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Old 03-29-2017, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,925 posts, read 24,048,548 times
Reputation: 10734

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I guess there is one in every family. At my husbands funeral I ordered a casket spray that said beloved husband and a casket pillow that said beloved grandfather.
In his obit I had requested in lieu of flowers to make donations in his name to St Judes Childrens hospital, as we both thought flowers especially when one is being cremated are a waste.

Well I've been told one son took exception and wanted to know where flowers that said beloved father were.

I don't think it was my responsibility to order and pay for flowers from adult kids all with good paying jobs.

As it was this one son never opened his wallet for anything, meaning several dinners we went out to as a family it was always me or one of the other kids paying. He offered once and out came the calculator, so I grabbed it as he and his wife really nickel and dime, something that used to drive my husband nuts. They are not broke or struggling either.

Taking it from the source, not really upset just venting.
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Old 03-29-2017, 02:08 PM
 
8,142 posts, read 5,998,122 times
Reputation: 10553
Completely confused as to what you're trying to say here.

I do commend you on the "in lieu of..".. For a couple of reasons.. First being that I think flowers are a total waste at any funeral and second.. SOMEONE is going to do flowers, regardless of what you say.

I will say, if you do get an abundance of flowers, always consider taking them to a local nursing home or similar, as that seems to be a very big hit with the residents.

But.. Did the son give money for flowers and want to know where they were? If that's the case.. that's something of a tough situation.. He sent money specifically for flowers.. Probably would have been best to say "We're not doing flowers, I can send this to St Jude in his name or send it back".. But.. I'm not sure that's what you're saying.
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Old 03-29-2017, 02:45 PM
 
4,932 posts, read 2,562,297 times
Reputation: 21884
Quote:
Originally Posted by Labonte18 View Post
I don't think it was my responsibility to order and pay for flowers from adult kids all with good paying jobs.
As a mother of adult sons--if my spouse would pass away, I would have a casket spray that said beloved husband, father and grandfather.
I do think it is your responsibility to include the entire family.
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Old 03-29-2017, 03:07 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
5,860 posts, read 7,082,141 times
Reputation: 14068
Your son might be cheap, etc.

What I did find odd about your post is that you took responsibility to order flowers from the grandchildren but not the children. I assume those grandchildren belong to the adult kids with good jobs.

I also find it unusual that you and your children did not discuss flowers. Whenever there is a funeral in my family we discuss the "flowers." Two examples: when my nephew passed my siblings and I talked about flowers from aunts/uncles and from the cousins. I'm sure we informed my parents about this so they didn't worry. We didn't tell the my nephew's parents as it was not their responsibility to worry about it. They had enough going on (to put it mildly). Recently an uncle passed away. Again, we all communicated with each other about flowers. We also let my parents know so they knew we had this covered. (again--not their job).

Is it possible that you did actually have a conversation about flowers with this son and he assumed when you said you ordered flowers you included one from the "children." We tend to forget things following a death, even if expected.
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Old 03-29-2017, 03:21 PM
 
4,932 posts, read 2,562,297 times
Reputation: 21884
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post

I don't think it was my responsibility to order and pay for flowers from adult kids all with good paying jobs.
I think you are using the money as an excuse. I just don't get you. We are burying my Mother this week--I just naturally ordered flowers that included all of our names. We are a family--even though my sons are adults with good paying jobs. Never even thought for a second about who is going to pay for the flowers or if I should include their names.

Sorry--it is not about the money--something else is going on in your family to leave them out like that. You knew what you were doing... You can either choose to be part of a solution or part of a problem. You picked "problem" at a really horrible time.

That was tacky--funerals are not the time to do this kind of thing.
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Old 03-29-2017, 03:48 PM
 
8,218 posts, read 8,495,554 times
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Wish you would have said if the son sent flowers.
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Old 03-29-2017, 04:10 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,480 posts, read 13,334,142 times
Reputation: 19899
Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
I would have a casket spray that said beloved husband, father and grandfather.
Agree, it seems a little odd to have skipped over the 'father' if husband and grandfather were included. It would make me wonder if there was some sort of an issue.
Did your son make a contribution to St Jude on the assumption that the flowers that were ordered would be representative of the entire family? Even if he didn't I still find leaving out the children to be odd and I understand his being upset.
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Old 03-29-2017, 05:10 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,782,209 times
Reputation: 33905
Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
I guess there is one in every family. At my husbands funeral I ordered a casket spray that said beloved husband and a casket pillow that said beloved grandfather.
In his obit I had requested in lieu of flowers to make donations in his name to St Judes Childrens hospital, as we both thought flowers especially when one is being cremated are a waste.

Well I've been told one son took exception and wanted to know where flowers that said beloved father were.

I don't think it was my responsibility to order and pay for flowers from adult kids all with good paying jobs.

As it was this one son never opened his wallet for anything, meaning several dinners we went out to as a family it was always me or one of the other kids paying. He offered once and out came the calculator, so I grabbed it as he and his wife really nickel and dime, something that used to drive my husband nuts. They are not broke or struggling either.

Taking it from the source, not really upset just venting.
Funerals are emotional occasions for everybody. Don't put too much store in what you heard NJKate. It was not your responsibility to order flowers from the children, OR the grandchildren. But doing one doesn't obligate you to do the other. Just tell your son his father would be thrilled to know he donated to the charity of choice.
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Old 03-29-2017, 05:10 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,872 posts, read 32,642,286 times
Reputation: 56989
Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
As a mother of adult sons--if my spouse would pass away, I would have a casket spray that said beloved husband, father and grandfather.
I do think it is your responsibility to include the entire family.
Wow, really?

My dad passed away recently. It never occurred to me that my mother would pay for flowers from the three adult kids. I mean, we're all ADULTS - in our forties and fifties. With decent incomes and abilities. Why on earth should our mother pay for flowers from the adult kids?

I'm just flabbergasted really.

That being said, we all met together to plan the flowers and no one was left out. Each adult child bought a nice big spray of flowers. I think each of them had a big banner or ribbon that said "Dad."

These were donated to a family who couldn't afford flowers for their loved one after the funeral.
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Old 03-29-2017, 05:22 PM
 
1,156 posts, read 2,289,212 times
Reputation: 3401
Well I've been told one son took exception and wanted to know where flowers that said beloved father were.

I don't think it was my responsibility to order and pay for flowers from adult kids all with good paying jobs.

I totally get you OP-when my father died the kids (my siblings and I) sent our own flowers- some of us went in together on a couple arrangements as well. After the service they were sent to my moms home. I would never in a million years expect my mother to order and pay for flowers from her adult children and for the life of me don't understand why so many people here think you are in the wrong for not doing it. When your son asked where they were I simply would have asked "what did you order?" As for the same son- pulling out the calculator- like you said- there's one in every family.

I'm sorry for your loss.
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