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Old 05-10-2017, 04:26 PM
1,333 posts, read 635,092 times
Reputation: 5724


Originally Posted by Jupiter-2 View Post
This is what it all boils down to, isn't it? Whatever is going on with my mother and brother, it's not about me. Now if I can just get my hurt feelings to accept that....

Thank you, StilltheSame.
My condolences on your loss. When you love someone, no matter their age it's always much too soon to lose them. You did not fail him, the doctors did.

As for your mother's and brother's behavior, I agree it's not about you. But you still have the right to be treated with respect by both of them. What if you had an open conversation with your mother about how unappreciated you feel? Of course, she would likely deny and deny, but it might make her think and change - or at least improve - her attitude. Your brother, on the other hand, sounds like a very unpleasant person who is best avoided.
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Old 05-11-2017, 07:28 AM
Location: SW Florida
9,095 posts, read 3,918,635 times
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I'm sorry about the loss of your father. After a loved one dies we always have a case of the "what ifs". "What if I had moved him to a better hospital?" "What if I had done this or that". It's all part of the 5 stages of grief. Your father was 87, the life expectancy for a man living in the United States today is 76.4 years. It sounds like he lived a good life and that your mother is grieving and perhaps not thinking straight. I'm sure she is not meaning to hurt you unless this has always been her MO?

You are also grieving and should maybe go to a bereavement group or counselor to help you get through these feelings. I've been there. Lost my father, stepfather and husband all in the space of 4 years. Try not to be consumed with things your mother is saying at this time. This was her husband and I assume they were married a long time.
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Old 05-11-2017, 08:05 AM
Location: Kansas
19,189 posts, read 14,057,966 times
Reputation: 18141
Your mother is attempting to justify the brother's behavior by not being present the way you were in her own head. This is common and seen all the time. The one that puts forth the most effort doesn't have to be explained out, just the one that didn't. Maybe bargaining in her own head, "Yes, he wasn't here but............"

Frankly, I would try to change the subject when she brings up something like this and if that doesn't work I would find an excuse to cut the conversation short.

You were there for your father, that is all that matters.
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Old 05-11-2017, 08:09 AM
624 posts, read 444,054 times
Reputation: 1146
My other just died on Christmas and I was the medical POA/attendee also, so I can relate. I think what your mother may actually be saying is "I am grieving and I miss my son, lets talk about my son." And this is the most recent common thing you two can talk about regarding your brother. Try not to be hurt. I also second grief support, talking talking talking can help.
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Old 05-11-2017, 10:13 AM
16,785 posts, read 19,628,561 times
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Originally Posted by StilltheSame View Post
I'm sorry for your loss of your father. You did everything you could and more. Please be good to yourself. Your mother is either unintentional, emotional and just not thinking, or she is being intentional and for whatever reason not acknowledging how much you did. Either way, it's is not about you. It is hard to understand and process that but you need to move in. That may mean professional help (therapy) but do it. Don't let this weigh you down. Your father is grateful.

OP, please don't beat yourself up, you did all you could and than some.

In regards to your brother and his verbal attacks on you, he knows that you were the adult child who did the most, not him. Many times those of us who take up that role are viewed as weak because we have more empathy it also makes the other sibling(and it is usually just in their mind) that others see that as well. That you took time off from work, and he dropped in when it was easy for him to do.

And rather than be grateful for having a sibling like you, they resent you, at least to your face. Who knows, he may be telling coworkers and friends "my sister was amazing through this, Thank God for her", but he can't tell you that, so it comes out the other way.

Take good care of yourself.
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Old 05-11-2017, 09:26 PM
Location: Wyoming
9,163 posts, read 16,510,896 times
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Like your brother, I was the brother in our family who moved across country and came back to visit now and then. You've reminded me that I should have thanked my sister and brother who lived nearby and were there when needed -- there for daily visits, there to talk to doctors, to help with banking, lawn care transportation, etc., etc., etc. I probably thanked them, but I'm not sure. So, thanks to your post, I'll do it now, maybe for the 10th time, maybe for the first time. I can't really thank them enough, so it doesn't matter if I've said it many times.

