U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-31-2017, 10:44 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,055,580 times
Reputation: 20460

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Well I was still in FL and funeral was in NJ, my main concern was returning hubbie to NJ not worrying about flowers.
Can't see too many people just losing their spouse discussing every last detail with people, I was in shock, even though I knew this day was coming after 13 months fighting cancer.
None of this info was included in your original post! You living in Florida and the funeral being held in New Jersey was a big part of the story. The son and father not speaking for awhile was also a HUGE part of the story.

I've been apart of the planning of several funerals where a spouse was lost and every detail was discussed. When my mother-in-law passed away, my father-in-law spent 6 HOURS at the funeral parlor planning every detail. I was there the entire time along with all of his children. Yes, we absolutely discussed flowers! We wanted to make sure EVERYONE who was important in her life was INCLUDED! We didn't want any hard feelings if we could avoid them especially with something as simple as flowers!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-31-2017, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,055,580 times
Reputation: 20460
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Nope, you are reading way too much into it. This son makes everything difficult, it was like pulling teeth to get his SS# when I went to broker to list my beneficiaries, finally told him either you comply or count yourself out of being a beneficiary as broker said until he had the number he would have to leave this one off.

I guess the point of my o/p was that in a time of grief, especially in a large family you can expect that there will be at least one that's going to be a huge pain in the arse.
Nope, not reading too much into anything. You said the father and son didn't speak for 6 months when his father relocated hundreds of miles away. THAT is something! There's a lot of history here. It's definitely about more than flowers.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,930 posts, read 24,062,349 times
Reputation: 10748
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
Nope, not reading too much into anything. You said the father and son didn't speak for 6 months when his father relocated hundreds of miles away. THAT is something! There's a lot of history here. It's definitely about more than flowers.
For sure, his guilt and too late to undo
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,055,580 times
Reputation: 20460
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
For sure, something to ponder down the road. They all love their brother but are unanimous in the dislike for his wife and truth be told this was not his way before he married her. It took a few years but she got that wedge in. The rest of them all get along with each other and the spouses. Sad but we plan on a family Myrtle Beach vacation for my birthday and they didn't invite him as no one wants to be around her.

He is well aware the issue is his wife but in the end she is still his wife, so be it.
Wow! There are sooooooooo many issues! Not including one of your adult children and their family in a family vacation is cold. Very cold. I can see the rudeness is a two way street.

I can't imagine being his wife! She has an ENTIRE family who HATES her....won't even invite them on a "family" vacation. Wow. No wonder the son is closer to his in-laws. People do change when they get married. That's expected. To shut out your brother/son and then complain when he asks about flowers for his dad's funeral? Damn. This family belongs on Springer or Dr. Phil. There's seriously waaaaaaaaaaay more going on here than flowers.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,505 posts, read 17,652,800 times
Reputation: 39975
Ok, so the example you gave of your DIL, she was rude, or socially awkward like you said. But that's the worst she's done? The punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime.

I've put my foot in it so many times with my late husband's in laws, I don't know how they ever tolerated me. But we ended up close, and I am still family with them.

I will leave it with that. You are certainly going through enough, and I am very sorry for your loss.
__________________
____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 10:56 AM
 
422 posts, read 178,868 times
Reputation: 1687
Ss2, I think you are being very unkind in your comments to the OP who is grieving the loss of her husband and appears to want some validation of her feeling of being hurt by her son's actions.

People don't come to this forum to be verbally beat up on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,930 posts, read 24,062,349 times
Reputation: 10748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Ok, so the example you gave of your DIL, she was rude, or socially awkward like you said. But that's the worst she's done? The punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime.

I've put my foot in it so many times with my late husband's in laws, I don't know how they ever tolerated me. But we ended up close, and I am still family with them.

I will leave it with that. You are certainly going through enough, and I am very sorry for your loss.
No, unfortunately as I said it was my first encounter, I would need to write a novel here.
I try and maintain a semblance of niceness so I can see the kids, that said I can not force the rest of the family to embrace her
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 11:05 AM
 
2,054 posts, read 984,917 times
Reputation: 3925
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
Wow! There are sooooooooo many issues! Not including one of your adult children and their family in a family vacation is cold. Very cold. I can see the rudeness is a two way street.

I can't imagine being his wife! She has an ENTIRE family who HATES her....won't even invite them on a "family" vacation. Wow. No wonder the son is closer to his in-laws. People do change when they get married. That's expected. To shut out your brother/son and then complain when he asks about flowers for his dad's funeral? Damn. This family belongs on Springer or Dr. Phil. There's seriously waaaaaaaaaaay more going on here than flowers.
We don't know what the daughter in law is like but obviously most of the family feel the same way about her. Yes people change after marriage but sometimes the change is detrimental.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,930 posts, read 24,062,349 times
Reputation: 10748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nefret View Post
Ss2, I think you are being very unkind in your comments to the OP who is grieving the loss of her husband and appears to want some validation of her feeling of being hurt by her son's actions.

People don't come to this forum to be verbally beat up on.
Thank you so much for your kind words, unfortunately this thread is not privy to my whole personal life nor do you need to be bored by it.

I take rude comments with a grain of salt.

By buying flowers from me and the grands and not buying one from the kids may have been an oversight on my part but they could have bought or chipped in with each other for an arrangement.

I'm mostly surprised by all who had it all together and did everything right after a spouse passed, to the point of being at funeral home for 6 hours planning, 6 hours, I can't even imagine, would have not had the stamina to endure that. I'm surprised that the same posters that think me mean spirited are really not that much different.
Me after 13 months of care giving and knew the day was coming was in shock.

My solace is my husband had a beautiful wake, with fire dept and navy and so many callers. My daughter did a beautiful video of his life with the music he liked in background.
He is now hopefully resting peacefully in a veterans cemetery.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2017, 11:24 AM
 
6,908 posts, read 3,743,709 times
Reputation: 4612
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
Wow! There are sooooooooo many issues! Not including one of your adult children and their family in a family vacation is cold. Very cold. I can see the rudeness is a two way street.

I can't imagine being his wife! She has an ENTIRE family who HATES her....won't even invite them on a "family" vacation. Wow. No wonder the son is closer to his in-laws. People do change when they get married. That's expected. To shut out your brother/son and then complain when he asks about flowers for his dad's funeral? Damn. This family belongs on Springer or Dr. Phil. There's seriously waaaaaaaaaaay more going on here than flowers.
My brothers wife was very awkward when she first joined our family 17 years ago. Now she fits in perfectly and I consider her my sister, not just my sister in law.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top