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Old 03-30-2017, 11:13 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I get it, but I am following the request of my husband, equal, so no animosity between siblings.
Good for you. It is the best way to go.
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Old 03-30-2017, 11:22 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I get it, but I am following the request of my husband, equal, so no animosity between siblings.
That is understandable.

But there already is animosity between the siblings and rightly so. I have been there, when you have a do nothing sibling who isn't there for your mother or father it stings. Many times once both parents are gone the siblings sometimes don't have contact.

It's very hard when you have loving parents(and it sounds like that's what you and your husband are/were) to get past a sibling or siblings who turn their back on the parents. But rest assured they're on the scene once the last parent goes, now they have time.

You're in FL, if all your kids are in NJ there may come a day when you need help. Unfortunately your one son and his wife have shown how they are. So if and when you need help and one of your two other children have to come down to FL and maybe take FMLA from their job, or the decision is made for you to come live with one of them and they end up being your caregiver for a few years, well that's something to think about.
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Old 03-30-2017, 11:25 AM
 
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I have to admit I had never, ever heard of any of the flowers at a funeral being nothing more than essentially funeral decorations. For all those that I've gone to, they were purchased from specific people as a way of honoring the deceased or otherwise sending a token of love, esteem, etc. The idea that the estate would buy flowers for a funeral really surprises me, but I guess some families consider that proper decoration for the casket and something that must be done. It's like the deceased buying their own funeral flowers.

In my opinion, it makes more sense that flowers or whatever should be bought by the person who wants to send a token of whatever emotion they feel about the deceased.
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Old 03-30-2017, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,052,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
That is understandable.

But there already is animosity between the siblings and rightly so. I have been there, when you have a do nothing sibling who isn't there for your mother or father it stings. Many times once both parents are gone the siblings sometimes don't have contact.

It's very hard when you have loving parents(and it sounds like that's what you and your husband are/were) to get past a sibling or siblings who turn their back on the parents. But rest assured they're on the scene once the last parent goes, now they have time.

You're in FL, if all your kids are in NJ there may come a day when you need help. Unfortunately your one son and his wife have shown how they are. So if and when you need help and one of your two other children have to come down to FL and maybe take FMLA from their job, or the decision is made for you to come live with one of them and they end up being your caregiver for a few years, well that's something to think about.
For sure, something to ponder down the road. They all love their brother but are unanimous in the dislike for his wife and truth be told this was not his way before he married her. It took a few years but she got that wedge in. The rest of them all get along with each other and the spouses. Sad but we plan on a family Myrtle Beach vacation for my birthday and they didn't invite him as no one wants to be around her.

He is well aware the issue is his wife but in the end she is still his wife, so be it.
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Old 03-30-2017, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
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Is she really that bad to be around? When my husband died we realized how unimportant some stuff was, and that in the end we only had each other to lean on.

How bad would someone have to be to not even invite them after a death?
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Old 03-30-2017, 01:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Is she really that bad to be around? When my husband died we realized how unimportant some stuff was, and that in the end we only had each other to lean on.

How bad would someone have to be to not even invite them after a death?
True- might be better to invite them knowing she won't want to come-at least you made the effort and your son will know you included him (them).
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Old 03-30-2017, 02:13 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
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Honestly, for me not to invite my sister to something like that her spouse would have to be an ax murderer or something....
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Old 03-30-2017, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Honestly, for me not to invite my sister to something like that her spouse would have to be an ax murderer or something....
For me they would probably have to be a serial ax murderer AND a pedophile with multiple convictions before I would not invite a sibling's spouse to a major family event.
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Old 03-30-2017, 03:14 PM
 
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Way more problems here than just flowers but I don't think the OP wants to hear that.

We've had two sudden deaths in the past four years and we were able to calmly sort out flower arrangements even with the rush. In one case, I bought the flowers on behalf of all the siblings, and was not paid back. This does not bother me at all. It doesn't really matter who pays so long as the flowers get bought and it's not a burden on anyone (I was happy to do it). In the other case I believe "the estate" took care of the flowers because it was done through the funeral home and the money was there to do it from "the estate".

Sorry this is such a vague post but I'd rather not go into details. In both cases, no one felt left out and everyone got a say in what was ordered, no matter who was paying.
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Old 03-30-2017, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,885 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nefret View Post
I think this does vary in different parts of the country.

The idea that there has to be an arrangement there in the name of each and every family member makes me think that someone is checking out who sent and who didn't.

But then, I don't care for traditional funerals.
Just speaking for my family, since we did have family members sending flowers or plants or donations, whatever,separately:

Maybe some cousin somewhere was counting things up, I don't know, but I can promise you that the immediate family was not "keeping tabs" on who sent something and who didn't. For one thing, we encouraged people to make a donation to some other causes in lieu of flowers. But also, we were simply not keeping up with the Joneses.

Flowers are pretty. They make a sad ceremony more beautiful. They make the person sending the flowers feel helpful and respectful. I can't understand making a big deal out of it one way or the other.

The funeral home, which was very helpful, didn't act like flowers were a big deal one way or the other - no pressure, and no pressure from the florists either. And the funeral home was actually very helpful afterwards - letting us know that there was a funeral that evening for a man with kids and a family who didn't have much money, so if we wanted to donate the flowers it would be much appreciated. That was a great idea and that's what we did.

But like I said, no one was keeping tabs on who did and who didn't send an arrangement, other than to say, "Oh, this is beautiful" when we read the card from whoever.
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