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Old 03-29-2017, 10:01 PM
 
Location: Ohio
14,311 posts, read 12,565,603 times
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To me, you can't compare the casket spray to individual flower arrangements placed around the casket/room.


If there is going to be a label on a casket spray, it should be about the deceased, not about who paid for the spray and their relationship to the deceased.


If you are going to acknowledge the deceased as a husband on the casket spray, you should also acknowledge the deceased as a father and grandfather on the spray......similar to a headstone.


On a headstone you put husband, father, grandfather.....you don't leave out father just because the children didn't help pay for the stone.


The spray should be all about the deceased, the other flower arrangements can be about each individual's relationship to the deceased.


That's the way I see it.
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Old 03-29-2017, 10:20 PM
Status: "I can learn to admire w/o having to aquire." (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Where the last of the "Big 3" has retired. Spurs country.
3,022 posts, read 3,609,058 times
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I read the OP's post as saying that she didn't want any flowers, for people to make a donation to St. Jude's. She ordered flowers from her for her husband, and ordered a "casket pillow" from the grandkids. Is a "casket pillow" flowers, or a satin pillow saying "Beloved Grandfather" placed in the casket acknowledging his grandchildren?

So I totally get what she wanted. The adult kids can make a donation in their father's name in lieu of flowers.
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Old 03-29-2017, 10:33 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
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When my husband passed away we talked about what flowers were being bought so everyone knew, and could make additions before the funeral.

We (wife, parents, in laws, siblings) didn't want anyone to have hurt feelings or be left out.
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Old 03-29-2017, 10:42 PM
 
3,137 posts, read 1,616,536 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Well I would think it would be the wife doing 'beloved husband and father' (father to her children) and the adult kids doing "beloved father and grandfather' on behalf of themselves and their own kids. I just find it strange the grandmother would send flowers on behalf of the grandkids without including her own kids too. So to me it doesn't make sense.
What doesn't make sense to me, is why her kids would expect her to buy flowers from them, in their name. If they wanted this, they should have paid for it themselves.
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Old 03-30-2017, 05:39 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,879 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tassity22 View Post
What doesn't make sense to me, is why her kids would expect her to buy flowers from them, in their name. If they wanted this, they should have paid for it themselves.
Exactly.

And like someone else said, I don't think the spray on top of the casket should have ANY ribbons or whatever that leave people out. I mean, he was probably a beloved son, husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, friend, coworker, you name it. Just flowers there. That's just my personal opinion of course.
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Old 03-30-2017, 06:40 AM
 
6,908 posts, read 3,738,461 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Just to show the difference in families, when my parents died the "family flowers" on & in the casket (beloved wife, mother, grandmother, father, grandfather) were purchased by the estate (that paid for the entire funeral, casket, flowers, funeral meal, etc.). The flowers did not include "names" as Beloved Mother or Beloved Father would obviously be from their children.

In my family, and that includes aunts/uncles/cousins adult children would never buy/send their own flowers to their parents funeral separate from the "family flowers" on the casket.

Frankly, I do not recall adult children buying/sending separate flowers to any funerals of their parents that I have attended. Perhaps, there are different expectations in other parts of the country.
I agree with all this.
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Old 03-30-2017, 06:52 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,048,548 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
Yes, agree with you.
Nope, I had told them I was ordering a casket spray and pillow from grands and preferred the adult kids either sent to st judes or order their own. I ordered pillow from grands so there would be only one not nine of them.
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Old 03-30-2017, 06:56 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,048,548 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by exit82 View Post
Well I've been told one son took exception and wanted to know where flowers that said beloved father were.

I don't think it was my responsibility to order and pay for flowers from adult kids all with good paying jobs.

I totally get you OP-when my father died the kids (my siblings and I) sent our own flowers- some of us went in together on a couple arrangements as well. After the service they were sent to my moms home. I would never in a million years expect my mother to order and pay for flowers from her adult children and for the life of me don't understand why so many people here think you are in the wrong for not doing it. When your son asked where they were I simply would have asked "what did you order?" As for the same son- pulling out the calculator- like you said- there's one in every family.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I ordered pillow from grands as there are nine of them and didn't want nine pillows or competition on which one went in casket.
This one son did not lift a finger to help, nor did he call or his wife call when dad was battling cancer for 13 months, I always had to call him to update.
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Old 03-30-2017, 06:59 AM
 
4,932 posts, read 2,562,297 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
But I wouldn't feel obligated to pay for the flowers "from" adult children with decent jobs. Nope. Sorry.
I think it is all about leaving someone out. I am sure you would not make a deliberate attempt to put loving husband and grandchildren.

As I said before I am dealing with my own Mother's death this week, so this subject is a bit sensitive for me. Every family has their dynamics. My sister and I, and my mother and I have not always seen eye to eye. During the three days of hospice care we have been kind and supportive of each other. The past has not been brought up. It is not the time nor the place to open wounds. The death of a loved one is a delicate part of the circle of life. Give respect to the end of life. Walk away with the good memories, not the spite.

Sounds to me that it was a test for the son --it is just not the time nor the place.

Last edited by GiGi603; 03-30-2017 at 07:21 AM..
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Old 03-30-2017, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,048,548 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
All I was responding to was, I believe it was your post, that said you would pay for your adult son's flowers at their dad's funeral - I wasn't responding to the OP's situation. Maybe there's something off, maybe not.

But I wouldn't feel obligated to pay for the flowers "from" adult children with decent jobs. Nope. Sorry.
Thanks Kathryn! As it was my husband passed away in Florida and I had him sent to NJ for a proper wake. He wanted to be cremated and I could have done that in FL and returned with his ashes but I didn't as I felt the kids needed closure....trust me that wasn't cheap. Funeral homes want payment up front not wait for insurance.

I sent from the grands as there are nine of them and thought it easier. Out of 5 kids only this one had something to ***** and moan about and flowers were not the only issue. Another remark was I only had my husband's favorite Irish whiskey at repast, Tullamore Dew and not the son's Jameson, told him well there is a liquor store across the street go buy a bottle as I didn't even handle food and drink two of the other kids did I just paid for it.

I'm not suffering any stress over this, was just venting to strangers. As 2 of my other sons said, this one is suffering guilt and this is his way of dealing with it. He allowed his wife to drive a wedge in his relationship with his dad and when we moved to FL he was angry and didn't speak to his dad for 6 months.
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