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Old 04-19-2017, 08:24 PM
 
332 posts, read 168,602 times
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I have had family members pass away that meant a lot to me and had an impact on my life while growing up. Sometimes whenever my mind brings up memories of them (either on there birthdays, the date they died or just whenever really), I can't help but break down crying, and it feels like im losing everyone I care about, all the people that have uplifted me and were in my corner, all the people who have gave me life and made me feel genuinely happy are gone. It feels like life has lost a little bit of of its UMMMPFH since they have died.

I do allow myself to cry and be sad, but I don't want to stay stuck feeling so helpless and depressed, or to give up living life for me. Just because life goes on after someone we love dies, does not mean it is the same. Lately I have been trying to focus on the good times, the good memories, and Im trying to find a drive for life again as I remember them.

For example, an aunt that passed away, she LOVED music and to dance, she was always trying to get me out of my shell. So instead of crying and being sad, to honor her memory, I will play music, dress up and dance a lot, sometimes even sing!...it makes me feel revitalized, and I feel it is something she would want me to do, to be happy, to move, to feel joy in life, and to allow myself to move past the bad instead of living in a funk.

Is there anyone else who I guess puts a positive spin on grieving, or does something positive after the grieving period (for lack of better words).
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Old 04-19-2017, 08:59 PM
 
5,162 posts, read 2,992,030 times
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I was helped by reading "On Grief and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It explains the grief process and helped me to understand what I was experiencing. It also helped me to learn not to have unreasonable expectations about my grief. Today there are a multitude of books on grief to suit nearly any loss you can experience.


May I suggest reframing your grief from calling it "breaking down" to something which sounds more constructive? I like to call it "grief work."


While I don't sometimes have a choice about when a new wave of grief will surprise me I do have a choice about whether to embrace it or reject it. And I have also learned that rejection of grief may lead to health problems so that gives me incentive. Just as I would want to clear out unhealthy thoughts or bacterial infections I know that taking care of myself means staying up to date on my grief work so that it doesn't go underground, pile up and cause stress-related illness.


So while I never look forward to dealing with grief I know that it is a normal and natural process and means that I'm functioning as a healthy human being. It is a frightening thing to step into your "grief room" and I understand the fear of how deep it possibly could go. But there is a distinct difference between clinical depression and grief. One may need some medical help to relieve and the other should be manageable in daily doses with help from friends and family, educational materials and other techniques such as the music and dancing you talk about.


With practice you may even be able to set aside a given period of time to grieve when your heart is heavy and not allow it to dominate your entire existence. Those feelings belong to you and despite the fear that they can sweep you away people do have some control over their management. Too many of us are never taught that.


Thinking about grief as something I do to take care of myself similar to regular bathing or brushing my teeth makes me feel good about what I can do to take responsibility for my health care. None of these ideas happened overnight but were learned through a decades-long process. Most of it I learned through being willing to grieve and gradually understanding what worked for me.
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Old 04-19-2017, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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"So instead of crying and being sad, to honor her memory, I will play music, dress up and dance a lot, sometimes even sing!...it makes me feel revitalized, and I feel it is something she would want me to do, to be happy, to move, to feel joy in life, and to allow myself to move past the bad instead of living in a funk."

You already have it figured out. I'll leave it for others to expand upon.
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Old 04-22-2017, 09:05 PM
 
549 posts, read 819,144 times
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I think that is a great idea. I also have been thinking about ways to "deal" with those times when the sadness is at its worst. I am planting a flower garden in memory of my mom with her favorite flowers in it. This will be a long term process and one I look forward to doing. I no longer feel the deep sadness when I look at my sister's pictures. There will always be a huge piece of me missing simply because of the way she died. It is different at least for me in that my mom was elderly and had lung cancer and my friend was 84 and had Parkinson's whereas my sister was only 43 and died under suspicious circumstances. That is a hole that just won't make sense until I meet her again.
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Old 04-28-2017, 06:34 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,531 posts, read 42,694,765 times
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We need to think about the fact that, although they have physically left us, people we love are always with us. They helped shape who we are. If we believe that life is just a passage, then it is easier to bear.
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Old 05-03-2017, 01:12 AM
 
11,611 posts, read 5,449,768 times
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I don't know what to do. I feel I messed up chances I had. Like there was this pink rose bush. I had given it to my mother and she had cared for it for years. I let it die in the sun. I forgot about it. I kept meaning to take it and there was always chaos over there with my brother which is not excusable reason not to keep that thing alive. I would love it on my patio to care for and think of her with. And I feel that she is sad all her plants are dead. My brother immediately had the others thrown out. I think she would also like to look down on it. That may seem silly but it's what I feel.

I think I am in the wrong thread though because I've lost all ability to even try to do anything positive. I am having a fresh wave of grief shortly after the two year anniversary and I feel lost.

I do not know what to do with it. Positive or some sort of ritual that some cultures/religions have.

I swear if I believed at this point I'd drink peyote or whatever to have some sort of spiritual experience.

Or pick up some of the dirt from her house. Anything! But if it holds no meaning to me how would that work?

I noticed my Dad picking mulberries, I think it was, from the hospital. I asked him what for and he said to plant. I wonder if he was planting a living reminder in his yard.
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:25 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,266,873 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
I don't know what to do. I feel I messed up chances I had. Like there was this pink rose bush. I had given it to my mother and she had cared for it for years. I let it die in the sun. I forgot about it. I kept meaning to take it and there was always chaos over there with my brother which is not excusable reason not to keep that thing alive. I would love it on my patio to care for and think of her with. And I feel that she is sad all her plants are dead. My brother immediately had the others thrown out. I think she would also like to look down on it. That may seem silly but it's what I feel.

