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Old 03-30-2017, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,065,116 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tassity22 View Post
What doesn't make sense to me, is why her kids would expect her to buy flowers from them, in their name. If they wanted this, they should have paid for it themselves.
It seems like there's definitely way more going on than the issue of flowers really. But it doesn't make any sense for the OP to get something from the grandchildren, but to ignore the deceased's children who may or may not be hers as well. It's also odd that no one discussed the flowers! Seems like she just ordered them and didn't discuss them with anyone. I've been apart of planning a few funerals and normally the people doing the planning/purchasing discuss every single detail....it's crazy how much goes into a funeral!
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Old 03-30-2017, 08:43 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,943 posts, read 24,074,385 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
It seems like there's definitely way more going on than the issue of flowers really. But it doesn't make any sense for the OP to get something from the grandchildren, but to ignore the deceased's children who may or may not be hers as well. It's also odd that no one discussed the flowers! Seems like she just ordered them and didn't discuss them with anyone. I've been apart of planning a few funerals and normally the people doing the planning/purchasing discuss every single detail....it's crazy how much goes into a funeral!
Well I was still in FL and funeral was in NJ, my main concern was returning hubbie to NJ not worrying about flowers.
Can't see too many people just losing their spouse discussing every last detail with people, I was in shock, even though I knew this day was coming after 13 months fighting cancer.
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Old 03-30-2017, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,499 posts, read 15,953,803 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Thanks Kathryn! As it was my husband passed away in Florida and I had him sent to NJ for a proper wake. He wanted to be cremated and I could have done that in FL and returned with his ashes but I didn't as I felt the kids needed closure....trust me that wasn't cheap. Funeral homes want payment up front not wait for insurance.

I sent from the grands as there are nine of them and thought it easier. Out of 5 kids only this one had something to ***** and moan about and flowers were not the only issue. Another remark was I only had my husband's favorite Irish whiskey at repast, Tullamore Dew and not the son's Jameson, told him well there is a liquor store across the street go buy a bottle as I didn't even handle food and drink two of the other kids did I just paid for it.

I'm not suffering any stress over this, was just venting to strangers. As 2 of my other sons said, this one is suffering guilt and this is his way of dealing with it. He allowed his wife to drive a wedge in his relationship with his dad and when we moved to FL he was angry and didn't speak to his dad for 6 months.
Thank you for the additional details.

I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry that your son was acting like a jerk during this difficult time.


------------

To the others who posted who have suffered a loss. I am so sorry.
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Old 03-30-2017, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,943 posts, read 24,074,385 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
It seems like there's definitely way more going on than the issue of flowers really. But it doesn't make any sense for the OP to get something from the grandchildren, but to ignore the deceased's children who may or may not be hers as well. It's also odd that no one discussed the flowers! Seems like she just ordered them and didn't discuss them with anyone. I've been apart of planning a few funerals and normally the people doing the planning/purchasing discuss every single detail....it's crazy how much goes into a funeral!
Nope, you are reading way too much into it. This son makes everything difficult, it was like pulling teeth to get his SS# when I went to broker to list my beneficiaries, finally told him either you comply or count yourself out of being a beneficiary as broker said until he had the number he would have to leave this one off.

I guess the point of my o/p was that in a time of grief, especially in a large family you can expect that there will be at least one that's going to be a huge pain in the arse.
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Old 03-30-2017, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Former LI'er Now a Rehoboth Beach Bunny
7,251 posts, read 9,614,813 times
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There are more hard feeling as a result of weddings and funerals than is to be believed. Every family works things out differently. In mine, my mom ordered the flowers for not only my sister and I and herself, but also for many of her relatives when ever someone would pass away. She would put it on her charge and they (we) paid her in advance of her bill. Mom was great with flowers and would order different pieces from each person, from the same florist. They appreciated it as they had one delivery truck going to the funeral home. That said, if people wanted to order on their own they did. While, I would never order flowers for someone if an "in lieu" notice were made, I also believe that many are not comfortable with making a donation and prefer flowers. To my mind, no matter what my wishes are, if someone sends flowers to a funeral, I take that as a great sign of respect for the deceased as flowers are an extra gesture and not inexpensive.
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:18 AM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,658,486 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Thank you. I ordered pillow from grands as there are nine of them and didn't want nine pillows or competition on which one went in casket.
This one son did not lift a finger to help, nor did he call or his wife call when dad was battling cancer for 13 months, I always had to call him to update.
Again, sorry for your loss.

