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Old 03-31-2017, 11:43 AM
Location: South Carolina
13,107 posts, read 17,646,574 times
Reputation: 22459


omg a calculator ? really some people can be so petty . Yes I think you did right by not paying for flowers that should have come from the adult children who have good jobs and are living on their own .

I feel sorry for people who are so petty to pull our a calculator at a funeral ...that is just beyond tacky . I don't think anything else is going on other than a supposed adult who is acting like he is 5 . I cannot believe that the adult kids expected her to pay for flowers from them.
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Old 03-31-2017, 12:10 PM
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,052,184 times
Reputation: 20460
Originally Posted by Nefret View Post
Ss2, I think you are being very unkind in your comments to the OP who is grieving the loss of her husband and appears to want some validation of her feeling of being hurt by her son's actions.

People don't come to this forum to be verbally beat up on.
I don't have to give her validation of her feelings about her son. There's FAR more to this story than she initially presented. She acted like she had no idea what was going on when in fact there is a VERY LONG history here of issues.

If people can't handle the truth, then don't post on a public forum. You'll hear things you don't want to hear. That's life. I'd say the exact same thing to her in person. This was NEVER about funeral flowers!
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Old 03-31-2017, 12:21 PM
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,504 posts, read 17,642,239 times
Reputation: 39974
This is the grief and loss forum.

Why would you need to share your "truth" (it's an opinion, not a truth), repeatedly, with someone who just suffered a loss?
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
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Old 03-31-2017, 12:38 PM
3,137 posts, read 1,618,905 times
Reputation: 5955
OP I am sorry for your loss, and also sorry that you have received some unkind responses here.
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Old 03-31-2017, 03:27 PM
2,084 posts, read 794,495 times
Reputation: 4055
I guess you could suck it up and do the right thing... pay by yourself and know that you helped make the funeral lovely for your departed... setting family "stuff" aside at a reverent time.

OR Perhaps you could blurt out that you need a contribution toward the expenses and then hold out your hand (literally).

Keep in mind that Adults are a product of what they learned from their parents during childhood.
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Old 04-01-2017, 07:03 AM
15,832 posts, read 18,446,953 times
Reputation: 25619
You have gone through and are dealing with enough.

Try not to focus on this son and his obvious issues. You already know your son is like this. His behaviors are probably already alienating him from his siblings.

Try to love him regardless, and it is ok to be mad at him. really angry at his heartless comments......just don't take his complaining to heart. I would be angry at him for not ordering father arrangements....but you did say no flowers.

In fact I think the folks sharing his comments with you seems heartless. They shouldn't be making you feel bad by carrying tales. imo

If you really want to you could have a come back ready if he ever confronts the issue with you directly....turn it around on him..."Yes....I was a bit hurt that you hadn't sent anything to commemorate your father."

Take heart that your other kids helped some.

I'm sorry for your loss.
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Old 04-01-2017, 11:21 AM
4,113 posts, read 3,450,347 times
Reputation: 8192
Your son was out of line. If flowers were important to him, he should have purchased some. Period.

I am sorry for your loss.
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Old 04-01-2017, 01:59 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,242 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60114
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
Wish you would have said if the son sent flowers.
I thought it was clear that the son did not--he is complaining because his mother did not buy flowers that represented him.
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Old 04-01-2017, 02:06 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,242 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60114
Originally Posted by exit82 View Post
I've read about a billion different threads on C/D about families who can't even figure out how to equitably split the bill for a dinner out- I'd hate to hear what they go thru to have pot head Fred pony up for his share of joint flowers- I'll stick to sending my own flowers.
I had forgotten about this, but yes, when my Dad died 17 years ago, I remember I ordered Beloved Father flowers and then told my siblings what their share was IF they cared to contribute. Some paid, some had the usual sob stories. No surprises.
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Old 04-02-2017, 03:10 PM
Location: Wonderland
40,957 posts, read 32,676,353 times
Reputation: 57068
Originally Posted by Nefret View Post
This has been interesting reading, causing me to reflect on recent funerals I've attended and the different approaches to final remembrances of loved ones.

I can't remember the last time I saw a casket blanket of flowers but I had only attended a few funerals until the past 10 years or so. Three recent funerals were military and had a flag draped over the casket. My father-in-law's casket had a while pall, embroidered with a cross, over the casket.

More and more in my area, even at a church funeral, there is no casket----only an urn of ashes---sometimes not even that. And increasingly there is not a "funeral" as such but rather a memorial gathering at a home, restaurant, park, fire hall, etc.

Also, I am seeing more and more, a statement in the obituary that, in accordance with the wishes of the deceased, there will be no viewing, funeral, or memorial. That is the way I want to go.

What is the significance of the pillow? I have seen this only once. At my mother's viewing, there was a pillow in the casket from one of the grandchildren. Does this have some significance? I think it's a very sweet idea for a grandchild to want to put in one of his favorite toys or stuffed animals but I don't understand the pillow and at any rate, I'm quite sure this was my sister-in-law's idea, not the grandchild's.

My sister-in-law was quite conscious of "how things should be done" according to "the rules" of her small town southern upbringing and after I suggested that my mother's obituary request donations to the church in lieu of flowers, she kicked me out of the planning and took over. My sister and I had no input as to the arrangements so I should not have been so shocked when the opening hymn was the same one used as the processional at my wedding 10 years earlier. As we stood outside the church, waiting to follow the casket down the aisle ---a custom which I think puts the family too much on display--my sister popped a Valium and said "this is the last southern custom we'll ever have to observe." I could have used a Valium myself at that point as funerals do tend to intensify existing family tensions.

And as I sat in that church, packed with people and flowers, I couldn't help but wonder how many of those people had taken the time to visit my mother in the nursing home the last two years of her life and how many of the flower-senders had ever sent or taken flowers to my mother in the home.
I got a kick out of reading your post as well as many others on this thread as well! If we can say this sort of thing in the Grief section of C-D.

Just a few musings:

1) My family is deeply southern and I'm sorry but I've never attended a funeral in the south or anywhere else where the family followed the casket down the aisle. Wow, that would be uncomfortable to me, that's for sure! Every funeral I've been to, the attendees walk up the aisle, often hugging or patting the family members on the way up, then walk past the casket to say a final goodbye, and then they exit the church, letting the family be the last ones to walk past the casket and say goodbye in the privacy of the church. Then the family is ushered out a side door into a private waiting area. I personally really like that format.

2) I've also never seen one of these famous - or infamous - pillows in a casket, with anything embroidered on it. These pillows are a great mystery to me.

3) I much prefer a flag draped casket if the deceased is a veteran or some sort of public servant. I have seen about half of the caskets at southern funerals draped with something or other (a flag, a quilt, or in one case, a letter jacket and a few childhood items - very sad funeral for a high school student) and about half with a spray of flowers on the top. Unfortunately, I've attended about five funerals of children or teenagers killed in accidents. I think in every one of those cases, there were mementos rather than flowers on the top of the casket.
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