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Old 05-18-2017, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
7,961 posts, read 6,710,786 times
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Curm

So sorry to hear about your loss.

We all grieve different thus no method is wrong. Do what you feel comfortable with.
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Old 05-18-2017, 08:00 AM
 
923 posts, read 404,906 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I'm very sorry for your loss. Grief is different for everyone and you should give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way it happens.

When each of my parents died, immediately afterward I was very busy and felt numb. But in both cases the grief bubbled up later at inopportune times. A couple of months after my father died I was at a funeral for a friend's grandmother and I couldn't stop crying. I barely knew the woman and her family wasn't crying. I knew what was happening, but couldn't stop. It was embarrassing.

A few weeks after my mother died I was trying to tell a casual acquaintance at the gym that she had passed and I burst into tears. It was awkward but she handled it well.

My point is, don't be surprised by how your grief manifests and don't beat yourself up if it overwhelms you one day, or if you are able to carry on with your daily life without much interruption. It sounds like you two had a wonderful marriage and took care of each other as long as you could. Wishing you all the best.
Great post, and I agree. The biggest surprise/ shock is when it hits you when you least expect it. It does come, you just won't have control in regards to when it hits. The waves just come.... and I think we learn to appreciate them (as a way of remembering / honoring those we have lost). Sometimes standing in line at the grocery store, and 25 years later I feel like my legs will go out from underneath me.

Our bodies sometimes physically seem to carry on (blocking / numbness, etc..) so we can keep functioning while we need to. Our minds "give" when the body is ready to handle it, though for some people it happens the other way around. I find it amazing the way our bodies, and minds help us deal with grief.
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Old 05-18-2017, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,253,113 times
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Curm I am sorry for your loss. I totally understand where you are coming from in your post here. I had almost 4 years to grieve when my hubby was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. He had almost 4 years to try to teach me all I would need to know to be able to take care of myself. We had a great 31 years together, married for almost 25 long story on that Hahaha. I have wonderful memories. I am feeling peace with his passing. He was able to stay in our home as he wanted and when he left me it was just the two of us and it was peaceful. Yes I do miss him but like you I do not want to be so sad my life does not continue. I have even had a few folks be upset with me because I am still living and enjoying my life. Yes it is different than it was when we were together. I do still feel his presence here every day. Some times just in the things he taught me to be able to do like put the snow plow on the ranger by myself. Chain it up and plow. How to use his tools to my advantage and how leverage works to keep from hurting myself. And best when to call for help and not get myself in trouble. Grief is a strange bedfellow. I am going to survive this. I lost my first husband when I was 21 and that grief consumed me to the point of nervous breakdown a year after he was gone. I am not going to go that rout again I am much older and wiser now. Ha also a young almost 68. I an sure you are going to get through this too. And try not to let that dang paper work drown you. UGH I am finally through it.
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Old 05-18-2017, 09:48 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,100 posts, read 3,923,269 times
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Curmudgeon I am so sorry to hear about your wife. You have spoken so highly of her through your posts and your love for her was evident.
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Old 05-19-2017, 03:19 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,327,697 times
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Thanks so much to all of you for your kind and supportive words. They help. I've taken the past two days "off" (I'm retired so my time is my own) but ill get about taking care of business come Monday. In the meantime I'm taking good care of myself and our cat, the house, et al. It's what My Peggy would want of me, and does.

Thanks again. Your kindness truly make a difference.
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Old 05-19-2017, 03:27 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,327,697 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shades_of_idaho View Post
Curm I am sorry for your loss. I totally understand where you are coming from in your post here. I had almost 4 years to grieve when my hubby was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. He had almost 4 years to try to teach me all I would need to know to be able to take care of myself. We had a great 31 years together, married for almost 25 long story on that Hahaha. I have wonderful memories. I am feeling peace with his passing. He was able to stay in our home as he wanted and when he left me it was just the two of us and it was peaceful. Yes I do miss him but like you I do not want to be so sad my life does not continue. I have even had a few folks be upset with me because I am still living and enjoying my life. Yes it is different than it was when we were together. I do still feel his presence here every day. Some times just in the things he taught me to be able to do like put the snow plow on the ranger by myself. Chain it up and plow. How to use his tools to my advantage and how leverage works to keep from hurting myself. And best when to call for help and not get myself in trouble. Grief is a strange bedfellow. I am going to survive this. I lost my first husband when I was 21 and that grief consumed me to the point of nervous breakdown a year after he was gone. I am not going to go that rout again I am much older and wiser now. Ha also a young almost 68. I an sure you are going to get through this too. And try not to let that dang paper work drown you. UGH I am finally through it.
Peggy and I were appropriate, workplace only friends for five years before I finally asked her out. We were then married for 20.5 and I bless each and every day we had together. I also feel her presence very strongly. I know she's with me to keep me in line.