And having been in your situation I totally get how you feel about someone not lifting a finger. It's something you just can't get over easily, and once the person is gone there is no fixing it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Nope, you are reading way too much into it. This son makes everything difficult, it was like pulling teeth to get his SS# when I went to broker to list my beneficiaries, finally told him either you comply or count yourself out of being a beneficiary as broker said until he had the number he would have to leave this one off.

I guess the point of my o/p was that in a time of grief, especially in a large family you can expect that there will be at least one that's going to be a huge pain in the arse.
This is what I don't get. I certainly wouldn't do an even split, when one adult child did nothing and the others did. It's bad enough he wasn't there for his father and you when you need family the most. I can't think of a bigger betrayal.

Than add in he's making it difficult for you when you're still trying to do right by him. Besides if something happens to him after your gone, his wife gets it.

I would think about how I am splitting things up. Doesn't mean you have to leave him nothing. But I am firm believer in those who were there and stepped up to the plate are the ones you leave what you have.

You don't reward bad behavior.
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
19,047 posts, read 10,079,571 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Well I was still in FL and funeral was in NJ, my main concern was returning hubbie to NJ not worrying about flowers.
Can't see too many people just losing their spouse discussing every last detail with people, I was in shock, even though I knew this day was coming after 13 months fighting cancer.
Obviously there was more to the story and I'm sorry this was a stressful thing for you in your time of grief.

But when my father died, my sibling and I were not just "people" and yes, my mother discussed every last detail with us, and all three of us agreed on all the planning. And as a matter of fact, it did involve an out of state death and needing to make all of the necessary arrangements to manage things in two different states - and this was for a completely unexpected death, with no time of have had any discussions ahead of time.
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,943 posts, read 24,074,385 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
Obviously there was more to the story and I'm sorry this was a stressful thing for you in your time of grief.

But when my father died, my sibling and I were not just "people" and yes, my mother discussed every last detail with us, and all three of us agreed on all the planning. And as a matter of fact, it did involve an out of state death and needing to make all of the necessary arrangements to manage things in two different states - and this was for a completely unexpected death, with no time of have had any discussions ahead of time.
Y'all are totally missing my point!! We all did agree but this one son has to have something, anything, to moan about, it's what makes him happy. And he WASN'T there for dad while he was still living because he was mad we moved to Florida and it wasn't like we seen him every week. He had his own life centered around his inlaws and we respected that. I'm sure we were not the first parents to take a back seat to inlaws.

But it's ok, he now has to work through his guilt and his brothers and sister have told him that and to stop nagging me.

Different strokes for different folks. When my dad passed my mom followed his wishes, direct cremation, and didn't discuss with me or my siblings. We respected it, didn't agree with it but it was my fathers wishes.
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,943 posts, read 24,074,385 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Again, sorry for your loss.

And having been in your situation I totally get how you feel about someone not lifting a finger. It's something you just can't get over easily, and once the person is gone there is no fixing it.



This is what I don't get. I certainly wouldn't do an even split, when one adult child did nothing and the others did. It's bad enough he wasn't there for his father and you when you need family the most. I can't think of a bigger betrayal.


Than add in he's making it difficult for you when you're still trying to do right by him. Besides if something happens to him after your gone, his wife gets it.

I would think about how I am splitting things up. Doesn't mean you have to leave him nothing. But I am firm believer in those who were there and stepped up to the plate are the ones you leave what you have.

You don't reward bad behavior.
I get it, but I am following the request of my husband, equal, so no animosity between siblings.
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:42 AM
 
422 posts, read 179,320 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Just to show the difference in families, when my parents died the "family flowers" on & in the casket (beloved wife, mother, grandmother, father, grandfather) were purchased by the estate (that paid for the entire funeral, casket, flowers, funeral meal, etc.). The flowers did not include "names" as Beloved Mother or Beloved Father would obviously be from their children.

In my family, and that includes aunts/uncles/cousins adult children would never buy/send their own flowers to their parents funeral separate from the "family flowers" on the casket.

Frankly, I do not recall adult children buying/sending separate flowers to any funerals of their parents that I have attended. Perhaps, there are different expectations in other parts of the country.

I think this does vary in different parts of the country.

The idea that there has to be an arrangement there in the name of each and every family member makes me think that someone is checking out who sent and who didn't.

But then, I don't care for traditional funerals.
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