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Old 03-28-2017, 08:12 AM
 
25,455 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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First, I'd like to say, to anyone who is reading this....
I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you are healing and beginning to see light again.

I remember when I lost my husband, not to death, but to divorce, which was very much like a death, and sitting on my back porch 2 years later, and noticed that I started to see color again. (I was in a very dark place for a while)

Anyway, I just wanted to interject some thoughts, both from experience, and watching friends make the same mistake. Seems like when we lose our partners, our first instinct is to get out there and replace that person b/c

1. We fear being alone
2. We are brainwashed by society that we need to be a couple to be successful
3. We so desperately miss the structure we had in being a couple.
4. We miss and mourn the routine that we had as a couple
5. We so miss that warm body next to us at night

and due to this, including myself, some of us feel like we must go out and replace that loss, b/c we're so accustomed to routine, and actually believe we cannot live without someone by our side.

But we can....and I did....

I've seen a lot of men especially, try and replace their wives right away, and in that there is great danger of jumping into something that isn't all that good for us.

Please don't be over come by desperation, and loss, so much so, that you try and fill that empty place in your heart right away...your doing an injustice to yourself and to the person your trying to start a new with.
It is very unfair to both of you to try and do so.

Your not ready to date....you need to be alone, and go thru that grieving period for yourself and you cannot put a time limit on it.

I remember talking with a woman who went thru divorce, and I asked her, when that pain goes away....she told me, it was 3 years before she could even start thinking about dating again.

when that 3 years arrived, well, let me just say, that it took longer for me...dating others didn't take the pain of loss away. And I surely wasn't in love with him any longer, but I mourned just the same.

I started going places on my own, to movies, out to eat, weekend getaways, and moved onto vacations alone. It was difficult, but in time, I learned to create things to do, for myself, that I never did before, to give me something to look forward to. You need to do that. Please.

I had a very good friend who passed away....her husband went right out and married another woman, and for him that was a big mistake. He thought marriage with her was going to be just like it was with his ex. He didn't give himself time, to mourn. It caused him great pain and sorrow down the road, not to mention the woman he married, plus all their kids....so, please do not do that.

I hope this helps someone.

Thanks for taking the time to read.
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Old 03-28-2017, 09:25 AM
 
Location: home state of Myrtle Beach!
6,233 posts, read 18,123,468 times
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Divorce is planned. You know what you are getting yourself into. Income doesn't change but now two households have to make ends meet. One party may be supporting the other with alimony or child support payments.

Not true when your spouse dies. Your whole world changes, many times unexpectedly. When your spouse dies, any income he/she earned is gone! A widow stands to lose everything the couple worked for over the years of their marriage; security, home. If she's under 60, like I am, she cannot yet collect her husband's social security and if she was a housewife she may have trouble finding sufficient employment. She may have young children at home and while those children will receive survivors benefits until they graduate high school, it may not be enough to keep the family home.

Many men are self sufficient, have good jobs and earn a decent living. Some men can't cook, don't know how to clean house and jump into a relationship to save themselves. Some men may have young children at home and need to jump into a relationship to save their kids.

Do not ever say what you posted to a widow(er). You don't know what you're talking about!
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Old 03-28-2017, 10:32 AM
 
3,963 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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Divorce can be a terrible experience. It involves feelings of rejection, failure, betrayal that the loss of a spouse through death may not include. So I acknowledge that it is often a painful, life changing experience and that there is grieving. But I don't think that divorce should be compared to widowhood. They are different. If one has experienced divorce, they have not experienced the loss of a spouse through death, and should not assume that they know about it. The reverse is also true. I don't think anyone is served by saying "they are the same" or "my experience was worse than yours" or saying that the grieving process is the same. They are both traumatic, but they are not the same.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Perhaps your post should be on the Divorce forum.
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Old 03-28-2017, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,851 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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myrc60, every path is different. It seems apparent in your situation that there was not enough attention paid to life insurance or pre-planning an unexpected death. I am sorry for your loss, and sorry that you had that hard edge of life thrust upon you as well. I'm well aware that there are some situations where the extra outflow for life insurance may be a hardship or even impossible.

However, what cremebrulee states has a lot of factual basis, and interjecting that cb doesn't know what they are talking about is untrue and unkind. You bring up a very pragmatic reason why someone could be desperate for a new mate (or should I say paycheck?). While it may seem the only way to go, I can assure you that many men worthy of having a marriage with will be running for the hills when confronted with such a situation. What will be attracted are "rescuers" who may have their pound of flesh already in mind as repayment. Desperate measures in desperate times are often not great decisions.
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Old 03-28-2017, 10:36 AM
 
25,455 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myrc60 View Post
Divorce is planned. You know what you are getting yourself into. Income doesn't change but now two households have to make ends meet. One party may be supporting the other with alimony or child support payments.

Not true when your spouse dies. Your whole world changes, many times unexpectedly. When your spouse dies, any income he/she earned is gone! A widow stands to lose everything the couple worked for over the years of their marriage; security, home. If she's under 60, like I am, she cannot yet collect her husband's social security and if she was a housewife she may have trouble finding sufficient employment. She may have young children at home and while those children will receive survivors benefits until they graduate high school, it may not be enough to keep the family home.

Many men are self sufficient, have good jobs and earn a decent living. Some men can't cook, don't know how to clean house and jump into a relationship to save themselves. Some men may have young children at home and need to jump into a relationship to save their kids.

Do not ever say what you posted to a widow(er). You don't know what you're talking about!
I'm very sorry, for your loss....

I have shared the very same conversation with my widow(er) friends and we've discussed this in great detail and they understand.

and I've known men who lost their wives.

