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Old 04-24-2017, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,702 posts, read 21,750,727 times
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I agree with Tama. Grief is grief. My grandmother--the only grandparent I'd known--died when I was 8. My dog died when I was 10. That dog was one of my best friends. In my 20s, split with the guy I thought I was going to marry. That was bad. My best friend since I was about 12 or 13 dumped me after I married because she didn't like my husband. Really? My eldest brother commit suicide when he was terminally ill. Thing is, he was living in another country, so we didn't know he was sick. Quite a shock. My husband died in his 50s. That wasn't supposed to happen. I know what killed him. The report said massive, multiple infections and organ failure. That's not what had been plaguing him for 2 years, but none of the specialists had an answer. Very unsatisfying.

Grief is grief. My sister-in-law was inconsolable when her hamster died. She'd divorced two years earlier and that pet was her constant companion. I'll never say that one thing is worse than another. Death, betrayal, and abandonment are all awful. I've experienced all of them, so my vote counts.
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Old 04-25-2017, 05:36 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
Excellent advice, Creme. I wish you'd have been around 20 years ago to force feed me your OP. I'm still suffering from my actions following my late wife's death. I thought maybe I could run, run, run away from the pain. I had to do something, yanno. It felt like my insides had been ripped out -- no soul, no nothing but that total emptiness.

I thought a warm body in bed next to me would help. And it did help for a few hours, but then it just made things more complicated. Still, I tried it over and over and over. I went through more than $1 million in just a few years... running, running, running. I eventually ran out of money, but my credit.... Oh my, I had great credit! I know I had well over $300K on my credit cards at one point, and no money to pay them off. I had to sell or refinance most all my investments -- my retirement investments -- just to pay off my credit cards and loans.

All that running? It just made me feel more empty. My late wife and I enjoyed traveling very much, but without her there to share the new experiences... I was in a vacuum.

I lived through it, or at least the worst of it (I hope), but following your advice would have made a huge difference.

There's no need to apologize for trying to help others. Those who don't see the similarities between divorce and death aren't seeing the whole picture. Divorce IS the official death of a marriage. Some marriages were dead years before the divorce papers were filed (my first marriage), so there was little left to morn. Others, like yours, are more similar.
I'm sorry for anyone who has experienced this....

I know the pain you speak of....it's difficult to explain, but it is an emptiness deep within the soul....there when you go to sleep and there when you wake up, it never goes away, it's a sort of dis-shelving of your internal spirit...there was nothing left. No matter what you did, where you go, or who your with, does not make that pain better. Only time nurtures you back to life....I remember when I first saw colors again. It was the death of all that I knew, the routine, taking care of someone, caring and loving someone, that warmth at night in bed...I didn't even know who I was any longer...and yes, a very sad and empty vacuum. Depression and felt like life chewed you up and spit you out...and there you were left standing all alone.

I'm so so glad your better...it's hard work...as you know....but can be accomplished....my thoughts and prayer go out to anyone who loses a spouse, child, parent, it is a part of life, that was missing, completely gone, was my whole purpose.

So, since then, I've seen so many friends, including men, who have lost their wives, and had married again, to replace her, which is the wrong thing to do. You need time to grieve. I know, very well, how we are ripped into making ourselves believe that we need to be a couple, but no matter who you end up with, in the end, it isn't going to be anything like that person you lost...no where near....but we aren't able to understand that until we actually go thru the pain and process of loss.

And I'm not at all stating that my pain was worse than anyone else's as I'm not comparing and never would. What I'm saying is, there has to be similarities, for some of us....in how we deal with the aftermath of loss. Not to mention, when I was counseling, my counselor said, when discussing my inner feelings about the loss, that it must be like a death. And it was, regardless of who left who....or why, it was the death of a marriage....which to me, was a huge part of my life source and beliefs.

so, while reading another thread, I was reminded of this again, and thought it might help some people who have lost a spouse....

I hope and pray for all of you...please, don't make any life decisions for a long time, don't sell anything, properties, or make any huge changes until you have time to grieve, and each of us, grieve in our own ways, no one can put a time limit on it....do not expect so much of yourselves....allow yourself time, as much as it takes, and then pick yourself up, and get on with life, b/c God as my witness, the spouse you lost would be very upset with you if you didn't. It's ok to live again, to laugh again, and to love again, especially the gift of life you were given. Don't ever feel guilty...for doing so.

Love
Creme
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Old 04-25-2017, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,838 posts, read 1,163,727 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
I agree with Tama. Grief is grief. My grandmother--the only grandparent I'd known--died when I was 8. My dog died when I was 10. That dog was one of my best friends. In my 20s, split with the guy I thought I was going to marry. That was bad. My best friend since I was about 12 or 13 dumped me after I married because she didn't like my husband. Really? My eldest brother commit suicide when he was terminally ill. Thing is, he was living in another country, so we didn't know he was sick. Quite a shock. My husband died in his 50s. That wasn't supposed to happen. I know what killed him. The report said massive, multiple infections and organ failure. That's not what had been plaguing him for 2 years, but none of the specialists had an answer. Very unsatisfying.

Grief is grief. My sister-in-law was inconsolable when her hamster died. She'd divorced two years earlier and that pet was her constant companion. I'll never say that one thing is worse than another. Death, betrayal, and abandonment are all awful. I've experienced all of them, so my vote counts.

