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Old 05-25-2017, 06:22 PM
 
Location: Boston
3,717 posts, read 1,272,254 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
I pray everyday that I don't wake up.
Who do you pray to?

Your grandma was your higher power, thats where you placed your ultimate reliance in life but it was misplaced, because people , no matter how good, will always fail us in the end. They die.

God doesn't die.
Let your Grandma go, Trust God.
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Old 05-25-2017, 06:32 PM
 
11,679 posts, read 5,531,030 times
Reputation: 11106
Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
I am trying my best especially regarding the things my mom did to me. My grandma wouldn't want me to stoop to their level. She'd want me to act like it's no skin off my nose. The truth is that it really screwed up my life but I don't tell anyone.
I'm trying my best but I spent so much of my life with her and no one really knows me like she did. It's the little, stupid things like if either of us was out, we'd ask the other if they wanted food. We always say no, but we'd always know to bring something. Now, if I say no, no one brings food. That's what I mean about knowing someone. The other thing is my dad has been married since a few months before I was born and he's close to her relatives. So he is a good dad to me but he has another life and I'm not invited to it. Every holiday, he's with them and I'm alone. I was ok with it bc I thought I would be going home eventually but my grandma died and I have no home to go back to. I just hate the idea that this is my future.
I guess I sound like a baby. I'll be better once I embrace the fact that I live here and start opening up to people.
You are not a baby. I feel a bit similar regarding my mother. People who mourn parents this way are sort-of maligned, in fact I had been thinking of making a thread on this very topic.

If someone feels they don't want to go on living w/o their spouse who died or their child, everyone understands. Very few do when it's your mother (which your gma essentially was). It's expected. Everyone goes through it. Etc.

Well, that doesn't mean it doesn't affect some more than others. My Mom was also my best friend and my God, we've had them our entire lives! It's a change in our whole universe. I completely understand you on the knowing you part. No one knows everything about us like our Moms.
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Old 05-25-2017, 06:39 PM
 
11,679 posts, read 5,531,030 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
I did see a counselor and they had the opinion that my grandma manipulated me by stealing my time and career chances to get her needs in old age met. Basically, they felt like she abused me and gaslit me into a codependent relationship. She raised me but never cut off my mom and never adopted me nor got any child support so she would guilt me for the financial impact I caused but not go after the people who should be guilted. The therapist also felt that giving POA to people who had a habit of shadiness instead of me or my md uncle is another instance of abuse.
I read lots of threads here where the person wants to be with the deceased. I think it's pretty normal, especially if you don't have kids or something else that forces you to participate in life.
Anyway, I don't need your pity. Forget I even wrote this thread.
On this forum there is no way to prevent people from saying mean things. Please ignore them and don't miss out on people who really want to help you or just listen to you or whatever.

I agree a lot with your counselor. This could be the beginning of your real life! One on your terms making your own choices and forming new relationships of all kinds. Do you feel like it right now? Maybe not. But it will unfold. Give it time, hon.

Please do stay in counseling.
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Old 05-25-2017, 07:16 PM
 
Location: USA
991 posts, read 726,698 times
Reputation: 2190
Oh boy, I can identify with the OP.

OP, do not listen to people who tell you to "snap out of it." People like that are clueless or have their own issues they are dealing with. DO NOT listen to people who put the blame on your grandma somehow. Your grandma's gone, and you knew her, they didn't.

I dealt with the loss of a loved one that was quite devastating. The first big loss in my life, I felt a lot like you did. I wanted to not wake up. I had people telling me to be "strong" (as if I was defective somehow) and I had people maligning the person I lost and grieved for.

You know what I think of the things that those people said to me? I think they're so much BS. I understand that not all (probably not most) of them meant it maliciously. But some people don't get it. I also think that some people are working out their own grief or loss, which they have suppressed and are refusing to deal with. So they think that you should suppress your grief too.

If you are religious, this is the time to lean on that faith. This is why people have religious faith. It can help them get through these terrible times. I know it helped me dramatically.

If you are not religious, then you need to see a compassionate counselor (it sounds like the one you had wasn't, really). You may want to ask for (temporarily) some medication to help with the extreme symptoms of depression. (If I had to do it over again, I would have done that in a HEARTBEAT. There's no reason to suffer so acutely all alone and just "tough it out" if you don't have to.)