I can see your point and to some degree I do agree with you, and I'm certainly not at all downplaying anyone's grief or pain here....but our divorce was surely not planned....and I left with nothing....yes, we sold the house, and slit it, but that was it.

The betrayal was the death of a very strong love and respect I felt for him....I left and he was gone from my life in an instant. My choice, however, it was still like a death to me. The death of a love that was now gone from my life, along with trust, faith and companionship. Never remarried.

That is the way I'll always feel, about the subject....and what I tell others when we discuss this. Some feel as you do, some feel as I do, no one is wrong here....just wanted to share some heartfelt experiences with people who have lost their spouse.

I mean no harm....just wanted to help if at all possible.

Last edited by cremebrulee; 03-28-2017 at 11:14 AM..
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Old 03-28-2017, 10:41 AM
 
25,455 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
myrc60, every path is different. It seems apparent in your situation that there was not enough attention paid to life insurance or pre-planning an unexpected death. I am sorry for your loss, and sorry that you had that hard edge of life thrust upon you as well. I'm well aware that there are some situations where the extra outflow for life insurance may be a hardship or even impossible.

However, what cremebrulee states has a lot of factual basis, and interjecting that cb doesn't know what they are talking about is untrue and unkind. You bring up a very pragmatic reason why someone could be desperate for a new mate (or should I say paycheck?). While it may seem the only way to go, I can assure you that many men worthy of having a marriage with will be running for the hills when confronted with such a situation. What will be attracted are "rescuers" who may have their pound of flesh already in mind as repayment. Desperate measures in desperate times are often not great decisions.
Thank you....

when a very dear and loving friend of mine died, her husband came to me, near the end, before she passed, and said, "I can't live alone Creme". I said nothing, but wanted to....

He married very quickly and surely didn't marry the woman his wife was. She was the complete opposite of his wife....the sad part is, both of them suffered for years....he didn't need a paycheck....he barely had time to grieve....he expected marriage to be, just like it was with his first wife, and it wasn't nor could it ever be.

We all have engraved in our minds, what we believe a marriage should be, and that is what we play out.

they say when you suffer a loss from death of a spouse, you shouldn't make any heavy decisions about anything for at least a year....you should spend that time thinking things thru and grieving, and I agree, although it is different for everyone and you cannot dictate a time limit to anyone in any situation....but it makes sense, so in your loss you don't make rush decisions that you might later be sorry for.

I'm glad you understand....thank you
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Old 03-28-2017, 10:51 AM
 
25,455 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
Divorce can be a terrible experience. It involves feelings of rejection, failure, betrayal that the loss of a spouse through death may not include. So I acknowledge that it is often a painful, life changing experience and that there is grieving. But I don't think that divorce should be compared to widowhood. They are different. If one has experienced divorce, they have not experienced the loss of a spouse through death, and should not assume that they know about it. The reverse is also true. I don't think anyone is served by saying "they are the same" or "my experience was worse than yours" or saying that the grieving process is the same. They are both traumatic, but they are not the same.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Perhaps your post should be on the Divorce forum.
no, honestly I wasn't trying to overplay anyone else's experience....

I wanted to post this here, b/c I personally, not saying everyone does, felt that my loss was like a death.

But more than that, wanted to articulate what some people do after their loss in desperation to have someone in their life.

Sorry, I don't mean any offense to anyone, my intentions were to be helpful.
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Old 03-28-2017, 01:43 PM
 
Location: No
467 posts, read 228,517 times
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As a widower, I believe that the original post (OP) was good advice to consider. Different people have different circumstances, and each person has to evaluate (perhaps with assistance) his or her own situation, but I believe that the OP applied well to surviving spouses.
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Old 03-28-2017, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,489 posts, read 17,629,902 times
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I do not think anyone should comment on widowhood who hasn't gone through it.

I would never compare it divorce, while horrible, they seem quite different.

But I have never gone through divorce, so I certainly would not tell them what it is like.

There are reasons why widowers have a tendency to remarry quickly, and if one is not familiar with that psychology there is lots of good reading on the internet.
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Old 03-28-2017, 02:18 PM
 
3,700 posts, read 3,026,594 times
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I've told my story often enough on the CD retirement forum of losing my wife to cancer a few months after my retirement. She was suffering from health issues long before her death. But no amount of knowing the reality of poor health and death as a twosome, ever prepares one emotionally for the inevitable. As for the post spousal death experience I'd have to say that I don't think most people will understand that level of loss until they are in that space. I've told a few people who have lost their spouses that they now belong to an exclusive kind of club which no one wants to be a member of, but the common ground shared by those who have lost a spouse is certainly makes for a strong bond.

I've also gone through a divorce and that pain is different, but nonetheless hurtful and life changing. The OP was addressing the fact of so many who seek to find that "replacement" for the person now gone from their life, and I'd agree that the worst thing we could ever do when finding ourselves alone is to not utilize that time for a hell of a lot of reflection. I was married for over thirty years and didn't feel the need to immediately find another woman. My being alone was at times the cathartic beginning to a better understanding of my situation, my finances, time to respect my family's grieving, and most of all, time to reinvent myself as a whole and complete person who would someday be ready to date and possibly find someone to share life with.

After three and a half years I was open to dating and loved the companionship of having dinner with various nice ladies who were looking for the same things I was, conversation, dinner, just spending time with someone and getting used to the dating scene after thirty five years of not. I eventually met a wonderful gal who also lost her spouse to cancer, we both were in that club and automatically knew the stress of each others lives during those difficult times. Been married six years now and loving the life we both chose to live, we're old and know the risks of going through the loss of a spouse again, but life is to be lived as though we have no time left---because, there really isn't much time left.
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