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Old 05-20-2017, 09:01 PM
 
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Curmudgeon,

Just a little note that when our spouses die suddenly; or unexpectedly; or even with expectation but just not at this exact moment, it is common for us to go into shock. The shock protects us from the intensity of our grief. The shock can last for months, but will not last forever. Eventually, you will feel the depth of it and that is when the grief work will begin.

Be gentle with yourself, and try not to make any big decisions right now. Though it will not seem this way to you right now, you are very vulnerable and because you are probably in shock, your thinking is not the clearest... even if you think it is.

Wishing you well.
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Old 05-22-2017, 11:58 PM
 
567 posts, read 212,972 times
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Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
My lovely, beloved and always cherished wife died in the hospital early yesterday morning after a three day struggle with a virulent form of rapid-onset pneumonia. I knew from the day she was hospitalized that she would not be walking out with me and that her six year struggle with extreme pain from a bad back and sciatica would soon be over. In one sense, death has to be a blessing for her as great her pain is now gone.

Back to grieving. I had three days in which to grieve before she passed and I did so in full measure. She was sedated and on a ventilator so we could not converse but I stroked her, held her hands and told her over-and-over again how much I loved and adored her. I also gave her "permission" to pass as it seemed inevitable and in the end would be a comfort for her and, thus, for me as well.

My wife was a young 68 and we'd been appropriate, workplace only friends for five years then married for 20.5. Late in life marriages can be a special gift. Time with my wife always was.

I spent the better part of yesterday making all notifications and necessary arrangements so I really had no time to grieve. I was too busy taking care of business and getting things done. At the funeral home I asked to see her and spent a few final moments stroking and talking to her before giving what was and is our last earthly kiss. That was the last time I shed tears.

Now there's the business to be done to take care of the house, our cat and myself. While there's decidedly an emptiness in my life and our home there is none in my heart. I sincerely believe my wife is with me every step of the way, watching over and taking care of me from a much better place. Rather than dwell on "my" loss I revel in the memories of the many, albeit all too few, years we had together.

I am convinced that grief is for the living, not for those who have passed. We who remain feel sorry for ourselves and what is seen as our loss. Those who have departed have, in my faith and belief, migrated to a better place without any of the ills, pressures and disappointments that may have plagued them in life. Do I feel as if I'm grieving? Why, yes I do. Am I debilitated by it. That's a resounding "no!" My lovely wife wouldn't/doesn't want me to and I won't disappoint her. And I'll do for her now what I tried to do in life which is continue to tell her how loved, adored and cherished she is. That's my grief plan! I so miss her.

And now I'm finished babbling. Thanks for listening.
Hi Curmy, Again I am so sorry for your loss, but that is a great grief plan you have there. I could learn from you! I pretty much shut down after losing my husband and daughter four years ago. Most recently I lost my uncle who raised me and was like a father to me. I miss them all but do find the tears are being replaced more and more with smiles as time goes by. I'm sure you will always miss your Peggy but hopefully with less sadness and more smiles as time goes by too. I have always enjoyed reading the posts you shared with us about the great love the two of you shared. It gives me hope I'll find another great love again. Please keep sharing.
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Old 05-23-2017, 12:14 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,111 posts, read 2,920,686 times
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Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
The shock can last for months, but will not last forever. Eventually, you will feel the depth of it and that is when the grief work will begin.


Yeah -- it took about a year for me to understand that grief became my new partner...a familiar acquaintance. It filled up the empty space I had. I joined a grief group session after about a year and the other members were dismayed that I was still having to deal with grief. They thought it would be over in three months or so --- not gonna happen that fast. After ten years it's still there in the deep shadows, around the corner, or crossing the street a block ahead but our paths don't cross as often as they did,
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Old 05-23-2017, 12:44 PM
 
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Such eloquent words stated with warmest regards by the posters and the OP.

A line from a TV show holds true. 'when grief arrives,it stays. It becomes a relationship. In all its facets'.
I tried to break up with grief thru denial or ignoring it. It stayed. That's the thing about grief...It becomes that partner we didn't ask for,yet remains loyal in reminding us..How strong we can be when weakened by the loss.
Op- be gentle to yourself..Peace be yours.
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Old 05-23-2017, 04:51 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 30,340,105 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miz Ree View Post
Hi Curmy, Again I am so sorry for your loss, but that is a great grief plan you have there. I could learn from you! I pretty much shut down after losing my husband and daughter four years ago. Most recently I lost my uncle who raised me and was like a father to me. I miss them all but do find the tears are being replaced more and more with smiles as time goes by. I'm sure you will always miss your Peggy but hopefully with less sadness and more smiles as time goes by too. I have always enjoyed reading the posts you shared with us about the great love the two of you shared. It gives me hope I'll find another great love again. Please keep sharing.
I'm so sorry about your husband and uncle and doubly so for the loss of your daughter. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child.

As for finding a new love, I hope you do. As for me, I'm done but then, I'm 70 and out of emotional energy of that sort.
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Old 05-24-2017, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
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Curm - my condolences.


Hoot
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Old 05-24-2017, 07:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
I'm so sorry about your husband and uncle and doubly so for the loss of your daughter. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child.

As for finding a new love, I hope you do. As for me, I'm done but then, I'm 70 and out of emotional energy of that sort.
Thank you. Yes losing my child is the hardest for me.

As for finding another love at your age, my bf fil never thought he would remarry after being married for over 50 years. But at 77 he did find another love and they were married 18 more years before he passed away. You just never know.
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