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Old 03-30-2017, 03:29 PM
 
Location: Ohio
14,311 posts, read 12,569,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
For sure, something to ponder down the road. They all love their brother but are unanimous in the dislike for his wife and truth be told this was not his way before he married her. It took a few years but she got that wedge in. The rest of them all get along with each other and the spouses. Sad but we plan on a family Myrtle Beach vacation for my birthday and they didn't invite him as no one wants to be around her.

He is well aware the issue is his wife but in the end she is still his wife, so be it.
I can understand this.


If the wife is really obnoxious she could ruin the event for everyone.


Why should she be given that kind of power just because she is a relative?
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Old 03-30-2017, 04:14 PM
 
4,948 posts, read 16,048,429 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
In my family, including extended family (from the few occasions that my cousins and I discussed this) the estate pays for the funeral including the "family flowers" (casket spray). Perhaps, we are just lucky because there has always been enough money in the estate to pay for the funeral of a parent.

that was how it was done for my Mom. She was ill and I did a pre-paid funeral with 500.00 for flowers.

I had a florist I liked and he took care of it all. He had the pillow for grandchildren also included. Siblings did know that was the limit and were free to do whatever on there own.

flowers are nice but so costly for a day of use-
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Old 03-30-2017, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,577 posts, read 4,782,672 times
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If they wanted contributions why do people think the kids should have sent flowers? When my parents died I got flowers for the top of the casket and a vase on each side. No names or anything. Just decorations.

The OP shouldn't have listed anyone on the flowers she bought but the son is still an idiot.
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Old 03-30-2017, 07:15 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,885 posts, read 32,658,014 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maggiekate View Post
that was how it was done for my Mom. She was ill and I did a pre-paid funeral with 500.00 for flowers.

I had a florist I liked and he took care of it all. He had the pillow for grandchildren also included. Siblings did know that was the limit and were free to do whatever on there own.

flowers are nice but so costly for a day of use-
But what if there is not an "estate" but instead, a surviving spouse? Does the surviving spouse pay for all the flowers or do family members kick in?
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Old 03-30-2017, 07:32 PM
 
913 posts, read 938,776 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
But what if there is not an "estate" but instead, a surviving spouse? Does the surviving spouse pay for all the flowers or do family members kick in?
In one of the examples I gave earlier, there was a surviving spouse of the "the estate". By "the estate" I mean, what was done is that some of a life insurance policy was signed over to the funeral home, and the funeral home sat the immediate family down and all decisions were made together. So yes, essentially the surviving spouse paid. They are the type of person to "mention" (repeatedly) if they're are unhappy with such an arrangement so it seems they were fine with it, just as I was fine with entirely paying for the flowers that were a "joint" arrangement.

So from that perspective, the OPs actions seem really odd to me as well.
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Old 03-31-2017, 12:00 AM
 
5,412 posts, read 3,382,449 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I guess the point of my o/p was that in a time of grief, especially in a large family you can expect that there will be at least one that's going to be a huge pain in the arse.
I hope you don't mind but I laughed when I read that. It's so true.

I'm so sorry that a son made an awful situation harder to bear.
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Old 03-31-2017, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,052,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I hope you don't mind but I laughed when I read that. It's so true.

I'm so sorry that a son made an awful situation harder to bear.
As my husband used to say, you have to find the humor.
Truth be told I don't even remember asking the florist to put beloved husband, just the grandfather, she may of just assumed, water under bridge now.

And to others, yes my DIL is that bad, she makes everyone around her tense and walking on eggshells for fear they say something she doesn't like, I guess the best description is very socially awkward and we have tried over the years but just gave up.

My first ugly encounter with her was for my grandson's first birthday party. When she gave me the date I explained I would not be here, had already booked airfare to Colorado to visit my brother who was dying of cancer and wanted to see him when he was still with us. His time was nearing and I do not regret that choice I made. I would never of had it, but I've had 7 more birthday parties with the grandson.
Her response.....well it is his first birthday, we expect everyone to attend, can't you change your dates? Not even I'm sorry for your brother. This child is not going to even remember his first birthday party.

I can't type my response to her here as I'll be banished for sure...lol. My son said nothing, my husband thought I was going to rip her throat out.
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Old 03-31-2017, 09:09 AM
 
422 posts, read 177,938 times
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I would like to say a few words --- not necessarily in defense of the son, but considering another way of looking at his reaction.

First, to the OP, I am sorry for the loss of your husband --- as women, we are aware that statistically we will outlive our husbands, but it still must be such an awful shock when this happens. I wish you every blessing as you go on without him and I hope that you will find activities and interests to fill your days and give meaning to your life.

