U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-25-2017, 09:18 PM
 
4 posts, read 3,189 times
Reputation: 25

Advertisements

Found this forum thanks to google and hope I can get some advice and support. As in the title I am a widower and in a very unique situation. My wife of three years passed a little over a week ago, 9 days to be exact. Thing is we had a older woman/younger man relationship. I am 32 and she was 44. We were very compatible though, met her on an online game even.

I woke up early for work and immediately went to take a shower and get ready, she was sleeping face down and I didn't want to wake her so I just took my shower and once I got out I put on my clothes and before I left decided to wake her to see if she wanted or needed anything before I left... Only she didn't move. Very quickly I turned her over and to my horror saw she was gone. I called 911 and they got here there was nothing they could do.

She had no prior health issues or taking any medications. She just had a heart attack during the night. Even before we went to bed she was fine. She was 44 but that's still way too young for someone to die that way especially with no prior issues but I was told it's rare but can happen.

Just dealing with this is bad enough but there is a issue, that with her sister. She lives about an hour away and they did NOT get along. My wife had no children and both parents deceased. The one and only time I me her sister prior it was them arguing and yelling at each other. Never talked on the phone online or anything. Well, I did contact her sister to let her know and that day she drove down and of all things she said there were some things of my wife's she wanted. I told her I don't want to deal with this right now. She got angry and left. She did not even go to her funeral! But she calls me saying she wants to get some things.

Now the property, house etc were my wife's but she didn't have a will. I haven't even slept on the bed since just the couch. So for me you can see how awful this whole thing is, being my age and a widower and dealing with a mean greedy sister in law. My wife not having a will or children makes it also complicated. Granted, a lot of the stuff in her house is not something I really need or want but I don't think just letting her sister come in and take whatever she wants is good either.

Anyway, I am going to see someone to help me get through this, mainly the grieving part is by far the worst.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-25-2017, 10:07 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,560,505 times
Reputation: 17235
Wow 44??????

I am so sorry.......... Im glad you came and shared this,maybe we can try to help you feel better I dunno............

No I dont think letting her sister take things is good either....


Im so sorry my friend... Welcome to city-data
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2017, 10:42 PM
 
Location: Georgia, USA
21,622 posts, read 26,322,884 times
Reputation: 26740
So sorry for your loss, Hanose.

You should talk with an attorney to find out the law in your state, but I suspect you are your wife's only heir. I doubt her sister has any claim on her estate.

How an Estate Is Settled If There's No Will: Intestate Succession | Nolo.com

If you can tolerate talking to her, you could ask your SIL to describe exactly what she wants. Then decide whether you want her to have it or not. Do not let her in the house though.

Did your wife have any other siblings? Any nieces or nephews? Are there any family heirlooms? If so, are there family members that you might actually like to receive those things?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2017, 02:21 AM
 
3,988 posts, read 5,279,233 times
Reputation: 4588
Your story is surprising and sad. I am sorry that your wife died so young and so suddenly. I'm sure it has been a great shock to you.
I pretty much agree with what has been said. I doubt that anyone but you has any claim to her assets, but it wouldn't hurt to check with a lawyer. Your state may have laws about people who die without a will. Also you might check with your home owner's insurance. Mine was pretty much worthless until I went through probate, as the insurance company said they would pay no claims without my husband's signature until probate was done. (And they wouldn't remove his name from the insurance in the same way.) You will also have to look into ownership of her car, if it was in her name. I would talk to an estate lawyer.

With your sister-in-law. I would stop all communication at this time. As suzy Q suggested, if she calls wanting to get in, I would ask what exactly she wants, but I would make no promises, and would not allow her into the house. You need not only to get the legalities settled, but you need to have some time to grieve without being hassled by the likes of her. My husband had his own closet. I put his shoes, clothes, robe, and personal items in there and closed the door. It took me several months to be able to go in there and start considering what to do. Now, 2.5 years later, I still have some things in a storage closet that I can't deal with yet. The time will come when you want to give away or otherwise deal with some of your wife's belongings, but there is no rush that anyone on the outside should put on you. Do this when it feels right to you.

