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Old 04-28-2017, 01:40 PM
 
85 posts, read 44,477 times
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A life changing event happened recently in my life with death of loved one and I am emotionally scarred. I don't want to live in my hometown anymore it brings back too many memories of me any my loved one. He passed away in a hospital and it hurts passing by that hospital. We were very close, and we had a close bond. I have been living in the same town since I was kid. Everything around my town reminds me of my loved one though I am grieving, I yearn for change or a new beginning. I want to eventually relocate to another state.My other loved one is still grieving but I want to move to another state but she does not want to move cause she has a good paying job. I am afraid to leave her alone and think that I will abandon her.

Is this state of grieving normal for me to want to move to another state?
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Old 04-28-2017, 01:44 PM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,136 posts, read 21,125,167 times
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My sister sold her home after her husband died. He had leukemia and much pain. It might be a good idea to get a fresh start. Others can make their own decisions. Right now you need to take care of you.
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Old 04-28-2017, 04:25 PM
 
3,963 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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What you are experiencing is very normal. Things that remind you of the one lost will be very painful. Over time, this will diminish. It won't go away, though. Whether or not you should move is certainly your own decision, but I would give it some time before making a big move. Most people recommend waiting a year after a significant loss to make a life-changing move or other big decision. That is not a hard and fast rule, but I think the advice to wait a while is sound. You can't outrun grief.

Here is my experience. My husband and I moved to a new state and within 6 months, he had a terminal disease. After he died, I had to decide whether I wanted to stay in that new state or go back to the area in which we had spent our whole married life. A friend offered me the use of her home for the summer, so about 7 months after my husband's death, I went back "home" and stayed for 2 months to see if I really wanted to live there again (and if I could afford it.) The decision was yes, so I went back to the new state, put the house on the market and moved back to our old area just about exactly a year after his death.

Now concerning those memories that haunt us. The house in the new state contained for me only memories of sickness and death. Sure, we enjoyed some times together in those last few years, but all were tainted by his illness and the knowledge that he would die soon. When I moved back home, there were also lots of memories, but they were good memories of the life we lived together. I also have lots of friends there who knew my husband and knew our history, so that is nice. It was an excellent move for me. But I gave it 7 months of thinking at first, then 2 months of "trying it out."

I would urge you to consider carefully, and put some amount of time between your loss and your decision to move. Don't let your move just be about getting away. You also need something to look forward to in your new home. The new place needs to have lots of positives. And don't think that moving will wipe away the pain of grief. Grieving will still go on in the new place, even though some sad triggers won't be around.
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Old 04-28-2017, 07:40 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,099 posts, read 2,915,584 times
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After my wife died I moved 1000 miles and after a couple years my daughter moved to the same place so we are about 15 miles apart. I waited a few years before I made my move but it was the right decision for me. Selling my house and getting through the early stages of grief took a while. We already had plans to downsize and move here when she died so it was sort of a continuation of our plan.
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Old 04-28-2017, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,849 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet Witch View Post
A life changing event happened recently in my life with death of loved one and I am emotionally scarred. I don't want to live in my hometown anymore it brings back too many memories of me any my loved one. He passed away in a hospital and it hurts passing by that hospital. We were very close, and we had a close bond. I have been living in the same town since I was kid. Everything around my town reminds me of my loved one though I am grieving, I yearn for change or a new beginning. I want to eventually relocate to another state.My other loved one is still grieving but I want to move to another state but she does not want to move cause she has a good paying job. I am afraid to leave her alone and think that I will abandon her.

Is this state of grieving normal for me to want to move to another state?
Please don't be oblique. Other loved one - daughter? Loved one - mate?

Imagine how it is for us, trying to figure out what you are saying and offer help, when you are couching your words so that they could refer to your dog and cat.
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Old 04-28-2017, 11:01 PM
 
85 posts, read 44,477 times
Reputation: 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
What you are experiencing is very normal. Things that remind you of the one lost will be very painful. Over time, this will diminish. It won't go away, though. Whether or not you should move is certainly your own decision, but I would give it some time before making a big move. Most people recommend waiting a year after a significant loss to make a life-changing move or other big decision. That is not a hard and fast rule, but I think the advice to wait a while is sound. You can't outrun grief.