Now for your experience. Not knowing your mother, I can only imagine why my own mother might have said something like that to my sister. It would have been because she wouldn't have wanted my sister looking down on me for not pulling my weight -- nor for any other reason. "(Don't think badly of Newk, because) your brother came when he could, and he brought us delicious food." She'd be "sticking up" for me, so that my siblings wouldn't think badly of me.

Whether that's what your mom was thinking in the back of her mind or not, I have no idea, but it's possible.

My advice if she mentions it again would be to simply agree with her. "Yes Mom, he's a good son and a good brother. What did you have for dinner tonight?"

Mom's don't want to hear from ANYBODY that their kids aren't the best ever. Neither do dads.
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Old 05-14-2017, 11:46 PM
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,693 posts, read 21,741,083 times
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You feel responsible for your father's death? Don't do that. I used to wonder if my mother might have lived longer if my brother (who lived near her) had done anything for her. Anything. He didn't, but she got along just fine. I called her every day, visited as often as I could (from hours away) and took her on vacations.

You do what you can do--when you can do it. That's it.

Our parents should die before we do. Our children should be alive to comfort us. It doesn't always work out that way.
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Old 06-16-2017, 10:37 PM
31 posts, read 15,932 times
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Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
In my experience, this always happens. I did elder care for my parents for more than decade and I can't even tell you how many times I had to hear about my WONDERFUL sister who would blow into town for a weekend every other year. And the money thing too. My sister spent so much money to come visit. I should feel sorry for her. And all the while I was paying everything for their care and killing myself working nights full time, caring for them, and trying to maintain a huge house and yard. Yeah...I felt so sorry for my sister.

And after that decade was over, my parents died, and my wonderful sister walked away with more than half.

I have a theory about this. I was around for all the awful stuff so I was no fun. My sister was only around for good times. It's just like the divorced dad who is the 'good' parent. He takes the kids out for pizza and to the zoo. Mom is the horrible one who makes them brush their teeth and do their homework. Or vice versa if the father is the custodial parent.
Wow! You must have felt so unappreciated!! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And I suppose it never occurred to your sister that it's not quite fair for her to walk away with more than half.

Your theory makes total sense. One would think adults would know better. Or at least that they knew who had their back and who didn't.

Thank you for sharing this, yellowsnow.
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Old 06-17-2017, 10:16 PM
31 posts, read 15,932 times
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Originally Posted by Robino1 View Post
In a sense, you were also fighting them over your fathers' care.
YES!!! This is exactly how it felt. Taking him to a different hospital was just too much trouble. It's too far away, it's inconvenient, etc. I can still hear my mother say, "Everybody says they're all like that" referring to the hateful doctors, no matter what hospital we went to. As if "everybody" was the be all and end all of authority as to whether we got my father away from those a$$h01s.

I'm so angry. With mostly myself, but also my brother, my mother. That subhuman doctor who let things go until it was too late. I try very hard not to let it show to my mother. But it just seems to be getting worse. I have to scream at a wall sometimes before calling to make sure I don't scream at her.

Thank you for putting that into words Robino.
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Old 06-17-2017, 10:40 PM
31 posts, read 15,932 times
Reputation: 83
Originally Posted by theatergypsy View Post
If Mom brings up the subject of Saint Brother again, try saying, "We've discussed this Mom, and I agreed it was good of him to put himself out to bring meals to us. Now, can we move on? How are you sleeping/eating/feeling?"

If she persists in the same vein, tell her you have other things to do and will be hanging up now.
"Saint Brother" was indeed mentioned again and I immediately changed the subject. She'd get sidetracked for a little bit but mention him again. I just kept changing the subject. Thanks theatergypsy!
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