Amen. Trying to compare levels of grief is meaningless and futile. I too speak from multiple experiences.
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Old 04-26-2017, 04:29 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,098 posts, read 3,923,269 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tama View Post
Just read this thread. Am entering fourth year of widowhood and am taken aback how raw everything still is. So was interested in this forum. To add my two cents..I think the point of which is worse or whether divorce or death are the same is immaterial and unfair to the OP. She feels that she is mourning and in grief and I would think there could be a welcome for her here. Her advice was for anyone who suffered a loss of a partner. It was an opinion, and it was given in the spirit of we are all in this together. The advice would fit either situation and to chase away a person suffering terrible pain because she doesn't have the requisite cause is a bit unkind in my opinion. The actual discussion should be about whether her advice is good or not.


Wow! You must be one of the nicest people on CD and like a breath of fresh air. Thank you!
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Old 05-23-2017, 11:23 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,327,697 times
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I've been through divorce from a spouse of 25 years who left me for another. Eight days ago I lost my wife to pneumonia after five years of friendship and 20.5 years of marriage. The feelings brought on by these occurrences have been very different.

In the first case which she made very nasty with no need or reason to do so, when all was said and done I wanted to send her a thank you card for leaving me.

The loss of My Peggy to death is nothing I will ever celebrate will always leave a hole in my heart and in my life. I love, cherish and adore her and always will.

Cremebrulee, as for the rest I will not do anything foolish or make any major decisions. Among them, eventual remarriage will never happen. For one thing I'm 70 years old and know that no one could ever replace my wife. For another, I consider myself still married to her and always will. I continue to wear my wedding band and it's never coming off. Lastly, I am quite capable of taking care of myself, our home and our rescue cat who brought her a great deal of joy as he does for me. I'm also quite a good cook and do so in several languages. I've been cooking for one or more all my adult years and did almost all the cooking for my wife and me for the last several due to some physical deficits she developed.

I am not going to waste or pine away. My Peggy wouldn't want me to, nor do I. What I will do is celebrate her and our friendship and marriage for the rest of my days. I'll be fine!
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Old 05-24-2017, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,052,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
I've been through divorce from a spouse of 25 years who left me for another. Eight days ago I lost my wife to pneumonia after five years of friendship and 20.5 years of marriage. The feelings brought on by these occurrences have been very different.

In the first case which she made very nasty with no need or reason to do so, when all was said and done I wanted to send her a thank you card for leaving me.

The loss of My Peggy to death is nothing I will ever celebrate will always leave a hole in my heart and in my life. I love, cherish and adore her and always will.

Cremebrulee, as for the rest I will not do anything foolish or make any major decisions. Among them, eventual remarriage will never happen. For one thing I'm 70 years old and know that no one could ever replace my wife. For another, I consider myself still married to her and always will. I continue to wear my wedding band and it's never coming off. Lastly, I am quite capable of taking care of myself, our home and our rescue cat who brought her a great deal of joy as he does for me. I'm also quite a good cook and do so in several languages. I've been cooking for one or more all my adult years and did almost all the cooking for my wife and me for the last several due to some physical deficits she developed.

I am not going to waste or pine away. My Peggy wouldn't want me to, nor do I. What I will do is celebrate her and our friendship and marriage for the rest of my days. I'll be fine!
Perfect and well said! I am in the same situation, my divorce over 30 years ago was a relief, a huge weight off my shoulders,the death of my husband 3 months ago after a 13 month battle with cancer will forever leave a huge hole in my heart.

I do realize though for some divorce is devastating, BUT your divorced partner is still ALIVE, there is still the chance once the hurt subsides you can become friends, especially if you have children.
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Old 05-24-2017, 12:34 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,327,697 times
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Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I do realize though for some divorce is devastating, BUT your divorced partner is still ALIVE, there is still the chance once the hurt subsides you can become friends, especially if you have children.
Barely! I'll explain in a moment. In the first place, the ex made an 11-12 year "career" of alienating me from my children. That is not someone I ever wanted to become friends with and is what I meant when I said she made the divorce unnecessarily nasty. As for the "barely," she has been in a memory loss facility for the past seven years due to early-onset and profound dementia. She recognizes no one, not even herself. While I feel sorry for her and our children, even if she were "whole" I'd want nothing to do with her. I could be pleasant to her face if thrown together but that will never happen. That's just as well.

I'm so very sorry about your husband. "Forever" seems to me to be almost long enough.
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Old 05-25-2017, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,052,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Barely! I'll explain in a moment. In the first place, the ex made an 11-12 year "career" of alienating me from my children. That is not someone I ever wanted to become friends with and is what I meant when I said she made the divorce unnecessarily nasty. As for the "barely," she has been in a memory loss facility for the past seven years due to early-onset and profound dementia. She recognizes no one, not even herself. While I feel sorry for her and our children, even if she were "whole" I'd want nothing to do with her. I could be pleasant to her face if thrown together but that will never happen. That's just as well.

I'm so very sorry about your husband. "Forever" seems to me to be almost long enough.
Oh I was just stating that in general, not directly to you.
I do know divorced couples on friendly terms, guess they just outgrew each other or fell out of love, but remain friendly.
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Old 05-25-2017, 09:27 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,327,697 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Oh I was just stating that in general, not directly to you.
I do know divorced couples on friendly terms, guess they just outgrew each other or fell out of love, but remain friendly.
It happens. he ex and I did, indeed, outgrow one another. Regrettably, remaining friendly, especially for the sake of the children, was not an option. Early-on I mentioned that to the ex and her reply was instantaneous, "I reject that!" And so she did. Oh, well.
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Old 05-27-2017, 05:18 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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I don't believe you can measure pain, or say, one loss is worse then the other, it depends on the situation, and the issues at hand.

I posted this, only to help those who have lost loved ones and it's only purpose was to try and help those in need of some kind of understanding of what they are going thru....and to maybe not make any decisions for a year....to think long and hard and reflect before doing so.
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