Realize this one thing: THIS TOO WILL PASS. You WILL feel better. It's only been six months since you lost your grandmother, and conventional wisdom says it takes at least a year. (Sometimes less, sometimes more.) GIVE YOURSELF MORE TIME. Don't listen to the people trying to jolly you along, telling you to rush rush rush, hurry up and be "normal" again, "we don't like seeing you this way." That's why people pressure you so—because it makes them uncomfortable. It's not about your welfare, it's about their feelings of discomfort. Bah!

You need to remember that it's normal to grieve for someone, and especially in the circumstances you describe, you'd be unnatural if you didn't feel the loss acutely. Again, remember this: This is NORMAL and it does start to fade (feel less painful). You just have to wait and remind yourself that you will get better.

Start to make new memories, new connections (when you feel up to it) and remember that your grandmother is forever with you in your memories and your heart. After a while, believe it or not, you will be able to think of her without the complete sadness. You'll always miss her—always—but the pain will slowly fade and replacing that will be watery smiles as you remember how much you loved her, how much she loved you, and all the good times. You will talk about her, keep her in your memory and do little things in her memory. You don't EVER have to "get over" her.

Life will NEVER be the same, but that's okay. The pain will eventually fade, little by little, up and down, and that's the main point. New, good things (and people) will enter your life in time. You will NEVER ever forget her. The love you feel for her will always be strong and fresh. It's just that the pain and loss will gradually fade and that's good. It will take time. Please give it that time.

It sounds like your dad is a positive influence in your life. When you're ready and the time is right (take your time, take it easy on yourself), it sounds like your dad would be a good person to be around.
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Old 05-25-2017, 07:31 PM
 
155 posts, read 88,047 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
We were codependent but I wasn't like some cat lady in the basement never getting laid. It wasn't grey gardens/Baby Jane. I liked it with her.
The main issue was that I put her needs ahead of mine and disregarded the warnings my uncle gave me that one day she'd be dead and I'd be screwed. I thought he was being cold but he was right. The problem is that every time I wanted to move on, she'd cry and I'd feel really bad for her bc no one but me helped her. Then I left for a bit and my mom stole my house so ...
Screwed because you were not dealing with yourself, you were trying to avoid it by putting all your energy into something else external.

It hurts now because you're empty and alone and can't avoid it anymore. If you can take a step back, you'd see this is really a blessing and an opportunity. Be happy for the pain because it means you're getting real, don't run from it
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Old 05-25-2017, 11:29 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,156 posts, read 2,950,023 times
Reputation: 9518
You might look up "the Late Orphan Project" on the internet and on Facebook. People who lost parents are encouraged to write out their feelings of loss -- and for some that is a form of therapy. In my case it was more of a 20-year remembrance. Many of those essays are compiled into two small books available on Kindle (possibly free or nearly free). You have a gift for writing and this might channel your grief in a positive way. You have done some self-analysis and have a whole range of feelings and experiences and this might help put things in perspective. You'll also see that there are a lot of people dealing with messed-up parental and family situations that now have the added burden of grief. What you have to say might help others as well. Just a thought. I have an essay in the first book and I've given copies of the book to some people and it has helped them. I think there are blogs and other similar writing resources.
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Old 05-25-2017, 11:39 PM
 
Location: State of Waiting
607 posts, read 719,680 times
Reputation: 1390
Quote:
Originally Posted by hellob View Post
They used their POA to steal the house. It's a long complicated story. There is legal action I could take but it's for the best just to put it behind me. They are very bad people and if I was to engage with them, it'd be a joy to them. Besides, they have no problem lying to courts. My brother is an arsonist, my mom is like the woman Robert Blake killed (she cons men). In the long run, I'm probably better off. I'm just mad at myself cuz I tend to get screwed bc I don't think like them and I'm constantly blindsided. My uncle is like "what do you expect? She's been terrible to you since you were born? You're surprised she stole it? Etc"
It's for the best that I stay here bc I have a good job with a pension which I really need bc I spent a lot of time helping my grandma instead of advancing my career (the house was supposed to help with this). I'm lucky that I have a lot of savings and investments so I'll be ok but like I said, I just don't really care what happens to me. As far as I'm concerned, I pray for death. My nephew is a baseball phenom and can use the money for coaches.
OP,

I feel ya. I miss my Mom and Dad, and I'm an only child. So... no fam for me except for my spouse and his family. Not the same.

