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Old 05-26-2017, 03:18 AM
 
194 posts, read 97,634 times
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Grief takes in all shapes and forms. You are now grieving and coming to terms of what your mother did to you and in time your feelings will downgrade. I struggled after my late husband died for years. I was working into the third year and I attended a class at the college for grief and basically we were told to continue telling our story until it has no meaning to us. Hugs to you, you sound like a fantastic person. Take care.
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Old 05-26-2017, 07:27 AM
 
9,707 posts, read 7,658,575 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Granite60 View Post
Grief takes in all shapes and forms. You are now grieving and coming to terms of what your mother did to you and in time your feelings will downgrade. I struggled after my late husband died for years. I was working into the third year and I attended a class at the college for grief and basically we were told to continue telling our story until it has no meaning to us. Hugs to you, you sound like a fantastic person. Take care.
I agree with all of this except the theory that telling one's story repeatedly will result in it having no meaning for us...that just doesn't happen.

What CAN happen, is that repeated retellings help us come to terms with our new reality, and also help us absorb and consolidate our losses into our selves, giving them and the memories of our dear ones into a very special place of love, honor and remembrance, never to be forgotten and to be remembered with gratitude for all they were to us and gave to us during their lifetimes, and continue to give us afterwards through their enduring influence.

So, OP, I hope you will do as several here have suggested and contact Hospice about grief counseling or perhaps a group. Talking about your situation with others with similar losses can help.

However, I do urge you, and others reading here, to make absolutely sure that any counselors or group leaders have gone through significant losses themselves and are healthy. When I lost my mother, a young leader of a Hospice group for the bereaved told me I was talking too much about what had happened. This was within two or three months of her death, which followed a major stroke which left terrible damage for her remaining eight months, and I had been her primary caregiver. I had been careful not to dominate the group and to allow others time to speak of their own situations, but I tend to be articulate and descriptive in my speech, as well as in my writing.

The young group leader had never suffered any significant personal loss. I think she was threatened by the amount of sheer pain existing in our small group.

I didn't fit the mold, and the group leader was way out of her depth, so she turned her insecurity onto me.

I was devastated by this clueless young woman's attitude, and left the group as a result. Should have complained to the Hospice management, of course. I think all of her "knowledge" was obtained through books or workshops, not personal experience. So what could have been a healing process added pain and resentment and frustration to my loss.

So - before you engage in any "grief groups", ask about the leader's qualifications and personal experience. Might want to ask what their age is, too. Try to find someone who's been through it personally and who won't offer pat answers and become uncomfortable if you say something unexpected.
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Old 05-26-2017, 07:34 AM
 
567 posts, read 213,175 times
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I am so very sorry for your loss sweetheart and for the dysfunctional family that is causing you even more grief. I recently lost my uncle who raised me and was in every respect a father to me. So yes, I understand how your grandmother seemed more like a mother to you. Grief is a process. Every feeling you are experiencing now is a natural part of that process. Donít fight the feelings. Acknowledge them and give them the respect they deserve. The pain will lessen over time. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed for having deep feelings. Thatís what makes you a caring and loving person.
Youíve received some great suggestions here. I stress the need for you to continue therapy, but perhaps find a new therapist with whom you are comfortable. Also, look for a grief support group. Iím a major proponent of support groups. We share our feelings and pass around the hugs along with the boxes of tissues. We help each other. You might even make friends. With a family such as yours, friends might be a better option as you proceed with your life. Live the life you want for yourself and donít let dysfunctional family members take advantage of you or get you down. Living a good life will be a wonderful way to honor the memory of your grandmother. Bonus: itís also the best revenge against those who hurt you.
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Old 05-26-2017, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Midwest
3,720 posts, read 6,724,120 times
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I'm sad for your sadness. One loss can change anyone's world.

I'm fishing here, but I think I'd be doing a job search for the place I consider "home," in Indiana. If I have connections there but a job here, I'd look for the job there. Jobs come and go, roots do not.

There are lots of grief and loss support groups. I might seek one out.

Be careful.

There are predators, fakes, and users everywhere, and in a group of people feeling vulnerable and alone, the pickings can be attractive and tempting.

It might be better to process your loss if and when you get back "home."

Loonie, sick, and downright dangerous families are everywhere. I have my share of tunes in my tree, so when all the ads speak of "We're Family!" I say (confidentially to the television set), That is really too bad. I need to hire a business like yours!

Pardon the cliche, but hard times make for strong people. You will come through this, you will always miss your grandmother, but working through this over the next year or five years or 10 years will give you more to give to others when that time comes. And it will come.

Meanwhile, drive on!
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Old 05-26-2017, 12:34 PM
 
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Yeah, it's hard bc it is so multifaceted and for the past 6 months, the death has almost fallen by the wayside. My mom and brother have made it difficult for all involved to even focus on the death. They signed her onto hospice without telling anyone so we were blindsided by the death. It's not that we didn't know it was happening sooner than later but when you remove medications, it's definitely sooner. My uncle is a dr and to not tell him is ridiculous. Then once she died, they cried that she was poor and guilted my uncle to pay but later found out that they funneled money to make it look like she was poor. However, since they had POA and my brother was paying her bills there's nothing we could do since a pattern of using the money was established.
Then when you cry about not getting a house from your grandma, it doesn't garner much sympathy bc most people don't get homes from their grandparents but we had a very different relationship. I'm not upset with my grandma bc I know that she was a victim of very manipulative and mentally ill people. She was just too kind to see the truth. I'm sure she feels badly if she sees what's going on but I also know that she'd want me to get into a position where I tell them to go to hell and never look back.
I know that I'll eventually be ok and even though I wish I'd have woken up long ago, I don't give myself enough credit bc I put myself through private high school, graduated from Notre Dame and while I wish I had a better career, I never depended on a man or hustled anyone to survive.
It's just that we had such a special relationship and I know others might say (and maybe me, too) that she held me back, the truth is that I didn't mind. I really loved her and I understood her and I know she loved me.
I guess in many ways, I'm lucky. Most people don't have someone like that in their lives and I got to have her for a long time.
It's scary though bc I'm middle aged but I liked being someone's baby. There's also some things that I simply don't know how to do that sound stupid to most people. For example, she was a nervous person especially about me driving in bad weather. I don't even know how to drive in a snowstorm or icy roads. I would use my pto bc she would be so stressed out. Now, I'm going to have to learn but I don't know how to learn. The hospice nurse for the lady I care for had a similar situation, she married her husband at 19 and he suddenly died at 40. She said that she just did it bc she had no choice. She's 70, now and says she's still white knuckles but she does it. She's been really helpful.
I looked into support groups but they are always during the workday. I occasionally visit online groups but like jencam said, there seems to be a difference with grandparents. I think the inference is that you're a loser living in the basement and now you have to find another person to mooch off. I wasn't a mooch in the least.
Thanks for listening. I know it will get better and I know others have been through much worse. I try to count my blessings. I'm smart, educated, not broke, likable, able bodied, pretty, caring. I only wish that I didn't waste so much of my life focused on the way my mom treated me especially when I logically knew that she is very mentally ill. I guess it's like that saying that 100 people love you but you focus on the one who doesn't. I did have therapists who literally shook me to try to get the point across but bc I was so connected to my Grandma, I could never get her out of my life. That's the silver lining of this grief, I'm no longer connected to her.
Thanks again. Xo
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Old 05-27-2017, 09:03 AM
 
11,637 posts, read 5,482,423 times
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You could take a defensive driving course. It will also get you a discount on your insurance.
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