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Old 05-05-2017, 02:05 PM
 
Location: South Florida
4,524 posts, read 4,853,516 times
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When I get in a bad place missing my father.. I make a donation to a charity or cause I think he'd get a kick out of.
He always rooted for the underdog.. so I look for some oddball quirky cause.
Hope this helps.
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Old 05-06-2017, 04:18 PM
 
Location: Erie, PA
2,267 posts, read 924,043 times
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You've already figured a lot of it out by yourself by your example of dancing to honor your aunt who loved music and dance.

I sometimes have the same issue of feeling sad when I recall relatives that I have lost over the years so have found similar ways to try and celebrate their memories rather than dwell on the negative experiences of losing them. There were many positive experiences that I had with them while they were alive; losing them was only a small part of the experience I had with them.

My paternal grandmother loved animal-print fabrics/clothing and also loved odd little animal statues. I have those around a photo of her which of course is framed in a frame with zebra stripes, lol. Well, she wouldn't have wanted a boring old wooden frame. My maternal grandmother loved sewing so I have her sewing box and her photo in a frame decorated with sewing implements. And so on for other relatives that I've lost.

I gather up donations to celebrate my paternal grandmother's birthday for the thrift shops as this was one of her favorite charities. I donate to the food banks for my maternal grandmother's birthday as this was her favorite way to be charitable. I also grow roses because both of my grandmothers loved them--pink for maternal grandmother and red for paternal grandmother.

It's normal to periodically recall and miss the ones that you lost.

But it sounds like you have found healthy ways to remember your loved ones.
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Old 05-06-2017, 08:45 PM
 
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I have nothing at all against remembering the good times (I do that a lot myself) or against trying to be positive. But let us not forget that when you have lost a child or a spouse that you have spent decades with, or another person who was an intimate part of your life every day, the pain of grief will often make "thinking positive" impossible, at least for a period of time. While trying to honor the lost in a positive way, don't forget that people who are in deep, desperate, agonizing grief are not doing anything "wrong."
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:06 PM
 
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Well said g grasshopper!
My positive is putting one foot in front of the other...
But no I am not dancing on their grave or singing happy happy joy joy. It's just not in my nature.
I recall a co worker who for months chided others because she grieved her Dad in such positive ways. I saw her "denial" though shatter ..When she hit that reality wall..And actually started the grieving process. It wasn't pretty ..And she by that time had lost any support from us who went before her in the process. Her snide remarks on our grieving came back to nest at her door. So the positive was that she finally became human..And not a parrot repeating how strong she was ...Sometimes being "vulnerable" to the waves of grief are the positive.
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Old 05-06-2017, 11:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Why don't you go out and purchase a pink rose bush, plant it in a planter or in your yard...give it your mother's given name, water it, care for it, talk to it, b/c then you would be talking to her. Let her know your feelings....it would be kind of like a shrine to her memory in honor of the love you shared.

Life goes on, your mother just went to a different place, in time, you will see her and walk with her again...but one thing you must remember, always, your mother loved you, from the deepest part of her soul....and you loved her, and gave her so much joy and happiness...through you, she was able to view the smallest parts of joy, that were actually the biggest and fondest of memories....you gave her purpose, life, and love....

Now let her see you understand that she would want you to continue on with your journey. You are her legacy, and all she wants for you is happiness, to view colors, rainbows, a clear blue sky, summer birds chirping in the early morning hours of first light. Don't ever feel guilty for laughing and loving again...to grieve is normal, but there comes a time in all of our lives, when we must move on to continue and fulfill our loved one's legacies. Please don't punish yourself b/c the rose bush died...celebrate life, and know in your heart, that love is there forever more.

Hugs
I can and I should, thank you for encouraging me. It's a guilt thing. That I didn't keep hers alive. And that one would have meant more to me.

Perhaps there is something else over there that I can take part off and transplant here to give me that feeling of continuity I am seeking.