Here is my experience. My husband and I moved to a new state and within 6 months, he had a terminal disease. After he died, I had to decide whether I wanted to stay in that new state or go back to the area in which we had spent our whole married life. A friend offered me the use of her home for the summer, so about 7 months after my husband's death, I went back "home" and stayed for 2 months to see if I really wanted to live there again (and if I could afford it.) The decision was yes, so I went back to the new state, put the house on the market and moved back to our old area just about exactly a year after his death.

Now concerning those memories that haunt us. The house in the new state contained for me only memories of sickness and death. Sure, we enjoyed some times together in those last few years, but all were tainted by his illness and the knowledge that he would die soon. When I moved back home, there were also lots of memories, but they were good memories of the life we lived together. I also have lots of friends there who knew my husband and knew our history, so that is nice. It was an excellent move for me. But I gave it 7 months of thinking at first, then 2 months of "trying it out."

I would urge you to consider carefully, and put some amount of time between your loss and your decision to move. Don't let your move just be about getting away. You also need something to look forward to in your new home. The new place needs to have lots of positives. And don't think that moving will wipe away the pain of grief. Grieving will still go on in the new place, even though some sad triggers won't be around.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
After my wife died I moved 1000 miles and after a couple years my daughter moved to the same place so we are about 15 miles apart. I waited a few years before I made my move but it was the right decision for me. Selling my house and getting through the early stages of grief took a while. We already had plans to downsize and move here when she died so it was sort of a continuation of our plan.
Thank you so much guys, I will weigh it out for another couple of years but I am currently looking at different states right now.

I let my mother know that I do plan to relocate, she is not easy when it comes to change. She loves routine and is close to retirement. I do think that moving to a different place would be good for her, she knew my father as long as she was an adult. Now she is trying to find a new sense of indepedence and purpose. I don't want to leave her alone right now, but I have pondered the idea of her relocating with me. Staying in the same town, won't help cause right now she has learn how have a new lease of life.
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Old 04-29-2017, 06:38 AM
 
Location: Sneads Ferry NC/Randolph NJ/Cape Coral FL
12,928 posts, read 24,052,828 times
Reputation: 10744
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
What you are experiencing is very normal. Things that remind you of the one lost will be very painful. Over time, this will diminish. It won't go away, though. Whether or not you should move is certainly your own decision, but I would give it some time before making a big move. Most people recommend waiting a year after a significant loss to make a life-changing move or other big decision. That is not a hard and fast rule, but I think the advice to wait a while is sound. You can't outrun grief.

Here is my experience. My husband and I moved to a new state and within 6 months, he had a terminal disease. After he died, I had to decide whether I wanted to stay in that new state or go back to the area in which we had spent our whole married life. A friend offered me the use of her home for the summer, so about 7 months after my husband's death, I went back "home" and stayed for 2 months to see if I really wanted to live there again (and if I could afford it.) The decision was yes, so I went back to the new state, put the house on the market and moved back to our old area just about exactly a year after his death.

Now concerning those memories that haunt us. The house in the new state contained for me only memories of sickness and death. Sure, we enjoyed some times together in those last few years, but all were tainted by his illness and the knowledge that he would die soon. When I moved back home, there were also lots of memories, but they were good memories of the life we lived together. I also have lots of friends there who knew my husband and knew our history, so that is nice. It was an excellent move for me. But I gave it 7 months of thinking at first, then 2 months of "trying it out."

I would urge you to consider carefully, and put some amount of time between your loss and your decision to move. Don't let your move just be about getting away. You also need something to look forward to in your new home. The new place needs to have lots of positives. And don't think that moving will wipe away the pain of grief. Grieving will still go on in the new place, even though some sad triggers won't be around.
Grasshopper, your story is similar to mine. We had only been in our new state and home for 5 months when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The new home has only painful memories, sickness, pain and death. Had we still been in our old home , that would have had good memories, the kids growing up, holidays etc etc.

