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Old 04-02-2017, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,959 posts, read 32,676,353 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
You have gone through and are dealing with enough.

Try not to focus on this son and his obvious issues. You already know your son is like this. His behaviors are probably already alienating him from his siblings.

Try to love him regardless, and it is ok to be mad at him. really angry at his heartless comments......just don't take his complaining to heart. I would be angry at him for not ordering father arrangements....but you did say no flowers.

In fact I think the folks sharing his comments with you seems heartless. They shouldn't be making you feel bad by carrying tales. imo

If you really want to you could have a come back ready if he ever confronts the issue with you directly....turn it around on him..."Yes....I was a bit hurt that you hadn't sent anything to commemorate your father."

Take heart that your other kids helped some.

I'm sorry for your loss.
This is a perfect post.
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Old 04-02-2017, 03:21 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 10 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,245 posts, read 50,539,435 times
Reputation: 60115
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I got a kick out of reading your post as well as many others on this thread as well! If we can say this sort of thing in the Grief section of C-D.

Just a few musings:

1) My family is deeply southern and I'm sorry but I've never attended a funeral in the south or anywhere else where the family followed the casket down the aisle. Wow, that would be uncomfortable to me, that's for sure! Every funeral I've been to, the attendees walk up the aisle, often hugging or patting the family members on the way up, then walk past the casket to say a final goodbye, and then they exit the church, letting the family be the last ones to walk past the casket and say goodbye in the privacy of the church. Then the family is ushered out a side door into a private waiting area. I personally really like that format.

2) I've also never seen one of these famous - or infamous - pillows in a casket, with anything embroidered on it. These pillows are a great mystery to me.

3) I much prefer a flag draped casket if the deceased is a veteran or some sort of public servant. I have seen about half of the caskets at southern funerals draped with something or other (a flag, a quilt, or in one case, a letter jacket and a few childhood items - very sad funeral for a high school student) and about half with a spray of flowers on the top. Unfortunately, I've attended about five funerals of children or teenagers killed in accidents. I think in every one of those cases, there were mementos rather than flowers on the top of the casket.
Um...re 2), I'm pretty sure the "casket pillow" referred to by the OP is a flower arrangement, not an actual pillow.

Eta: but maybe I'm wrong. But there's no embroidery.

http://www.fromyouflowers.com/produc...ket_pillow.htm
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Old 04-02-2017, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,959 posts, read 32,676,353 times
Reputation: 57073
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Um...re 2), I'm pretty sure the "casket pillow" referred to by the OP is a flower arrangement, not an actual pillow.

Eta: but maybe I'm wrong. But there's no embroidery.

Pink & White Flower Satin Heart Casket Pillow at From You Flowers
OK well clearly I have no idea what this whole "pillow" thing is.

Whatever it is, I don't want one in my own casket so I'll be sure to note that in my final instructions! With or without embroidery.
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Old 04-02-2017, 06:53 PM
 
422 posts, read 178,561 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post

1) My family is deeply southern and I'm sorry but I've never attended a funeral in the south or anywhere else where the family followed the casket down the aisle..
That's how it was done at all the church funerals I've attended in NC, SC, and GA. The minister and casket lead the procession with the family following behind in order of relation to the deceased. Attendees gawking to see how the family is "taking it". The whole procedure takes place again at the end, with the family following the casket to the church graveyard, if burial to to take place there, or otherwise the immediate family stands beside the hearse as the casket is put in.

Yes, the pillow is like the one in the link. The one in my mother's casket didn't have flowers, but was embroidered "To GrandMa from G----".

Interesting how customs vary in different areas of the country. In one thread there was a discussion of taking a card with money in it to the funeral. I have never heard of this being done anywhere that I have lived. To me, since this is not a custom that I am familiar with, I would find it almost insulting---implying that the family was needy.

When we moved to Pennsylvania, living in a big church-going area, I was surprised to see how many funerals were held in funeral homes, rather than in a church. Other places I've lived, funerals were held in a church if the deceased was a member. Sometimes even if the deceased was not a church goer.
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Old 04-02-2017, 08:05 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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My grandmother's casket had one of those pillows, with flowers along one side and the names of her three great grandchildren embroidered on the other side. It was attached on the inside of the lid.

At my husband's memorial service (no casket) the pastor asked me if I wanted the family to already be seated in the front row or to process in after the guests had arrived. I had no desire to be paraded in, so I requested that we already be seated.
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Old 04-02-2017, 09:22 PM
 
4,113 posts, read 3,450,347 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nefret View Post
That's how it was done at all the church funerals I've attended in NC, SC, and GA. The minister and casket lead the procession with the family following behind in order of relation to the deceased. Attendees gawking to see how the family is "taking it". The whole procedure takes place again at the end, with the family following the casket to the church graveyard, if burial to to take place there, or otherwise the immediate family stands beside the hearse as the casket is put in.

Yes, the pillow is like the one in the link. The one in my mother's casket didn't have flowers, but was embroidered "To GrandMa from G----".

Interesting how customs vary in different areas of the country. In one thread there was a discussion of taking a card with money in it to the funeral. I have never heard of this being done anywhere that I have lived. To me, since this is not a custom that I am familiar with, I would find it almost insulting---implying that the family was needy.

When we moved to Pennsylvania, living in a big church-going area, I was surprised to see how many funerals were held in funeral homes, rather than in a church. Other places I've lived, funerals were held in a church if the deceased was a member. Sometimes even if the deceased was not a church goer.

No the money thing is not an insult. It is to be used however the family wants to. Maybe it is just born of common sensical rural people. Sometime families give it to an earlier specified charity, or add to it & start a foundation, or scholarship fund, donate to the church, buy a stained glass window type thing, or if need be used to pay for funeral or help with family transitions. If deceased had young children it might go to a college fund. It's not considered gauche or an insult of means. The recent one I attended the deceasd left several successful family members and there were funeral goers with fat envelopes looking for someone to give them to.

I am unfamiliar with special pillows of any kind.
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Old 04-02-2017, 11:46 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,959 posts, read 32,676,353 times
Reputation: 57073
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nefret View Post
That's how it was done at all the church funerals I've attended in NC, SC, and GA. The minister and casket lead the procession with the family following behind in order of relation to the deceased. Attendees gawking to see how the family is "taking it". The whole procedure takes place again at the end, with the family following the casket to the church graveyard, if burial to to take place there, or otherwise the immediate family stands beside the hearse as the casket is put in.

Yes, the pillow is like the one in the link. The one in my mother's casket didn't have flowers, but was embroidered "To GrandMa from G----".

Interesting how customs vary in different areas of the country. In one thread there was a discussion of taking a card with money in it to the funeral. I have never heard of this being done anywhere that I have lived. To me, since this is not a custom that I am familiar with, I would find it almost insulting---implying that the family was needy.

When we moved to Pennsylvania, living in a big church-going area, I was surprised to see how many funerals were held in funeral homes, rather than in a church. Other places I've lived, funerals were held in a church if the deceased was a member. Sometimes even if the deceased was not a church goer.
Yes, different regions do have different traditions, and so do different ethnic groups. Living in East Texas for the past 25 years, I've become more attuned to Hispanic traditions for instance.

I have never attended a funeral in NC or SC but I have in GA, LA, and East TX. I've attended black as well as white funerals. I've attended funerals of wealthy people and poor people, of different faiths as well. They all differ in some ways and are the same in some ways.

Life and death sure are interesting.
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