Yeah you are strong, and you are going to have to be stronger to keep on and get through to the other side of this pain.

Pray for these people in Indiana, they are sick and messed up. Get to a qualified grief counselor or a therapist ASAP, please. A therapist will help you deal with the feelings you are having - grief totally sucks big time, but it is normal and its going to take some time to process through all of the drama you have been through. A professional would be a great resource for you. A professional can also help you find people in a similar situation, they have groups for this to talk about feelings etc. Helps to process.

Get outside of yourself and help someone in New York. There is always someone worse off than you are, trust me on this. Maybe volunteer, or rescue a kitten or a homeless dog. Try something new. Get out of your apartment, be with people. have you been to meet up.com? Maybe find a new interest, get around some positive people.
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Old 05-26-2017, 12:26 AM
 
3,977 posts, read 5,266,513 times
Reputation: 4574
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam View Post
You are not a baby. I feel a bit similar regarding my mother. People who mourn parents this way are sort-of maligned, in fact I had been thinking of making a thread on this very topic.

If someone feels they don't want to go on living w/o their spouse who died or their child, everyone understands. Very few do when it's your mother (which your gma essentially was). It's expected. Everyone goes through it. Etc.

Well, that doesn't mean it doesn't affect some more than others. My Mom was also my best friend and my God, we've had them our entire lives! It's a change in our whole universe. I completely understand you on the knowing you part. No one knows everything about us like our Moms.
I think people's reaction to losing a parent depends completely on the relationship they had. Personally, I lived a few thousand miles from my mom and dad. I would say that I had a good childhood and was moderately close to them, but not as close as some other people I knew. So when I met my husband and eventually moved out of state with him, my life really shifted to being centered on him. We were together every day and we were very close, truly enjoying life together. I still called my parents and visited at least once a year. My mom (after my dad died) would fly out and help me about once a year with grandparent things, and was very helpful in teaching me about parenting. We were close in that we talked by phone every week, but not like my husband and I were close. He and I knew much more about each other than my parents did. So when Mom died, at age 91 and after years of ill health, it was not nearly the blow that my husband's death, 2 years later, was. I certainly grieved her loss, but that feeling of being unable to go on did not become real to me until my husband died. I can understand that when someone's parent (or grandparent) is a daily part of your life, participating in all the ups and downs, giving you friendship and emotional support, and really being a part of the habits and rhythms of the day, it would be much harder to lose them. The person with whom you have a daily, emotionally intimate relationship would be the hardest to lose, I think, regardless of who that person is. So while I did not experience my mother's (or grandmother's) loss as you did, that doesn't mean that I think your deep grief is not valid. I agree that some people think it may be a lesser loss, but they aren't really considering all the different ways that our lives are lived. Grief is valid, no matter who we are grieving for.
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Old 05-26-2017, 01:40 AM
 
3,458 posts, read 1,511,881 times
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Thank you for the support. I think it's affecting me so much now is bc like I said, it has taken me awhile to really accept that the house was stolen and I have spent a lot of time trying to recover from that. I've run the gamut of emotions from contacting lawyers, having Kill Bill revenge fantasies, saying everything happens for a reason, etc. The worst part is that it delayed my grief bc I've been so busy trying to get a plan and also come to terms with the fact that my bio mom just doesn't care about me. I always knew but I always made excuses but I was forced to accept reality and it's really tough, especially when she has 4 sons who she bends over backwards for and only one isn't a loser.
So now that I'm accepting that it's her issue, I'm forced to start dealing with the fact that I'm essentially alone and I'll never have my grandma again.
I'm not suicidal. I'm just saying that idc if I wake up. I guess eventually that will change.
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Old 05-26-2017, 03:35 AM
 
4,911 posts, read 2,182,770 times
Reputation: 12533
Sounds like you are grieving many facets of your life. Involuntary loss of your home. The loss of kinship. And the heartache of your endearing grandmother. Try to separate those matters. Concentrate on which subject is really a true loss. My bet is on your grandmother. Houses can be acquired... Kin. Not so easily. Share here of your bond..Or her moments with you.
Six months is still a fog...So take some care in yourself ...
I think your anger/disappointment is natural...
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