your house for coffee or a drink, which ever. Next week it's someone else's turn. It was really fun and gave us all something to look forward to.

but make plans to do things, to give yourself something to look forward to. I started going out to eat alone, (I love going out to eat) and yes, it's hard at first.....started going to movies alone, then started booking weekends away, then planned a 14 day vacation on an island by myself. It can be done...there isn't anything you can't do, if you try.

Sending hugs.....
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Old 03-30-2017, 03:06 PM
 
Location: San Francisco
15,826 posts, read 4,941,864 times
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I mentioned this thread and the reactions some people had to my friend, a retired psychologist. She said that it is not helpful to say "my pain is worse than yours" because we are all unique and experience emotions in different ways. We can never know how another person feels or to make meaningful comparisons. If a divorce feels like death to the OP, I am not going to question that.

Last year I lost a dear friend, Jeff. I never met him in person as he lived in Wales, but we'd known each other online for 10 years and in some ways we were closer to each other than to our spouses. His wife was incapable of being a full partner due to mental illness and my husband has some severe limitations (but that's a story for another thread).

Jeff and I met on a forum dedicated to a common interest of ours, classic film. We developed an affectionate friendship, messaged each other several times daily for 10 years and were planning to meet someday, but only if we were both free to do so. We gave each other the understanding and emotional support that neither of us could get at home and truly enjoyed each other's company.

Briefly, I'll just say that my reaction to his death was extreme shock and grief. Not to be gross, but the waves of emotion went straight to my digestive system and I had to run to the bathroom. My first thought was "If he's dead, I want to die, too." No other death has ever affected me that way, not even my father's, mother's and brother's. And I grieved for Jeff just as hard, if not harder. It's been six months, and I am only now starting to feel a little better and stop crying and thinking about suicide every day. Jeff meant that much to me.

What I'm getting at is that because of this experience I understand what the OP was saying, and I don't think it's helpful to judge other people's grief or compare because we can never know what anyone else's emotional life feels like from the inside.
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Old 04-24-2017, 09:54 AM
 
1,331 posts, read 3,534,158 times
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Just read this thread. Am entering fourth year of widowhood and am taken aback how raw everything still is. So was interested in this forum. To add my two cents..I think the point of which is worse or whether divorce or death are the same is immaterial and unfair to the OP. She feels that she is mourning and in grief and I would think there could be a welcome for her here. Her advice was for anyone who suffered a loss of a partner. It was an opinion, and it was given in the spirit of we are all in this together. The advice would fit either situation and to chase away a person suffering terrible pain because she doesn't have the requisite cause is a bit unkind in my opinion. The actual discussion should be about whether her advice is good or not.
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Old 04-24-2017, 10:22 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,130 posts, read 3,944,191 times
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I married at 18 to a guy 6 years older. We divorced after just 3 years, both of us to blame but I asked for the divorce. Thankfully we had no children from that marriage. The pain I felt was horrible because he was my first real love. Then there was the stigma back then of being divorced at 21, seeing him out somewhere with a new love.


But I met and married again at 29 in 1984. Lost him in 2010. It was a different kind of pain, knowing I would never see, touch or smell him again. I would go in his closet and just smell his clothes. I feel like in a divorce you sometimes have the mixed emotions of hate and love. When you lose your spouse to death you will never see them again, at least not in this lifetime.


Since we all experience loss of any kind differently we can't really say divorce is worse than a death or vice versa.
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Old 04-24-2017, 12:05 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,175 posts, read 16,540,278 times
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Excellent advice, Creme. I wish you'd have been around 20 years ago to force feed me your OP. I'm still suffering from my actions following my late wife's death. I thought maybe I could run, run, run away from the pain. I had to do something, yanno. It felt like my insides had been ripped out -- no soul, no nothing but that total emptiness.

I thought a warm body in bed next to me would help. And it did help for a few hours, but then it just made things more complicated. Still, I tried it over and over and over. I went through more than $1 million in just a few years... running, running, running. I eventually ran out of money, but my credit.... Oh my, I had great credit! I know I had well over $300K on my credit cards at one point, and no money to pay them off. I had to sell or refinance most all my investments -- my retirement investments -- just to pay off my credit cards and loans.

All that running? It just made me feel more empty. My late wife and I enjoyed traveling very much, but without her there to share the new experiences... I was in a vacuum.

I lived through it, or at least the worst of it (I hope), but following your advice would have made a huge difference.

There's no need to apologize for trying to help others. Those who don't see the similarities between divorce and death aren't seeing the whole picture. Divorce IS the official death of a marriage. Some marriages were dead years before the divorce papers were filed (my first marriage), so there was little left to morn. Others, like yours, are more similar.
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