I understand not wanting to sleep in your bed/bedroom after such a trauma. I slept in our guest room for a month, until I got all the "sick room" stuff out and made some changes to the room. I have known several people who actually got new beds and/or changed the room around completely. Personally, I wanted the room to feel less like "our" room and more like "mine." It was just too painful to see his pillow, his side of the bed, his arrangement of the night stand, etc. Do what makes you feel comfortable.

You are young to be a widower, and the best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. Eat well, even if you don't feel like it. Get sleep. If sleeping is a problem, see your doctor about it. Give yourself time to grieve. I hope you have a friend or family member that you can talk to about this. It does help. Know that grieving is necessary. It is painful and feels like it will never end, but we all have to go through it when something like this happens. Everyone grieves differently, so no one can tell you exactly how it will go, but sometimes it takes months or even years. But you will get to a point where you can deal with the pain enough to live again.

I am very sorry about your loss.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2017, 04:43 AM
 
4 posts, read 3,189 times
Reputation: 25
Thanks for the thoughts and support! I know our situation was unique but we just really connected and she was very fun, beautiful and was really willing to try and do new things which really attracted me to her. I have a good job and made sure that things were fair and such when contributing to bills and such. We had a lot in common despite what many may have thought. We were in the same raid group on world of warcraft and funny thing is when I started talking to her I was dating a woman that was my age that hated it and would get upset when I play despite spending lots of time with her. I loved how she "got me" and how accepting she was.

We eventually met up (she only lived two hours away) after I shortly broke up with my then gf and started going out though it did take a lot of convincing on my part to show her I was serious. I eventually moved in to her home and got married. Yes, I realize that in our case the age difference could mean later down the line she could pass before me but her having a heart attack at just 44 is something I could never have imagined. To be honest sometimes I think had I initially woken up and tried to help maybe I could have done something. She was kind, beautiful and very intelligent.

As for her sister, I have asked her what of hers she wants and she just says "Well, I am not sure I need to look around and see what I want". I have told her to give me some time to think about it but she keeps insisting. Regarding her assets I am having trouble deciding what to do. I'd say easily about 90% of it was my wife's. From the house to the furniture.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2017, 07:10 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,951 posts, read 24,150,489 times
Reputation: 10803
I am so very sorry for your loss. I agree with the other posters about contacting a lawyer and keeping the evil sister out of your home,don't even communicate with her.

Given the relationship your wife had with her sister, ask yourself, would my wife want her pooching through her things and I think you will have your answer.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2017, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,935 posts, read 51,603,417 times
Reputation: 27956
The sister can pound sand. It is that simple.

If there are photos or family history from before you came on the scene, as a courtesy you could pack them up and send them to her. Other than that, given the antagonistic relationship, nada. What is she going to do? Get mad?

Once your interactions with the sister are resolved, more of your grief will come a knockin'. Focus on the sister is a form of displacement that cushions you from dealing with grief to some extent. Your idea to have someone help you is good, groups might be better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2017, 01:33 PM
 
13,501 posts, read 14,049,074 times
Reputation: 11132
as mentioned above give the sister some family mementos, just because they had a complicated relationship doesn't mean they were not family and had a bond as sisters. the sister needs to come to terms with her death as well, having something personal to hold on to could help to bring her small comfort, considering they were fighting when she died.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2017, 01:45 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,784,451 times
Reputation: 41003
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hanose View Post
My wife had no children and both parents deceased. The one and only time I me her sister prior it was them arguing and yelling at each other. Never talked on the phone online or anything.
...
Now the property, house etc were my wife's but she didn't have a will.
I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age. How heartbreaking.

I will say that without a will, and no other relatives alive except for her sister, you should get everything, and you can choose not to give her anything.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2017, 01:51 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,784,451 times
Reputation: 41003
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hanose View Post
"Well, I am not sure I need to look around and see what I want". I have told her to give me some time to think about it but she keeps insisting.
I would have to tell her that her relationship with her sister was over before her death, and there's no way you are going back on your wife's wishes now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top