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Old 05-27-2017, 06:40 AM
 
635 posts, read 396,407 times
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I haven't posted much lately but I felt like I had to respond to this thread. I lost my husband a year ago to an accident so I was completely unprepared to deal with being a widow. I also have a daughter who is almost 3 now so not only am I grieving for my husband I'm dealing with the challenges that come with being a single parent to a toddler.

Anyway, over this past year I've had several friends try to compare their divorces to my situation and it makes me angry. I understand that divorce is painful but it's nowhere near the same thing as losing your spouse to death, not even close.

I wish I were just divorced. I wish my husband were alive somewhere and he could help me raise our daughter. I wish he were happy somewhere even if it wasn't with me. Even if I never saw him again just him being alive somewhere, anywhere is better than death.

OP, I know you didn't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing but please don't ever compare death and divorce. Yes, they are both sad and painful situations but they are not the same.
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Old 05-27-2017, 07:23 AM
 
2,953 posts, read 1,395,524 times
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melovescookies - I was in a very similar situation to you 30+ years ago. But with no child. At 26.

My friends who were divorced told me they were jealous of me having my loved one deceased. He left not cause he wanted too.
Yeah, it was weird. Everyone has their own pain and ways to deal with it.
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Old 05-27-2017, 08:35 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,359,613 times
Reputation: 28970
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
I don't believe you can measure pain, or say, one loss is worse then the other, it depends on the situation, and the issues at hand.

I posted this, only to help those who have lost loved ones and it's only purpose was to try and help those in need of some kind of understanding of what they are going thru....and to maybe not make any decisions for a year....to think long and hard and reflect before doing so.
I have to respectfully disagree. In the case of divorce, especially where children are involved, there is perhaps time and opportunity to make things better or more bearable because you're both still alive. In the case of the death of a spouse there's no such opportunity. It's forever lost and you can't make it "better." What's done is done and nothing and no one can change it. The loss is permanent!

The only commonality is that in time your heart may heal. Then again, perhaps not.
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Old 05-27-2017, 08:57 AM
 
Location: In a house
21,902 posts, read 20,917,414 times
Reputation: 14822
In my opinion and only "my" opinion comparing a divorce to the death of a spouse is like comparing apples to oranges!!!
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Old 05-27-2017, 09:05 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,359,613 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cynwldkat View Post
In my opinion and only "my" opinion comparing a divorce to the death of a spouse is like comparing apples to oranges!!!
I quite agree!
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Old 05-27-2017, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,945 posts, read 24,078,689 times
Reputation: 10778
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I haven't posted much lately but I felt like I had to respond to this thread. I lost my husband a year ago to an accident so I was completely unprepared to deal with being a widow. I also have a daughter who is almost 3 now so not only am I grieving for my husband I'm dealing with the challenges that come with being a single parent to a toddler.

Anyway, over this past year I've had several friends try to compare their divorces to my situation and it makes me angry. I understand that divorce is painful but it's nowhere near the same thing as losing your spouse to death, not even close.

I wish I were just divorced. I wish my husband were alive somewhere and he could help me raise our daughter. I wish he were happy somewhere even if it wasn't with me. Even if I never saw him again just him being alive somewhere, anywhere is better than death.

OP, I know you didn't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing but please don't ever compare death and divorce. Yes, they are both sad and painful situations but they are not the same.
Well said, exactly my sentiments. Very sorry for your loss.
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Old 05-27-2017, 12:29 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,359,613 times
Reputation: 28970
Quote:
Originally Posted by melovescookies View Post
I haven't posted much lately but I felt like I had to respond to this thread. I lost my husband a year ago to an accident so I was completely unprepared to deal with being a widow. I also have a daughter who is almost 3 now so not only am I grieving for my husband I'm dealing with the challenges that come with being a single parent to a toddler.

Anyway, over this past year I've had several friends try to compare their divorces to my situation and it makes me angry. I understand that divorce is painful but it's nowhere near the same thing as losing your spouse to death, not even close.

I wish I were just divorced. I wish my husband were alive somewhere and he could help me raise our daughter. I wish he were happy somewhere even if it wasn't with me. Even if I never saw him again just him being alive somewhere, anywhere is better than death.

OP, I know you didn't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing but please don't ever compare death and divorce. Yes, they are both sad and painful situations but they are not the same.
My sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. Like you, I was completely unprepared for the recent death of my wife and it now seems both unreal and surreal. Perhaps I'm simply still in shock. Our retirements together were supposed to have lasted much longer but they didn't. No! Divorce doesn't even begin to compare.
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Old 05-27-2017, 12:44 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 14 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,361 posts, read 50,609,566 times
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This thread is very interesting. It brought back some dark memories, and I think the prism through which we see things at different times in our lives has a lot to do with our perceptions in times of loss.

My marriage was ending around the time that Katie Couric's husband died. Her grief was very public, and I remember thinking that she was faking a good deal of it for the attention she was getting. How could someone possibly be that torn up over a dead husband? I didn't believe her grief was real. I used to fantasize about my husband dying, what I would wear to the funeral, how I would have to act sad when I was really relieved. At that time, I saw my now-ex's death as my only possible way out of an abusive marriage.

Of course now, many years after my divorce, I look back and see that my perception was skewed. The death of a marriage is hard and can be a great loss. To accept that a person you believed loved you does not, to realize that your dreams of home and family are forever dashed to smithereens, this is an emotional death of sorts, but you heal. Mostly.

But, it's still not the same as losing a spouse whom you loved to physical death, and I see that now. Time has removed much of the sadness of loss of my marriage, and I've experienced the real death of friends and family members since then. And at some point as life went on, I came to realize that I no longer wish my daughter's father harm. We are friendly as parents of an adult child now.

To all of you who have been widowed, I am sorry for your loss, and even if you didn't know, I am sorry I ever trivialized such losses as invalid. Divorce is loss, but not the same loss as widowhood.
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Old 05-27-2017, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,945 posts, read 24,078,689 times
Reputation: 10778
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
This thread is very interesting. It brought back some dark memories, and I think the prism through which we see things at different times in our lives has a lot to do with our perceptions in times of loss.

My marriage was ending around the time that Katie Couric's husband died. Her grief was very public, and I remember thinking that she was faking a good deal of it for the attention she was getting. How could someone possibly be that torn up over a dead husband? I didn't believe her grief was real. I used to fantasize about my husband dying, what I would wear to the funeral, how I would have to act sad when I was really relieved. At that time, I saw my now-ex's death as my only possible way out of an abusive marriage.

Of course now, many years after my divorce, I look back and see that my perception was skewed. The death of a marriage is hard and can be a great loss. To accept that a person you believed loved you does not, to realize that your dreams of home and family are forever dashed to smithereens, this is an emotional death of sorts, but you heal. Mostly.

But, it's still not the same as losing a spouse whom you loved to physical death, and I see that now. Time has removed much of the sadness of loss of my marriage, and I've experienced the real death of friends and family members since then. And at some point as life went on, I came to realize that I no longer wish my daughter's father harm. We are friendly as parents of an adult child now.

To all of you who have been widowed, I am sorry for your loss, and even if you didn't know, I am sorry I ever trivialized such losses as invalid. Divorce is loss, but not the same loss as widowhood
.
Thank you MQ
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