I am leaving FL on May 20th to go home for at least the summer, then I will decide. I have time, this is NOT the time of year to try and sell as home in SWFL, the big selling season is fall and winter.
Being around family and friends we had for years will be good for the soul.
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Old 04-30-2017, 08:26 PM
 
3,963 posts, read 5,248,587 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njkate View Post
Grasshopper, your story is similar to mine. We had only been in our new state and home for 5 months when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The new home has only painful memories, sickness, pain and death. Had we still been in our old home , that would have had good memories, the kids growing up, holidays etc etc.

I am leaving FL on May 20th to go home for at least the summer, then I will decide. I have time, this is NOT the time of year to try and sell as home in SWFL, the big selling season is fall and winter.
Being around family and friends we had for years will be good for the soul.
After the initial shock and confusion of my husband's death reduced a bit, I felt a terrific need to see old friends. I had been pretty isolated for 4 years of his illness because he really couldn't travel and we were both so absorbed in his care. But I felt this need to see friends and family. So 4 months after he died, I went back to our long time home and visited for 2 weeks. That's when I was invited to house sit there for the summer. I also went to visit family in Scandinavia. I needed so to re-connect. Now that I have been back in our old home (not the same house, but same neighborhood) for a year and a half, I have not only reconnected, but I seem to be making new friends and connections all the time. In a way, it has been a slow process; I didn't want to jump into a lot of activities just to keep busy. I wanted to explore what was right for me in my "new" life. Gradually, I have gotten more adjusted and my grief, now 2.5 years on, is more bearable. I still miss him. But I am very, very happy that I moved back to a place that I was truly comfortable. There are lots of memories here, but they are good memories and often my friends share them with me. Even though I made the decision to move 9 months after his death and didn't wait a year to decide, it was the right thing for me.
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Old 04-30-2017, 10:06 PM
 
Location: Carbondale, Illinois
24 posts, read 16,197 times
Reputation: 70
We also moved to a retirement home, and after 1.5 years, my husband got stage 4 cancer, and died short of two years nine our home. Now, I am in a place, where I have no one close, and deciding what to do. My siblings are older and my son died two years prior to my husband, so not much really there to go back to since we lived about 300 miles away. Where I am at, I have made new friends. I know not to do anything too quickly. Tomorrow will be 5 months. I am going back home for a stay in mid June, and see how that goes. However, moving back to cold weather, would be difficult, and do love the south, the beaches, and no snow. Tough decisions, many of us who have moved to an area for retirement, and did not expect illness so quickly, and do agree it has bad memories, and hate passing the hospital and rehab home, but I also have so many good memories, since we used to have a beach condo close by, and those were happy times. I hope we all make decisions which will give us peace and some happiness in our new and different lives.
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Old 04-30-2017, 11:42 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,083 posts, read 5,498,726 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet Witch View Post
A life changing event happened recently in my life with death of loved one and I am emotionally scarred. I don't want to live in my hometown anymore it brings back too many memories of me any my loved one. He passed away in a hospital and it hurts passing by that hospital. We were very close, and we had a close bond. I have been living in the same town since I was kid. Everything around my town reminds me of my loved one though I am grieving, I yearn for change or a new beginning. I want to eventually relocate to another state.My other loved one is still grieving but I want to move to another state but she does not want to move cause she has a good paying job. I am afraid to leave her alone and think that I will abandon her.

Is this state of grieving normal for me to want to move to another state?
I am so sorry for your loss. Your reaction is perfectly normal. From what I can glean from your other posts, it sounds like this may be your father who died, and your mother doesn't want to move? If so, I guess it depends on her and your ages. I would follow the others' advice and not do anything drastic right now. "They" do say to wait a year before making this type of decision. And especially so, if it involves leaving your mother (who is also grieving) behind.
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