My children and hers are wanting to come and support me at best and move to where they are - some in Ohio and the rest in California at least. I'm not sure they understand it when I say that this is our home and I'm not leaving and, no, I do not want company right now.

Like you, I'll survive and be fine in the end.
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Old 05-20-2017, 08:33 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
7,961 posts, read 6,710,786 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Thanks so much to all of you for your kind and supportive words. They help. I've taken the past two days "off" (I'm retired so my time is my own) but ill get about taking care of business come Monday. In the meantime I'm taking good care of myself and our cat, the house, et al. It's what My Peggy would want of me, and does.

Thanks again. Your kindness truly make a difference.
My wife was more worried about me taking care of our two cats. She said I know you can take care of yourself just fine but I worry if you will do the same for them.

I take good care of them. Every once in a while I will say to them if you talk to Judy let her know I am taking good care of you.
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Old 05-20-2017, 01:03 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,327,697 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
My wife was more worried about me taking care of our two cats. She said I know you can take care of yourself just fine but I worry if you will do the same for them.

I take good care of them. Every once in a while I will say to them if you talk to Judy let her know I am taking good care of you.
It's the same with me and our rescue cat. I'm taking good care of him as he, too, mourns the loss of My Peggy and his "momma."
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Old 05-20-2017, 01:46 PM
 
Location: Under the Milky Way
1,100 posts, read 724,611 times
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My condolences on the loss of your wife. It is inspiring to hear about the deep love and devotion you shared. Sending wishes of serenity for you in this difficult time.
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Old 05-20-2017, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Midvale, Idaho
1,428 posts, read 2,253,113 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Peggy and I were appropriate, workplace only friends for five years before I finally asked her out. We were then married for 20.5 and I bless each and every day we had together. I also feel her presence very strongly. I know she's with me to keep me in line.

My children and hers are wanting to come and support me at best and move to where they are - some in Ohio and the rest in California at least. I'm not sure they understand it when I say that this is our home and I'm not leaving and, no, I do not want company right now.

Like you, I'll survive and be fine in the end.
Well Crumudgeon, we had a bit more of a fast and interesting get together at his parents dinning room table. They saw me building a fence at my bosses house next door and when i went down to borrow a tool from his Dad, we had been friends for 11 years, they asked what I was doing then where I would go because I was leaving the other guy of 13 years finally had enough. At the time I had no idea and animals to take care of. My Joe then asked me if I could cook and said he needed a cook , I needed a place to live, and we had a great 31 years from then on. It was meant to be.

I also do not want people here much. I did go help a friend with a yard sale yesterday on the 9 month anniversary of his passing and it was difficult because many did not even know he was gone. We live in a town 10 miles from my friend.

Like you I am not leaving here. It is our home and always will be. We talked about my moving after and both of us decided this place is perfectly set up for me and to try to sell it and find another is so costly. I would never replace what I have here with out buying into possibly more trouble. I understand he is gone and not romanticizing some how he will be back other then he has visited me in many ways I will not go into.

I still miss him but can live with the good memories. Also last winter was brutal. I did not have time to even think much about being sad. it was more about just surviving each day pulling snow off my roof and making sure I had a path out of here. And they got narrower and narrower as the winter went on.

One thing that really helped me is to re-arrange the house. Not really spend much money but I needed it to look different. I suppose for a man that might not be important and your wife did not pass at home like my hubby did. It really did help me to just mostly change the living room so I was not constantly looking at the empty chair. I spent so much time glancing that way for the 4 years he was sick it was an automatic reaction to continue and it brought so much sadness. Now the chair is on the other side or the room it is ok.

It never gets easy but you will fall into a routine in time. Stick to your guns if you do not want to move. I am fortunate I have no children to hound me and my family is far away on MO,KS and OK.
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