I think I am in the wrong thread though because I've lost all ability to even try to do anything positive. I am having a fresh wave of grief shortly after the two year anniversary and I feel lost.

I do not know what to do with it. Positive or some sort of ritual that some cultures/religions have.

I swear if I believed at this point I'd drink peyote or whatever to have some sort of spiritual experience.

Or pick up some of the dirt from her house. Anything! But if it holds no meaning to me how would that work?

I noticed my Dad picking mulberries, I think it was, from the hospital. I asked him what for and he said to plant. I wonder if he was planting a living reminder in his yard.
Why don't you go out and purchase a pink rose bush, plant it in a planter or in your yard...give it your mother's given name, water it, care for it, talk to it, b/c then you would be talking to her. Let her know your feelings....it would be kind of like a shrine to her memory in honor of the love you shared.

Life goes on, your mother just went to a different place, in time, you will see her and walk with her again...but one thing you must remember, always, your mother loved you, from the deepest part of her soul....and you loved her, and gave her so much joy and happiness...through you, she was able to view the smallest parts of joy, that were actually the biggest and fondest of memories....you gave her purpose, life, and love....

Now let her see you understand that she would want you to continue on with your journey. You are her legacy, and all she wants for you is happiness, to view colors, rainbows, a clear blue sky, summer birds chirping in the early morning hours of first light. Don't ever feel guilty for laughing and loving again...to grieve is normal, but there comes a time in all of our lives, when we must move on to continue and fulfill our loved one's legacies.

Hugs
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Old 05-03-2017, 05:27 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,266,873 times
Reputation: 15310
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
I don't know what to do. I feel I messed up chances I had. Like there was this pink rose bush. I had given it to my mother and she had cared for it for years. I let it die in the sun. I forgot about it. I kept meaning to take it and there was always chaos over there with my brother which is not excusable reason not to keep that thing alive. I would love it on my patio to care for and think of her with. And I feel that she is sad all her plants are dead. My brother immediately had the others thrown out. I think she would also like to look down on it. That may seem silly but it's what I feel.

I think I am in the wrong thread though because I've lost all ability to even try to do anything positive. I am having a fresh wave of grief shortly after the two year anniversary and I feel lost.

I do not know what to do with it. Positive or some sort of ritual that some cultures/religions have.

I swear if I believed at this point I'd drink peyote or whatever to have some sort of spiritual experience.

Or pick up some of the dirt from her house. Anything! But if it holds no meaning to me how would that work?

I noticed my Dad picking mulberries, I think it was, from the hospital. I asked him what for and he said to plant. I wonder if he was planting a living reminder in his yard.
Why don't you go out and purchase a pink rose bush, plant it in a planter or in your yard...give it your mother's given name, water it, care for it, talk to it, b/c then you would be talking to her. Let her know your feelings....it would be kind of like a shrine to her memory in honor of the love you shared.

Life goes on, your mother just went to a different place, in time, you will see her and walk with her again...but one thing you must remember, always, your mother loved you, from the deepest part of her soul....and you loved her, and gave her so much joy and happiness...through you, she was able to view the smallest parts of joy, that were actually the biggest and fondest of memories....you gave her purpose, life, and love....

Now let her see you understand that she would want you to continue on with your journey. You are her legacy, and all she wants for you is happiness, to view colors, rainbows, a clear blue sky, summer birds chirping in the early morning hours of first light. Don't ever feel guilty for laughing and loving again...to grieve is normal, but there comes a time in all of our lives, when we must move on to continue and fulfill our loved one's legacies. Please don't punish yourself b/c the rose bush died...celebrate life, and know in your heart, that love is there forever more.

Hugs
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
7,961 posts, read 6,706,083 times
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My wife had some very nice business clothes including a $1K Burberry's Trench Coat. I donated her things to Goodwill with the hope/belief that some woman would find the perfect outfit for a job/school interview and would become a success in life.

Could I have sold things? Maybe. Do I feel better for what I did? Yes. A little positive grief.
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Old 05-05-2017, 01:57 PM
 
715 posts, read 412,035 times
Reputation: 978
Quote:
Originally Posted by bewitchyou View Post
I have had family members pass away that meant a lot to me and had an impact on my life while growing up. Sometimes whenever my mind brings up memories of them (either on there birthdays, the date they died or just whenever really), I can't help but break down crying, and it feels like im losing everyone I care about, all the people that have uplifted me and were in my corner, all the people who have gave me life and made me feel genuinely happy are gone. It feels like life has lost a little bit of of its UMMMPFH since they have died.

I do allow myself to cry and be sad, but I don't want to stay stuck feeling so helpless and depressed, or to give up living life for me. Just because life goes on after someone we love dies, does not mean it is the same. Lately I have been trying to focus on the good times, the good memories, and Im trying to find a drive for life again as I remember them.

For example, an aunt that passed away, she LOVED music and to dance, she was always trying to get me out of my shell. So instead of crying and being sad, to honor her memory, I will play music, dress up and dance a lot, sometimes even sing!...it makes me feel revitalized, and I feel it is something she would want me to do, to be happy, to move, to feel joy in life, and to allow myself to move past the bad instead of living in a funk.

Is there anyone else who I guess puts a positive spin on grieving, or does something positive after the grieving period (for lack of better words).
So those who came Before you celebrated life & love WITH you so that you would know ; now it's your turn to celebrate life & love with those Behind you so that they will know!
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