Also, I 'feel' her everywhere over there. Especially in the garden. Perhaps due to all the living things that contain her essence. Transplants would bring some of that here. I have her garden bunny. He is my favorite object of hers that I kept!
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Old 05-06-2017, 11:17 PM
 
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I lost my father not too long ago, he was my best friend and my right brain. I was devastated when he died and I am still grieving, it gets hard cause I constantly surrounded by memories of him in the town I am in. I constantly grieve how he passed, which was unnatural and sad. It breaks my heart, but I always try to tell myself that he is in a better place and no longer suffering. I also learn how to not be afraid of death cause it part of living, we don't die we become reborn. We are energy and energy never dies. You have to see your loved one as being reborn and they are in a better place. You don't have to worry about them being harmed by the evils of our society cause they have crossed on to a different journey. Remember them and remember the good times. I am thankful that me and my father had a strong relationship and I never abandoned even to the very end. We had our differences but he knew that I had his back.
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Old 05-07-2017, 02:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Well said g grasshopper!
My positive is putting one foot in front of the other...
But no I am not dancing on their grave or singing happy happy joy joy. It's just not in my nature.
I recall a co worker who for months chided others because she grieved her Dad in such positive ways. I saw her "denial" though shatter ..When she hit that reality wall..And actually started the grieving process. It wasn't pretty ..And she by that time had lost any support from us who went before her in the process. Her snide remarks on our grieving came back to nest at her door. So the positive was that she finally became human..And not a parrot repeating how strong she was ...Sometimes being "vulnerable" to the waves of grief are the positive.
Agreed. There is a thin line between grieving in a "positive way" and denial. I would not judge anyone writing in because I have no way of knowing what they are going through or whether an individual is handling loss in a healthy way. I just don't want people who are in deep pain and looking for solace to read this thread and feel that if they are not able to pay joyful tribute that they are wrong in what they are feeling, or that they should put on a happy face so that their grief looks positive. We need to be honest with ourselves about what we feel. Hopefully, all of us will be able to return to a happiness in life, despite the hole that remains in our hearts. But, as has been said, grief is a road that that must be traveled, and for many, it is the hardest road in life. Denial in that situation really only delays our eventual return to living. May we all feel supported and accepted, wherever we are on that road.
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Old 05-07-2017, 05:31 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
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My wife was more concerned about me taking care of the two cats than she was me taking care of myself. She said I know you can take care of yourself but I worry about you taking care of them. Well I do take good care of them and once in a while I tell them that if they talk to her, tell her they are being well taken care of.
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Old 05-18-2017, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,252,516 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
My wife was more concerned about me taking care of the two cats than she was me taking care of myself. She said I know you can take care of yourself but I worry about you taking care of them. Well I do take good care of them and once in a while I tell them that if they talk to her, tell her they are being well taken care of.
Before my husband passed he would tell me he wanted to come back as a cat. He felt the cats here have a pretty good life. WE have 7 of them. Three outside most of the year because they are wild. One old one I can bring in but she has to have her own room because she hates the house kitties. I just built this for the house kitties to get out and air their hides. I also re-did the patio making it larger when I moved the large kennel over 8 foot then spreading out the pavers in the checker board pattern so I did not have to buy more.


In grief I am working through it by taking care of me. I know my hubby would not want me unhappy. Of course there are times of deep sadness that he is gone. As some one else said spending decades with some one in your life then they are gone is quite a blow to the heart. For now I am doing as much as possible within strict financial reason to make me happy. A lot of it involves serious hard work. Some of it is just for fun because it gives me joy. A lot of it is to help make my life alone easier to cope with. Less snow shoveling during the brutal winter. Easier yard work during the hot summer. More time to just enjoy life. I guess right now I might be considered being a little selfish but I am worth it. Tomorrow will be 9 months he has been gone. I am going to go to a yard sale and pick up some more empty wine bottles for my bottle trees then go help my friend with her yard sale. A busy but fun day.
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Old 05-18-2017, 11:57 AM
 
4,104 posts, read 3,444,432 times
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I plant trees in memory of people who I miss.
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