The presence of flowers at a funeral has different connotations in different families according to local custom and/or religious practices. It never occurred to me to send flowers to my mother's funeral. I always thought that the purpose of flowers was to give comfort to the family --- not to be a presence at the funeral. I can see where if your son saw cards saying "Beloved Husband" and "Beloved Grandson", that he would wonder why nothing said "Beloved Father".
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Old 03-31-2017, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,471 posts, read 15,913,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
But what if there is not an "estate" but instead, a surviving spouse? Does the surviving spouse pay for all the flowers or do family members kick in?
Among my family, and the few cousins or dear friends that I am very close to and have discussed funerals & their costs, yes, it may have been the surviving spouse and not the estate who ended up paying for the flowers but the adult children may have chipped in as well. But, remember, that in my area it is the custom to ONLY have a spray of flowers on the casket and possibly a smaller spray of flowers inside or a pillow that says "Beloved Grandmother" or "Beloved Grandfather" (if there are great-grandchildren it is normally on the same pillow or small spray of flowers). So there are not huge flower arrangements from every adult child & their family that someone has to buy.

I'll give a very concrete example, when my uncle, with twelve children died. There were NOT twelve elaborate expensive flower arrangements representing each one of his children but one large spray of flowers on the casket from his wife (my aunt) and all of his children. I do know that in his situation his children helped their mother pay for the funeral, including the flowers, as she had a very limited income and little or no savings. And, when you consider the cost of a funeral, the burial plot, the funeral meal, etc. etc. the cost of the flowers on top of the casket is a very small percentage of that total.

When my mother died, my father had the money to pay for a nice, modest, but very appropriate funeral and he insisted that it was his responsibility to do that "as a final gift" to his wife. Again, there were four adult children in the family, all with good jobs, but as if the custom in our area, we did NOT each buy flowers for the funeral. There was a spray of flowers on the casket that said "Beloved Wife" and "Beloved Mother". and a smaller one inside saying "Beloved Grandmother" (not nine separate pillows or nine separate flower displays, one from each grandchild). His adult children, helped select the casket, helped select the flowers, helped plan the funeral, helped organize the funeral meal and we would have been happy to help pay for things, too, but he wanted to do it himself.

My best friend's father died last year. I know that he had completely planned and prepaid for his funeral so that his second wife, in a nursing home with dementia, and his adult children did not have to "worry about anything" or pay for anything because that is what my best friend told me.

Families are different, with different financial levels and different expectations.

Obviously, in your part of the country adult children do buy separate flower displays and obviously that adds greatly to the overall cost of the flowers. But, I do not know if adult children expect their surviving parent to pay for flowers that they selected or not. I suppose it may depend on family customs.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-31-2017 at 10:09 AM..
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Old 03-31-2017, 10:36 AM
 
422 posts, read 177,938 times
Reputation: 1687
This has been interesting reading, causing me to reflect on recent funerals I've attended and the different approaches to final remembrances of loved ones.

I can't remember the last time I saw a casket blanket of flowers but I had only attended a few funerals until the past 10 years or so. Three recent funerals were military and had a flag draped over the casket. My father-in-law's casket had a while pall, embroidered with a cross, over the casket.

More and more in my area, even at a church funeral, there is no casket----only an urn of ashes---sometimes not even that. And increasingly there is not a "funeral" as such but rather a memorial gathering at a home, restaurant, park, fire hall, etc.

Also, I am seeing more and more, a statement in the obituary that, in accordance with the wishes of the deceased, there will be no viewing, funeral, or memorial. That is the way I want to go.

What is the significance of the pillow? I have seen this only once. At my mother's viewing, there was a pillow in the casket from one of the grandchildren. Does this have some significance? I think it's a very sweet idea for a grandchild to want to put in one of his favorite toys or stuffed animals but I don't understand the pillow and at any rate, I'm quite sure this was my sister-in-law's idea, not the grandchild's.

My sister-in-law was quite conscious of "how things should be done" according to "the rules" of her small town southern upbringing and after I suggested that my mother's obituary request donations to the church in lieu of flowers, she kicked me out of the planning and took over. My sister and I had no input as to the arrangements so I should not have been so shocked when the opening hymn was the same one used as the processional at my wedding 10 years earlier. As we stood outside the church, waiting to follow the casket down the aisle ---a custom which I think puts the family too much on display--my sister popped a Valium and said "this is the last southern custom we'll ever have to observe." I could have used a Valium myself at that point as funerals do tend to intensify existing family tensions.

And as I sat in that church, packed with people and flowers, I couldn't help but wonder how many of those people had taken the time to visit my mother in the nursing home the last two years of her life and how many of the flower-senders had ever sent or taken flowers to my mother in the home.
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